Tuesday 22nd October 2012

I've been putting a lot of things off until I'm well enough, but some things can't wait.

Tonight I must

• Send off form and cheque to Rob
• Scan hospital appt letter and make sure I take it into work
• Send sandy's party invitation out
• make sure i've got trousers to wear tomorrow

Actually, when I write them down like that, it's not too bad.

  Bother ... it turns out that even that modest amount of work was too much for me and have spent most of the day in bed :(

Please do not leave advice or feedback.  Thank you.  Prayers welcome. 

I am not one to stick to things or feel the effects of what I've done to myself.

*I cannot spend any time working over-time.  I know I'll totally ignore this one.

*I cannot watching YouTube, Hulu, DailyMotion or any other online video source, moreover I cannot watch downloaded movies on school nights (Monday-Thursday). I cannot spend an entire night watching YouTube or downloading videos and watching them.  The only reason I logged into YouTube in the first place was because  I wanted to check my email.  And quite literaly for me it was about finding out if anyone "loved me".  That's how desperate and isolated I am right now.  I came home and I felt like utter sh*t, because I was in a severe pity party.  I felt really, really bad about being alone in my life and I'm not talking about a significant other.  I'm talking about friends and loved ones.  I don't have any, and while I don't feel bad about it right now, at night I did.  At night I felt like I was stuck in OCD repeating thoughts and phrases and couldn't get out.  It was really horrible.  This is affecting my work life.

My depression is affecting my work life (and school is part of that).  I just cannot spend all night watching videos so that I can quell the pain of isolation and the burning fear that nobody wants to be with me.  A fear that is entirely warranted given my current surroundings.  So this is what I'm going to do about this, 1) I'm going to call the sliding-fee scale clinic, and I'm going to call Pepperdine to see if anyone there is willing to see me for 10 USD.  If there is, I'll do it.  2) I cannot stay up until 3am again on a school/work night and not even do any school work or physical exercise.  In the very least I need to spend that time sleeping.  I know I said this before and did nothing about it, because I felt so horrible whenever 10pm rode around.  I felt like my life was boring and meaingless.  But it's even worse to have a boring life if you're also extremely exhausted.  It is forcing me to miss work and school and right now it's causing me problems with the DMV.  But of course, in reality, I know the reason why I do it, is because once I get stuck in that mind cycle nothing matters to me in my life simply because I matter to no one.  Strangely enough I am in the same situation relatively right now as I was last night....yet I don't feel as agitated by it, because it's day time, work time, school time, and an opportunity when I can make appointments and get out there.  

* I need to work out for at least 30 minutes a day, and this can be walking.  It needs to happen before 12am. It is important to have a deadline, because deadlines make me get things done.  THe only reason why I have resisted doing this is because I typically suffer from the type of perfectionism, where I say to myself, "Well if I leave and go on a walk now I won't get as much out of it as I would if I changed into my running clothes and went on a real run for an hour."  And so then I end up doing nothing b/c of the perfectionism, whereas, I think that if I force myself to stick to a time, then I have a guarantee that I'll need to do some activity that makes me sweat and therefore will take a shower as a result.  

* Another reason why I slack in motivation is because I've grown accustomed to letting myself down by not brushing and flossing and using listerine and using the periodontic brush at night.  I'm pretty sure that if I did this at night I would feel confident in my ability to get things done.  But this might be another form of perfectionism not important enough to do during the night.  Just being honest.  But I think it helps me to do this at night, because it makes me have faith in myself that I *will* indeed do the self-care.  I think what I suffer from is an acute lack of faith in myself that I will do the things that make me feel good.  I've gotten to the point in my procrastination where I have witheld happiness from myself for so long that I have been dysfunctional.

*I need to go to movies Friday and/or Saturday nights.  This just has to happen, because fun is something that I do not allow myself to do much of.  Sure I watched aimless videos all night, but it wasn't fun.   I need to do this for myself.

*I have a severe problem with going home and feeling motivated to leave again, which is why maybe I should set things up so that I get my work out done at the gym, before going home.  This isn't a bottomline, it's just a topline.

*I need to go to a face-to-face twelve step meeting once a week, even if I'm late, because the lack of physical or face2face interaction is just killing me and making me feel isolated, and believe me i did not choose it.  It's just my schedule that's HORRIBLE.  If you knew my life you'd understand.

* During this time that I'm preparing for comps, I am not going to be involved with reading hacking websites.  I just need to focus on one challenging intellectual thing at a time, and this is grad school right now.  I'm not saying I'm never going to look at another hacking website again from now until february 31st.  I'm just saying that it's a waste of time in my life right now, and it's something that needs to go on hold.

* I cannot attend business meetings right now. Whenever someone seems hostile, difficult and/or counterproductive to me, I need to simply avoid talking to him or her.  It's that important to me.  I can only afford to have positive support in my life right now.  Business meetings in 12 step have gotten to be a cesspool where people like to argue about dynamics and I don't feel comfortable being in that atmosphere at all.

*I need to avoid difficult or self-ascribed difficult people when I'm not at work, because these people are never ever going to be nice to me.  There is no reason to confront them, they will only get a kick out of being more and more confronting.  

Show up (10/23/12 Tuesday/done), cal exercise

"You will never rise higher than the way you see yourself." J. Olsten
 

9:31am

i figured i'd jump on the bandwagon and join in the fun of using the wrong date number ;^)

he he

anyway, my quiet time was great. 1 Corinthians 15. Famous.

i tell you this brothers: flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God.

Behold! I tell you a mystery. We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, in a moment in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet.

For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed.

For this perishable body must put on the imperishable, and this mortal body must put on immortality.

When the perishable puts on imperishable and the mortal put on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written :

Death is swallowed up in victory.
O death, where is your victory?
O death, where is you sting?

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

8:34pm

got a lot of paperwork done today. 4 hours x 2 people of paperwork. Wow, that was heavy.

Feel very stressed about other important things i didnt get done. <-- my curse

Also incredible emotional difficulty today. Near total collapse. But i'm rising out of it now. slowly. That's why i'm here. Attempt to find motivation. To care again.

Reading chat and posts here helped. Thank you god for this fellowship.

doing a checkin, phone style:

i already said what i did, now action commitments :

1. :) this ci
2. :) pray
3. :) job ck
4. :) plan
5. :) tv
6. :) wk

wow! recovery is possible. but can i sustain it long term? 1 month? 1 year? 10 years?

I want to thank my Higher Power for this program, this website, the telephone and online meetings, and my life.

I want to thank Eleanor for starting this trend.

Things I will do today

1. Go to the 5:45 a.m. telephone ACA meeting

2. Go to part of the 6:45 a.m. telephone OA meeting

3. Go to the 7 a.m. telephone DA meeting

4. Go to the 7:30 a.m. telephone PA meeting

5. Eat breakfast

6. Wash up

7. Go to the 8:30 a.m. telephone PA meeting

8. Go to the 9 a.m. telephone ACA meeting

9. Go to the 9:45 a.m. telephone CLA activity line

10. Go to the 10:30 a.m. telephone BDA meeting and check-in

11. Cook and eat lunch

12. Go to the 12 noon telephone ACA meeting

13. Go to the 1 p.m. telephone CLA activity line

14. Go to the 3 p.m. telephone DA meeting

15. Eat dinner

16. Wash dishes

17. Clear my tables

18. Clear my chairs

19. Clear my floors

20. Gather my grocery bags

21. Take my garbage out

22. Take my recycling out

23. Go to the 6 p.m. telephone OA meeting

24. Go to the 7 p.m. telephone OA meeting

25. Go to the 8 p.m. telephone CLA meeting

26. Go to the 9 p.m. telephone OA meeting

27. Go to the 9:30 p.m. telephone CLA activity line

28. Test blood sugar twice

29. Call for a work order

30. Prayer and meditation twice

31. Read the meditations

32. Read the EA reflection for today and share experience

Thanks for letting me share

• plan thursday!!!! this will give you instant procrastination relife.
• eat with self care.
• go to talk in evening.
• work on focus and compassion at work.

So speaks a true imperialist (napoleon, I mean!) but perhaps there is something in the idea of short bursts that is about claiming time, or staking a claim in quite a spacial  way. Thanks Eleanor for starting the thread - I feel I have rather lumped it into your lap, but I will start doing some again soon.

not a good start to the day - realised I had left my diary locked in a building, and then couldn't find my glasses so am wearing reading ones that make me fee 2 feet tall and everything seems such an effort from that height. 

Writing morning done with pomodoro but I am realising I am beginning to slacken off - taking longer than 5 min breaks at a time, so my mind wanders onto something else. Must be more stringent. Pinger in pocket.

 Healthy lunch short walk 30 mins for haircut, dashed washing in with unexpected rain. Still have to drape it over the furniture. Still to go:

4.30 -5.30 walk with B  

go through in tray

Cc plan and rreview

blue lline

healthy meal

Already I can see that I have put in too much.

BED AT 11 

Today is the 23rd of October.

Peace

8.00 alarm

MUST LIST TODAY SO LEAVE MAJOR TIDYING TIL TOMORROW

txt M gym

put burgers in oven

soupmaker???

9.00  30 mins living room----bag b clothes--hang listings allready up--

10.30 30 mins collect all to list today ready warm/black/goth

11.00 EAT

12 TIL 4. LIST sort photo's to sepeate folder first---new photo's??

wash up

bath and hair-gym in morning

list more before 9 if poss

11.00 bed