Feeling really bad about myself right now. Was angry at my husband for doing his own thing without really asking if I needed help. What I forgot is that he works a 40 hour week with at least another 8 hours travel on top. This is his first day off in ages, and he's perfectly entitled to do his own thing. I work 22 chargable hours a week most of the time, and even that is a constant battle.
Have spent the last hour in tears angry and disappointed at myself and generally feeling awful. I know there are people with bigger problems, but right now my selfish heart is distraught.
I cannot be happy it's Christmas. I've tried to get into it. I am not a Christian, and I am not a worshipper of retail therapy either. Two reasons gone straight there. Friends and family you say? Well my mum has never been one for christmas. She hates the cooking and the fact that the world goes mad at the shops. We don't have any family we are close to so Christmas was usually me and her friend J who helped bring me up, tiptoeing around trying not to cause an argument. I'm not good at being close to friends either. I haven't spoken to my best friend (although we struggle to be defined as that anymore) for a month or so even though she is going through a really rough patch with familiy illness and is spending her first christmas without her children's father.
My mother is terminally ill with cancer. She's in a nursing home and cannot walk or take care of herself. We were going to try and get her out for Christmas lunch but we've got no idea if she will be well enough. I haven't made my meal plan for the day, nor the plan for what we will do if she can't come out.
All I can think about is escaping to my MILs next thursday. It's out in the wilds, and she will make us tea and feed us chocolate and I can forget some of what makes me so sad.
I know I should take my own often-given advice. It's just one day, don't put so much pressure on yourself to be happy or for it to be perfect. Just take it as it comes. And open your mouth if you need help. No-one can help you if you don't ask for it. Don't wait until you are in a heap sobbing because you are so sad.
I'm now going to change my plan for today, and pick myself back up. Nothing is worth feeling like this.
Thank-you for reading. I just needed to get it out.