Intro and New

Hello, I've admitted that I'm a chronic procrastinator

Can you believe that...just figured it out?  I knew I had a problem but had a hard time pin-pointing it.  You would think going days without showering, living with clutter everywhere; not leaving the house would have given me a clue.  Well, what has really opened my eyes is the breakup of a relationship.  The reason for the breakup?  I won't commit to what I say I'm going to do.  I actually drove a man away because of that.  He actually meant a lot to me but I couldn't get myself to act...not even for love.  This loss has devastated me.  He would tell me my procrastination made him crazy.  I would try and commit and try and commit and not do it every time.  I knew what was at stake but I still couldn't act.  I've read some site content about demand resistance.  I would even tell him that for some unconscious reason, knowing that it was something I had to do, made me more inclined to not do it.

I've been this way for a long, long time.  A little over two years ago I lost two very close people to me, my grandmother (who raised me) and my sister (my only sister one year younger than me).  I've been especially stuck since their deaths.  They knew me and loved me knowing the "real" me.  Amazingly I handled all of my sister's funeral arrangements superbly.  That's the thing.  There is a part of me that can do that.  I call that the fake me.  The me that appears to have it all together.  Can leap buildings with a single bound.  With a smile even.  Then there's the really real me.  The me that is so paralyzed that I won't even leave the house - thank God for being able to work from home a few days a week.  Actually, it's not that good for me really as I won't shower, I'm working on the couch with the TV on in the background.  I do my work, but not much more than that.  I will sit on that couch all day into the night and I won't do anything.  It's like I can't.  That's how it feels.  Stuck.  Definitely, avoidance. 

So, boyfriend is moving on away from me and I'm sitting on the couch, no shower, wearing whatever (definitely not what you'd call dressed), no food in the house, cat needs water in dish (my cat is so forgiving!), beautiful weather outside and I can't move.  I literally feel like I'm paralyzed.  So, I'm surfing the web.  My ex-boyfriend stated I have a procrastination problem...I'm like no I don't.  But, yesterday, I realized that could be the problem.  I did a search to see if there was a such thing as procrastinators anonymous.  Thank God there is this site.  There really isn't much out there for this kind of help and I'm grateful that from what I could see, there's a site that recognizes this problem and treats it with the seriousness it deserves.
So here I am, day two.  I made a list last night of what "I want" to accomplish today - see, picked up on that one already!  I got up early.  I took a shower and got dressed (I'm sure folks in the grocery store will appreciate that - yes, I'm going to the grocery store!), I made my bed (which I never do), put the dishes in the dishwasher and ran it, gave my cat fresh water and food, and, I'm sitting on the couch but not my usual spot...didn't want to get too comfortable, afraid it would kill my motivation. 

Thank you for all who have read to this point.  One thing I know for sure is that you understand and won't judge me - right?  I'm going to do some more reading of the site but, I must go to the store and I don't want to make the site another avoidance for me.  Later...

S