Please do not leave advice or feedback. Thank you. Prayers welcome.
It was hard for me to make headway last weekend. Ifelt so depressed I felt like my life had no meaning. But now I feel like today I'm thinking straighter, I don't know if I'm just used to thinking more clearly closer to a deadline or what, but if anything I've learned that
1) If I'm feeling so sick it prevents me from studying or working and I have a paper or an exam coming up, I need to see the best doctor RIGHT away, not later and hope it goes away.
2) I need, and I mean, it is in my best interest of my personal happiness and in the best interest of spending my money wisely on education that I keep up on the reading on a daily basis, even if there is other shit in my life that I want to do. It just needs to happen, otherwise my body really starts to hurt before an exam or a deadline in coping with long hours and stress and god knows what.
3) I've already been avoiding stalking a certain celebrity and anyone connected with him since Sunday at 1am. My goal is to keep this up for thirty days, not to punish myself, but rather to help myself use my money wisely (money I've invested in school).It's not really about using money wisely. It's really about my sanity. When I devote myself to a person who will not return my affections, I am participating in a devotion that will not pay off. Fandom is one thing, but being an S & L addict with a procrastination addiction is quite another thing. I feel like I want to kill myself sometimes. And for some reason death feels better than the anxiety of knowing whether I'm doing the right thing and when. For some reason death has always signified the end of stress for me. B/c no matter what stress I escape by leaving school or job I never ever ever feel free of stress or the perfectionism that drives it. Suicide has seemed oftentimes like a mode of escape from something deeper than outside obligations; ending my life is a way to finally avoid the internal stressors. (And for those who are reading this, please do not be concerned that I'm planning on pulling the plug anytime soon; I simply think it's useful for me to analyze what has been a severe depression for most of my life, despite ceaseless psychotherapy.)
4) I was really depressed all weekend and felt htat I was unable to prioritize appropriately about work that needed to get done. I need to take steps to actually deal with this. I've thought about attending more in person meetings in order to cure some of the loneliness problems, but I've felt like the lone freak at meetings. Even though I know...other people have their own concerns. I just feel like the odd one out. I need to do something about the consistent lack of friends and friendships in my life by building in-person, face to face interactions with people, and I have been saying this for years. I think meetings are a start. I think that if I just go to a freakin' meeting tomorrow night, it may be better than seeing my therapist, but I already have some issues to talk her about tomorrow, so I'm thinking that I should probably go to a meeting on Wednesday.
Then, again on Thursday I could go to that meeting. Then, again on Friday I could go to that meeting in L.A., though very, very far away. Then again on Saturday I could go to the morning meeting if they still have it. Then again on Sunday I could go to the coda meeting in the afternoon.
5) I think one of the impetus for my feeling stressed, isolated and depressed is the fact that I have no friends in my life, and because of that I tend to feel like nothing I do matters on some level. I mean, it does matter to me, but there isn't anyone else there, so it feels weird. One of the ways I dealt with this in the past is by keeping an online journal, but I became too obsessed with the people I knew online to point that it was unhealthy for me in much the same way long distance relationships are. So I feel like I need to find other forums to voice myself that are local where I live.
1. J-moss update
2. workout with Jackie
3. pay bills
4. grocery shopping
5. start planting
6. reply to Jia
7. declutter dining table
I'm starting practice teaching to get my Teaching English as a Second Language Certificate.
Need to plan lessons for Tuesday and Wednesday.
11 - 12 - Write numeracy lesson
12 - 1 - Look for materials for lesson
1 - 3 - More lesson planning with 15 minute break for lunch
3 - 3:30 - Clean coffee table, handwash sweater
3:30 - 6 - laundry and lesson plan 2
6 - 7 -Run, write cheque for backup rent
7 - 8 -Dinner
8 - 10 - More lesson planning
10 - 12 - Misc. - order running shoes, send email to John, email blast, print CLB 2 & 3, put chairs together
SHOW U (DONE) EXER, PLAN
tHANKS FR STARTER JALLA,LOVE POLAR BEARS , GRATEFUL TO HAVE A PLACE TO CK IN
Abstinence from unplanned time.
Abstinence from relying on self. AA Big Book says to rely on God. Quoted in my bookmarks : scroll down to "AA Big Book on fears : relying on God not self-reliance:"
:) start Instant Boss
:) v task
:) time log
:) quiet time
:) r task
:) s task
:) t task
:) 11am pa phone mtg
:) sort tasks
:) *capture all * tasks here
:) j task
prj task, skip
:) brk: pool - 15min x2
:) brk: *rent van - 30min
brk: *kal - 1 hour
brk: * busi form added 5/14/2013 - 20min
brk: * renew mbbc - 30min
brk: *record 7:20 fri night - 15 min
brk: new outgoing busi msg
break: iphone apps
:) *h wrk - recommendation - continue - 4hrs
*client bos - recom
*pud raid - 4 hrs
g wrk - 4hrs
:) * pud uninst solid savings from gina - 15min
:) pud disk - new one - 2hrs
pud av i - 5 hours
pud disk - rtn shipping problem - 30 min
pud disk - rtn installed - 30 min
pud disk install - bill4 when done - 15 min
*tx - 4hrs
*nativ - 20 min
pu wrk - iDev - 2hrs
bill client ku wed
kuf wrk - recontact - 15 min
later: ht task
put away clothes
:) pre-plan tmrw
9:52am : i posted in chat :
09:47:54 ‹clement› i feel aweful
09:49:43 ‹clement› i am powerless. so i have learned something about what i'm going thru. I have some kind of chemical balance in my brain that screams for stimulation by doing offplan tasks. And i'm denying it.
09:50:16 ‹clement› Normal ppl dont have this. they can just start their day. They dont have to fight the moster WHILE starting their day.
09:51:24 ‹clement› Anther metaphor: i am resisting temptation, strong temptation
09:52:09 ‹clement› and this is why one has to become fully convinced one is an addict before taking this path. Cuz no one would willing put themselves thru this unless their lives depended on it.
It's been 0days 00hrs 20min since i last got distracted (19min 9:14-9:36pm 5/20 ffs forum).
It's been 0days 00hrs 20min since i last went on an off-plan bender >15min (19min 9:14-9:36pm (3min phone ckin) 5/20 ffs forum; abs his: 4days,3min,1day,6hrs old,new)
It's been 3days 07hrs 39min since i last went on an off-plan bender >1hr (2hrs 1min, 12:16-2:17am 5/17 qtweb; abs his: 13,1,1,5 old-new)
It's been 3days 07hrs 39min since i last went on an off-plan bender >2hrs (2hrs 1min, 12:16-2:17am 5/17 qtweb; abs his: 5,14,8 )
It's been 11days 08hrs 12min since i last went on an off-plan bender >3hrs (3hrs 14min, 11:30pm-02:44am 5/8-9 raid work binge, abs his: 25,14).
It's been 55 days since i last went on an off-plan bender >4hrs (6hrs on 3/25).
It's been >55 days since i last went on an off-plan bender >6hrs (6hrs on 3/25).
It's been 191 days since i last went on an off-plan bender >1day
It's been ~291 days since i last went on an off-plan bender >1week
It's been 31days 15hrs 03min since i last relied on self. (abs his: 14)
10:03am : reflecting on Day Counts : when i read 11days since on off-plan bender >3hrs i instinctively thot: The Lord has protected me.
THINGS I COULD HAVE DONE BETTER
Not felt like crap the whole entire day. I am doing my tasks, and feeling like a failure the whole time.
Backed up the server before starting.
Made a better backup of reg before starting uninst.
Been faster, somehow, and the uninst. Less searching? Less perfectionistic?
Remembered to take out my usb drive before rebooting.
Remembered the disk so i didnt have to go back.
THINGS I AM GRATEFUL FOR (everything i "did well" comes from god, either thru gifts he's given me or the way he's transformed me)
I havent been distracted since 4:40pm. maybe even earlier.
Compared to how i felt, i had a really good day.
I experienced nearly 3 hours lost time this morn, but it could have been worse.
Today I set up a prep mtg for a new job i think i'm going to love.
I was reminded again how trustworthy God is to count on, depend on--altho i couldnt do it.
I was brave reaching out (a little) to someone who's hurt me.
I did 2 main tasks and 2 secondary tasks. On-plan, just not that effective.
I guess the really big one is i stuck to recovery even tho i felt like crap all day.
fall down seven times, get up eight - japanese proverb
I want to thank my Higher Power for this program, this website, the telephone and online meetings, and my life.
I want to thank jalla for starting this trend.
Things I will do today
1. Go to the 5:45 a.m. telephone ACA meeting
2. Go to the 6:45 a.m. telephone OA meeting
3. Go to the 7 a.m. telephone DA meeting
4. Take shower
5. Go to the 8:30 a.m. telephone PA meeting
6. Go to the 9 a.m. telephone ACA meeting
7. Go to the 9:45 a.m. telephone CLA activity line
8. Cook and eat breakfast
9. Go to the 11 a.m. telephone PA meeting
10. Prayer and meditation morning and evening
11. Go to the 12 noon telephone ACA meeting
12. Go to the 1 p.m. telephone CLA activity line
13. Get dressed
14. Go to get perscription medicine
15. Eat dinner
16. Go to work at 5:30 p.m.
Thanks for letting me share
people say motivation won't last. neither does bathing, that's why we recommend it daily
ONLY 1 SODA, drink homemage juice
8,30 juice ect
look for trousers
txt m, bring letters
gym bring shower things
bedroom exercise machine
chase up SOL
Thank you jalla, lovely snowy greeting. I wish. Still smiling at yesterday's Dr Seuss. It is an amazingly affirming mantra.
7.30 cafe with journal and planner.t ake note of bdays accounts and other things that are planlessly slipping. Email j and S and A - or dedicate a time for iit'
deliver coffee to L
put Internet to bed
seal off living room
9-12 write with poms. Breaks: sort compost, put out recycling, tea
eat healthy meal
tlc write CC review and maybe emails here.
K to pick me up at 7
ring til 9
bed by 11
THINGS I DID WELL TODAY
THINGS I COULD HAVE DONE BETTER
THINGS I AM GRATEFUL FOR
THINGS I DID WELL TODAY
even though I had a late start, I managed to do some good work.
did CC review
done putting internet to bed ritual earlier,
spent less time on it later
THINGS IMAM GRATEFUL FOR
my dear wonderful sister who lives far too far away.
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