Friday December 7, 2012

It's pretty hard to admit certain things about yourself. But it's time for me to do that. I've been battling a certain habit for some time now, and have been trying to keep it a secret. Sometimes I'm good at keeping it-check. And sometimes I go overboard. I have come to realize that I can't fight it alone. I need help. It's very hard and embarrassing for me to admit that. Now I have to find support to help me without potential employers finding out about it. I'll take my days a step at a time. My remaining day.

1. Do laundry

2. Go to grocery storw

3 get haircut

4. Clean apt.

5. Make financial plan to get out of debt 

After avoiding one of my creditors for months, I was on another call and got off it to talk to the creditor. I thought it was my client with his disappearing act.

He was really made at me. Asking me if I had any friends or relatives who could help me out. If I asked a friend for money, that would be the end of the friendship.

Talked to a credit counsellor and will go the personal bankruptcy route. Not right away, but probably in March or April when I file my 2012 income tax.

I need to spend some time this weekend preparing my back taxes. I know I won't get everything done, but I have established the end of the year as my deadline.

My self-esteem is shot. I went to a networking event the other day and I didn't know what to say about myself. I know other people are good at bullshit but I am not.

I know I need to think positive thoughts to get me up for the day.

Work for day:

1. Pay BMO
2. Call Y
3. Finish assignment
4. Rearrange school notes
5. Practise pronunciation
6. Start second assignment 
7. Sort through prospecting notes
8. Run
9. Wash dishes
10. Make lunch for Saturday
11. Read papers and recycle
12. Respond to Donna's emails
13. Download Piers Steel book from library
14. Do laundry

Bed by 1:00 am 

Thank you Lennon for this week's worth of thread openers - it's been wonderful. :-)

process inbox (in 15 minute bursts)

journal
meditate
shower/dress

I commit to doing at least 5 minutes of the following:
dishes
cleaning
massage
practice/back exercises

Appointments:
12-1 rehearse
1 - go out to buy shoulder rests

Icing on the cake is if I can finish picking Xmas presents for friends/family.

____________________________________________________________________

"Do I prefer to grow up and relate to life directly, or do I choose to live and die in fear?"
-- Pema Chodron

10:21am : this is the 30th day of attempting abstinence. Ie the last day of 1 month. Tomorrow i will look back.

:) ci
:) quiet time
:) R
:) sort tasks, hard choices today. God guide me.
:) task s
:) family requests, needs
:) task t
:) task e
:) task p
task b
task d

watch word for today--use timers. pay ATTENTION to timers, cuz i have timers going of all day, at least every hour in my iPod. set specific time limits for tasks that have a chance of taking to long. break long tasks up with other tasks and breaks. This to "return to sanity". This is to be in control of my tasks and time, not have my task be in control of me. This is to have the freedom to choose, not to be a slave to procrastination.

12:10pm : I almost went out of control. i didnt need to chk on that jpg, but i did, which led to a file missing, and a backup/sync problem and before i know it i'm in a full-fledged bender. But thank GOD for the wisdom of program, because if i had not JUST made some action commitments in the 11am mtg, i would not even notice i'm on a bender. So i was able to bring myself back. The program transforms the mind in a powerful way. sets expectations. brings sub-surface thots and patterns out into the light of day. it builds awareness. incredible.

But then i noticed that i literally can't concentrate today, even when i try. My mind just keeps wandering. I can't stop it. So, i see how it is. It is a day to not trust myself. My instinct and urge of what to do next is TOTALLY UNRELIABLE today. So...make a plan, and stick to it, no matter what i want to do at any given moment. If i ask god to guide my mine, then i can trust it; i can't trust my impulsivity.

"...The hour as come for you to wake from your sleep. For salvation is nearer to us now than when we first believed. The night is far gone; the day is at hand. So then let us cast off the works of darkness and put on the armor of light. Let us walk properly as in the daytime not in orgies an drunkenness.not in sexual immorality and sensuality, not in quarreling and jealousy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires."- Romans 13:11-13e

12:53pm : It's been 1 min since i last went off plan. I'mn ot trusting my instincts. Just went thru 5 things not on my list that seemed like good things to do. Aborted all of them, by god's grace alone.

1:55pm : it's been, i'll give it 10 min, since i last went off plan. God's grace. Next on task list.

2:19pm : it's been 34 min since i last went off plan. For today, that's a miracle. God has been good to me and an idea popped into my head as to how to handle my competing priorities. 1 hr on each, rotating.

2:30pm : it's been 45 min since i last went of plan.

5:27pm : gosh lots of family interruptions. I believe i made the right choice to address them. Grant me the wisdom to tell the difference, Lord. So i'll say i've been on plan for 4h 42min. continuing tasks.

10:03pm : It's been 9h 18min since i last went off plan. A bulk of that was unstructured, but pre-planned, family time. Actually while it was planned, it was a very loose plan, so i'm not sure if it counts.

12:46am : It's been 12h 01 min since i last went off plan. And that was a good 1hr 43min work block. On plan. And i was right to be overwhelmed today, cuz after God righted my ship is worked steadily and still didnt get 2 of the things done. But they were ordered. So they were the most ok out of the set of important tasks. Thank you God for renewal today.

Hello everyone, and thanks lennon

List for Friday

1000 fs, d

1020 prepare folders, check stuko-lists

1045 togb

1120 stuko+prep_monday+u
1600 home+break
1730 markings
1900 tidy appartment
2000 markings
2200 EOD

I changed my plan - I'm going to have dinner with a buddy. As I was productive until now, I think I can justify this...

Good luck everyone!

Update before going to bed:
Really enjoyed my evening. I'll try to go to bed within 20 minutes. Tomorrow there will be another day! Peace

• check in
• listening and directness
• clean space
• reference
• write up p
• edit all write ups. 
• ask p etc about next friday

• eat with kindness and self care
• no napping
• careful with money

Thank you, pro, for maintaining these boards for the fellowship. Thanks also to you, lennon, for starting the thread. These reminders of the Tools are very helpful to me.

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." (Anais Nin)