Thursday 16th May 2013

need to work on consistency.  Going to keep track of how many days I can use the check-in tool without a break.  Todaya is 1.

1. Mid cap e-amil(Done)

2. workout with jackie (done)

3. pay lynn and rachel

4. call with phil(done)

5. get started on seeds

6. declutter dinning table

7. qigoon before  bed

8.  Question for Phil's new contact 

9. J-moss update

I was connected, and then I wasn't and then no-one else has come back in? Is it broken?

Abstinence from unplanned time.

• The one thing, the only thing, i can do impulsively is write something on my todo list.
• The one thing, the only thing, i can do off plan is recovery, something to maintain my sobriety, when tempted. I have come to believe that it is more important to maintain sobriety than to get things done.

Abstinence from relying on self. AA Big Book says to rely on God. Quoted in my bookmarks : scroll down to "AA Big Book on fears : relying on God not self-reliance:"

10:11am :
[see below as well]
It's been 0days 10hrs 06min since i last got distracted (3min, snacking).
It's been 4days 18hrs 24min since i last went on an off-plan bender >15min (1hr 8min, 2:39-3:47pm 5/11 kari jobe revelation song)
It's been 4days 18hrs 24min since i last went on an off-plan bender >1hr (1hr 8min, 2:39-3:47pm 5/11 kari jobe revelation song, abs his: 13,1,1 old-new)
It's been 07days 07hrs 27min since i last went on an off-plan bender >2hrs (3hrs 14min, 11:30pm-02:44am 5/8-9 raid work binge, abs his: 5,14)
It's been 07days 07hrs 27min since i last went on an off-plan bender >3hrs (3hrs 14min, 11:30pm-02:44am 5/8-9 raid work binge, abs his: 25,14).
It's been 51 days since i last went on an off-plan bender >4hrs (6hrs on 3/25).
It's been >51 days since i last went on an off-plan bender >6hrs (6hrs on 3/25).
It's been 187 days since i last went on an off-plan bender >1day
It's been ~287 days since i last went on an off-plan bender >1week
It's been 27days 15hrs 16min since i last relied on self. (abs his: 14)

Reflecting on my day counts

• God the Potter may have formed me the clay enuf that i can hold enuf of God's strength and wisdom that i will never again waste (whittle away, go off plan for, procrastinate) an entire day for the rest of my life.
  
• The most striking experience of the last 4 weeks is not the days that went well, but the days when i did not get myself going til 3pm or 5pm, but i still managed to do 2-4 hours of solid, on-plan, guilt-free work even after being so off plan. It's as if God has a magnet, and when i pull away from it, it's stronger now, and it doesnt let me stray as far away and it gets me back sooner.
  

:) ci
:) start Instant Boss
:) v task
:) sched
:) quiet time
:) r task
:) s task
:) t task
:) 11am pa phone mtg
:) sort tasks
:) *capture all * tasks here
:) j task
prj task, skip
:) pud ck chkdsk g:
:) *email p.bill et al no m.b.
:) *kal
:) * busi form added 5/14/2013
:) *rent van
:) pud ck reception antiv alert 5/8 or 5/9
* uninst solid something from gina
:) pud disk - new one
:) *bku fam
*h wrk - recommendation - continue

:) *client bos - recom
*lyr & rev song
:) pool
**call pbill re comun

break: bookmark quote
break: iphone apps
:) the mysterious, missing steps from the 12 steps : 3.5 & 7.5, on a designated, timed break
:) on a break: gizmo article
***pud raid
pud av i
* renew mbbc
*30hf joe
pud disk - rtn
pud disk install - bill4 when done
*nativ
*tx
pu wrk - iDev
bill client ku wed
kuf wrk - recontact
later: g wrk
later: ht task
put away clothes
reflection
pre-plan tmrw

11:37am :
It's been 0days 00hrs 04min since i last got distracted (13min, racing thots).

3:35pm :
It's been 0days 00hrs 01min since i last got distracted (5min, online reading).

4:02pm, 4:32pm, 5:07pm, 6:01pm :
The Mysterious, Missing steps in the 12 Steps : Step 3.5 and Step 7.5

(This was written during 4 timed, pre-planned breaks)

Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.

Step 7: Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.

It is easy to gloss over what Step 3 actually says. It DOES say "made A DECISION to turn our will ..." it does NOT say "TURNED our will..."

Ie it says we make the decision to do it. But it never says we did it. And Step 4 does not say "we actually do it, we actually, in this step, perform the action of turning our will and lives over to God." Step 4 goes onto other things.

In fact, nowhere in the steps do we actually *DO* the turning over.

We just "make a decision to..."

It's as if there's a Step 3.5 missing where we actually DO it.

Curious.

Similarly, Step 7 is easy to gloss over. It does not say God REMOVES or REMOVED our shortcomings, just that we ASKED. And Step 8 is not where our shortcomings are removed. Step 8 moves on to making amends.

There is no step in which they are actually removed, just the asking for it.

It's as if there's a missing Step 7.5 where God actually does the removing...

Now, curious things about both these Steps, 3 & 7. And the missing Steps 3.5 and 7.5. Steps 3 & 7 are the ones in which we turn to God to act. Steps 3.5 and 7.5, if they were there, would be the steps in which God does act. In Step 3.5 god would be taking over our lives. In Step 7.5 he would be removing our shortcomings. But these Steps are not included!

And i think i am beginning to see wisdom in that. I think that the point is that they are NOT steps that WE do, but steps that GOD does. And the 12 Steps are the ones we are supposed to take. So Step 3.5 and 7.5 are left out.

In fact, it almost, to me now, emphasizes that i do not control these steps. I do not actually GIVE my life to god, i let him take it. I dont forgive my shortcomings. I let God forgive them. (I suppose there is a sense in which i forgive myself, but that, i believe is derivative of God forgiving me : since God forgives me, i can forgive myself).

So now when i look at the 12 Steps, the "missing steps" are glaring to me, and they highlight the work that God does in the Steps.

Thanks God!

THINGS I COULD HAVE DONE BETTER

Been more focused at end of night. This happens 50% of the time. Be aware of it. Expect it. Plan for it. Ask for God to remove it.
Gotten thru my day quicker so i could have had more time at client's.

THINGS I AM GRATEFUL FOR (everything i "did well" comes from god, either thru gifts he's given me or the way he's transformed me)

Had a good day. Was productive.
Got to use the server.
Did a lot of long-delayed tasks.
Managed my 2 phone low on charge.
Packed a lot into the evening.
Had a good mtg w/ associate J.
Disk was ok, and i had a time-saving idea of scanning it at home while i was out.

I think it is becoming more automatic for me to give credit to god and not myself when something good happens to me. Sometimes i feel so needy of credit, of being able to feel good about myself. God would have me focus entirely on him and helping others, and none on myself. Except care of self so that i can serve God and others. But that's more like maintenance on the furnace, than anything personal. It's just means to an end.

Thank you so much, gorgeous jalla. Here I am still stumbling along. 

Text T re coffee and L re W 

7.30 cafe with D ref to radio int

9-12  write with poms. Pom breaks: wash up, tea, weeding 

ring j re logistics for rrecording 

peat healthy lunch 

write card for S and deliver with parcel on way to prov

2-3 prov with mem - review this 

walk to city

banking

4.30 ringing with D

5.30 unveiling at S

what will be required of me? Do we eat afterwards?

home

relax

check in

bed by 11  

THINGS I DID WELL TODAY

saw the completion of a project launched today ( tho still have to send account) .

was able to be positive about my mistakes, learn from them 

organised care package 

THINGS I COULD HAVE DONE BETTER

i should not have weeded in pom breaks, bad for arm, know this. 

THINGS I AM GRATEFUL FOR 

Jalla's beautiful day starters 

D's patience and ingenuity 

Public apology and commemorative artwork, 

K and A taking me out to tea.