Another lost 2 months
I managed to keep a daily check of what I was doing via the special projects list - "my phd journey". I was doing well and had a deadline in early February that I was working towards. As the deadline approached I lost a bit of discipline, stopped logging in on a daily basis and returned to my old habit of time binging. I met the deadline and past the committee that I needed to. It wasn't a particularly comfortable time and I wish I had not been so hard on myself but it did pass.
Then what happened was a familiar cycle. As I didn't have a hard deadline to work to in March and April I took my foot off the gas and didn't do anything. Very frustrating. Think how much I could have got done but didn't. Of course now I am beating myself up about that. In my head I'm thinking can I work and study? I mean I need all the time to study right ? so I can't work. I could have worked this past 2 months as looking back I didn't study at all. When I don't have a deadline or some sort of structure I quickly spin out of the habit of working and then the viscious cycle starts again and it is so hard to get back to working without the guilt...the regret..the annoyance at myself for wasting all that time.
I'm now at that part of the cycle were I am trying to start to study again but have that old voice of "why didn't you do this months ago? you are behind now..think how hard you have to work how much you have to do to catch up....
One postitive is that at least I have done this before and started and worked quite well as my master list suggests..getting the that point again is soo hard and I get so annoyed with myself that I let this happen....it is easier to keep going than to stop and start again.
I am thinkin that the best thing to do is to look at this studying..this work in terms of time..and to work in chunks of time again rather than X needs to be done or Y completed. As ever any thoughts are very much appreciated.