Monday 12th August 2013

I had to drive 15 min today, and i prayed while i drove. I was upset with God because my addiction is fueled by focus on my self--my success, my failure--instead of on God, or on service of God or service of my fellow man. I can not seem to shake this feeling. When i procrastinate, i feel like a failure, and then i have little or no motivation to work.

HOWEVER, I know by the way that God has led me that God will not let me succeed if it means i will trust in my own abilities, skills, talents, or accomplishments. I know (as it says in the Bible) that he definitely wants me to trust only in Him. And *I* want to trust only him Him. But i can't help myself. I keep focusing on my procrastination success/failure and what it says about me and my abilities, skills, talents and accomplishments. I just can't stop.

So then i angrily asked my question to god, Why God? Why have you not done this in me. If doing recovery activities and my quiet time every day with You is not enough, what do i need?

And then, as is my practice, i quieted my mind to listen for an answer.

And what i got was silly putty.

If you've played with silly putty you'll know that it comes in a ball and can be stretched out several feet. But, if you stretch it too fast, it just breaks. You have to stretch it slowly if you want it to stretch and not break.

So that's what God was saying, that he is doing to me what we do to silly putty. He is stretching me slowly into shape. If he stretched faster, i would break.

So that analogy has several very good takeaways for me.

• I HAVE already been stretched. I tend to discount the progress i've made, when i only compare myself to a fully recovered addict. I note that the silly putty, at the beginning, is stretched, and not broken, but still not in the form it needs to be. But the stretching has begun.
• The stretching process takes time. I have to be patient, and trust that God is transforming me.
• What must it feel like to the silly putty to be stretched 200x its normal size? It must be agonizing. So maybe that's what i'm feeling. What if you were the block of stone that michaelangelo used to carve his statue of David? Each chisle cut must have felt like you were dying bit by but. But, no, you were being made from a common block into one of the most famous statues of all time. And how does the gold ore feel when it's being smelt? It must feel like it's going to be burned up. But it is a purification process after which no ore remains, only pure gold. So all of these help explain why it is painful for me.

show up (done, plan, exer, follow through

ancient Vedic tradition: “If you want to recreate the world, look at it with fresh eyes.” Today have the intention to see one thing as if for the first time. Look without the camouflage of your memories. 

Trying to use some time after work and before dinner productively.

• Send initial invoice to WS
• LoE for WS
• VAT details WS
• VAT login
• Request further paper statements/proper copies from bank

Oh for an electric bicycle - thankyou jalla.

7.30 cafe

deliver to L  

9-12 write, push boundaries, and enter data 

healthy lunch

1.30-Moth

2.30 - 3.30 TLC  Capt report, CC review

3.30 - 6 this is a time slot I need to structure better. Perhaps I should devote the first half hour to planning.

check that A has received agenda 

eat healthy meal

6.45 walk to town

7.15 - 9 St D Clarify leading with S, 

H w band

Ask D about 11-13 peals

BED BY 11

THINGS I DID WELL TODAY

THINGS TO DO BETTER

THINGS I AM GRATEFUL FOR