Social stigma due to procrastination
Hi all, right now at my masters, apart from having lots of troubles to finish my thesis and being constantly threatened by academic authorities to be kicked out if i dont hurry up in finishing, I feel totally isolated from classmates and stigmatized by every professor and director in that school. The school is tiny, so all the gossip concerning my problem has reached, if not my classmates, at least 4 o 5 authorities (my own tutor, grad director, school director and similars) because between them they have been discussing about what to do with me because i didnt hand in full draft in the due date. I keep asking for extensions and honestly, they are so closed minded and workaholic people that i absolutely cant consider saying i have any kind of avoidance addiction or problem (though i did say the facts: that couldn't write much in 4 months), they just wouldnt understand. So i just said something partially true: that these last 4 months (when i shouldve completed my draft) I was busy with other kind of work which was also important and that i just didnt manage my time appropriately and it was a mistake on my part. So now basically all these professors think im lazy or if not, irresponsible for not having considered this master a priority (because by the way, i have a scholarship). Everytime i meet with tutor or director to ask for an additional extension I also show what i have done so far, the little I have been able to write, and which for me, its a huge progress, because writing this thesis (which i dont like because i dont like the master, just recently discovered that) is an everyday agony. However, everytime i go and show my progress to them i get absolutely no credit, they just criticize it, say its nothing, say its poorly written, say i should have finished by now, say i demean the schools reputation, and all these horrible things that just make me want to throw myself from the roof of my house. I had never felt so rejected, stigmatized and unsupported in any school as in this one.
I created this problem. It was unnecessary. If i just had done the stupid draft, i wouldnt be living all this hell right now. However, at the time seemed impossible. I want to believe that, it is true when i say that i couldnt do it, its not cuz i was lazy or managed my time badly. It really felt like i couldnt physically or mentally put any effort on doing it. All my other classmates are pretty much done with the draft, i guess that also doesnt motivate me, since i keep asking myself, why cant i just do it like they did?. I know I have the answer to that, I have a problem which they dont, I need healing, I AM healing, since im really working on recovery, using chatbox, going to Anon meetings, reading literature, going to individual therapy, and a bunch of other stuff. I just want to feel some acceptance. I know i wont get it from the people in that school, so I should stop asking for it. Just show my progress, and close my ears to my school's authorities demeaning words, and instead, listen to the words from PA and my other support groups, and my HP. Anyway, I just needed to get it out, it feels so horrible when you're doing your best, but non-procrastinators are unable to see that and instead keep trying to make you feel guilty or wanting you to believe you're lazy, stupid, immature, or irresponsible...Thanks for reading.