God Do You Care?
The more I think about things, the more I've come to the conclusion that I'm not procrastinating as much as I'm waiting and I procrastinate a lot. Compulsively. As I look back over the latter part of my life I see myself waiting for something. A sign - from God to show me He cares. That everything I've gone through wasn't for nothing.
When I procrastinated in my younger years it was for many different reasons: not having necessary resources; not having certain skills, time management being among them; being a perfectionist; and on & on. Now when I procrastinate there is one thought that overrides all others & permeates everything I do or, more like, everything I don't do. God do you care?
It seems that He doesn't. I feel like why should I even bother to attempt anything if it is just going to come to naught anyway. If God isn't even going to help me what hope is there? It seems I've felt this way for some time (though I'm not sure how long) and wasn't able to put my finger on just what that feeling was. I think it has been maybe a year give or take since I was able to articulate this hopeless feeling of nothing matters.
I try to convince myself that God does care. I try to claim His blessings. I've listened to all kinds of sermons pretty much every single day. Tried reading my Bible. Tried praying. Tried Christian counseling. Talked to Christian friends. Talked to a pastor. Continue to take part in an online Christian fellowship. I just don't know anymore.
That's what I really want. To know that God cares. That what I do matters. Then I feel I would actually do something - because it mattered and God cared and He would guide and help me.