Wednesday 7th November 2012

Day started off with the migrane. Plan for tonight: 

• finish up the review (working right now)
• do Wk 9 d1 - 5 sections timed, review
• dishes, BOB printables - play/read with DD (never got to BOB, but did other things)

yesterday i wrote a reminder to myself : "i see my accomplishing a task as proving i'm not an addict, instead of as a period where i was given the gift of recovery from addiction"

Even now, this morning, that idea seems more distant than it did yesterday. I am afraid that if i have a couple days of healthy task accomplishment, i will forget this idea altogether, forget that i'm an addict, and cease depending on God for my recovery, and instead feel like i'm good enuf, thereby setting myself up for the next set-back, and the cycle will continue forever. When the good times hit, i will be incapable of seeing the bad times ahead, as i am undisciplined about my tasks and yet accomplish tasks thru work binge.

I dont know how to break this cycle, or convince my mind of what's true. I guess i depend on God for that, too.

Anyway, i have 13 min before phone meeting. I'll start my quiet time.

10:49:

Dear lord god, thank you for giving me the bible, the incredible source of truth!

10:51am:

"So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times i pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me,

'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness'

Therefore i will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, i am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when i am weak, then i am strong. - 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

This really fits my situation.

11:40am

I dont have "surpassing greatness of revelations" but i can put in that place "executing tasks on plan on time". I do not want to be conceited, and here Paul didnt either. I dont have a thorn in my flesh, but if God were to choose to give me one, i guess i would be grateful.

Actually the addiction itself could be just such a thorn in my side, *IF* i always remembered i have it. So i guess i ask god to make that happen. Dont let me forget. Hitting rock bottom ( losing a job or family or having a major health crisis ) is one the ways addicts get to the point where they never forget. God please dont let that happen to me--or my family. Please find some other way. Thy will be done.

The idea that God's power is made perfect in weakness is important. It's akin to what i've been saying, that God grants me the power of recovery; my strength or abilities dont do that. That let's God's power, not my power, be displayed in me.

The 7th step prayer contains this same idea :

Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness
to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.

so this is not new.

Lord, i trust you to keep guiding me / teaching me in this.

435pm

well... my thorn in my side is the last 2 hours i've spent unwisely. Debilitating guilt is growling at the door. God is keeping it at bay for now. I will return to my task list and try to be of service to god, my family, my coworkers and the human race.

856pm

oh my!

someone pointed me to this in chat. This is exactly what i'm experiencing :

From the 12 signs of Compulsive Debting (debtorsanonymous) .... Sign # 5. Difficulty in meeting basic financial or personal obligations, and/or an inordinate sense of accomplishment when such obligations are met.

Rewritten for PA by PA member "Gwen D" ... sign #5 -- Difficulty in meeting basic work or personal obligations, and/or an inordinate sense of accomplishment when such obligations are met.

http://procrastinators-anonymous.org/node/5#comment-10

918pm

it's not about willpower, it's about willingness.
To leg God do it in me.

Thanks, EleanorBE for the quote.

I, too, am feeling tired and muddled today. I just have to keep telling myself that the best antidote is being productive and looking back on the day as having accomplished something.

Here's my day:

7:50-8:50 write

8:50-9:10 get ready

9:10-9:30 commute

9:30-4:45 work (prep for mtg, 10:30 mtg, lunch, e-mail)

4:45-5:15 library, gas station, home

5:40-6:40 as many to-dos as possible

6:45-8:00 make dinner, clean, prep for tomorrow, shower

8-9 dinner

9-10 lang, read 

1. OR x3

2. weekly planning, check shows 

3. email OL, LY etc 

4. floor itdy photo x1 pomo

5. lunch at 12pm

6. leave for DRK at 1pm, get cash

7. aft nap

8. leave for SL by 5:15pm

9. go to BB to arrive by 7:30pm

10. pick up mags

11. read BB ch3 tonight

12. in bed by 11pm, asleep by midnight

1. Foy Exercise

2. meditation

3. 3 healthy snack

4. pickup kitchen

5. mastercard reward program

6. book air tickets

7. resume gardening blog

8. plan writing projects

I want to thank my Higher Power for this program, this website, the telephone and online meetings, and my life.

I want to thank EleanorBE for starting this trend.

Things I will do today

1. Go to the 5:45 a.m. telephone ACA meeting

2. Cook and eat breakfast

3. Go to a friend of mine's apartment and do work for her.

4. Go to the 10:30 a.m. telephone 12-Step meeting

5. Go to the 12 noon telephone ACA meeting

6. Fix and eat lunch

7. Go to the 3 p.m. telephone CLA meeting

8. Take shower

9. Get dressed

10. Fix dinner

11. Go to work at 5:30

12. Wash dishes

Thanks for letting me share

Thank you, EleanorBE, for starting the thread. 

I would appreciate it if anyone who feels moved to comment on my post here would write to me privately rather than post in reply to this post - so I can still edit this post here. Thank you!

Alarm set: 0800

• Breakfast
• Follow Morning Routine (no
  computer)
• Move furniture to allow
  access

1000

• Washing - in, on and put
  around to dry
• Weekly Focus (Kitchen):
  Scrub kitchen floor (30 mins)
• Admin at table (30 mins) inc
  bus pass & update diary
• vision2learn unit 1, segment
  2

 1300
 Log in after HULA visit

• Kitchen: clean work surfaces
  (30 mins)
• Back up data to hard drive
  inc emails
• Ring DN re birthday - tomorrow
  
• Tidy up inside car/bring in
  rubbish - tomorrow
  
• Test smoke alarms
• Radio Times radio segment
• Follow Bedtime Routine

• "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." (Anais Nin)