Does anyone else feel like this? Is there an explanation for it?
I tend to procrastinate on schoolwork more than anything else. Rationally, it doesn't make sense. I like school. I like doing well in school. Yet when I come home and I have a large number of pages to read, I feel this overwhelming sense of dread at the very idea of sitting down and doing the work. I put it off and put it off, often diverting my attention to other tasks. As a result I often have a clean apartment, a well-stocked refrigerator, and no homework done by as late as 11 p.m. on a weeknight.
So I'll sit there, dreading getting started. And I'll get on Facebook. Or I'll do something else. Finally, I'll start my work. And...it's interesting. I like it. I'm good at what I do. When I'm working I feel great. I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, I know it, and I feel good about myself. So why don't I come in every day, sit down, and do my work in a timely manner? What's the roadblock? I don't understand why my brain thinks that surfing on the internet with a cloud of dread hanging over me is so awesome, like I'm cheating my fate, like I have a get-out-of-jail free card. When I'm procrastinating, the very thought of work is sickening. I feel like life's not fair, like it would be a tragedy for me to sit down and actually have to be productive, of all things. I feel like I'll "miss out" on living if I read for class like I'm supposed to instead of "living". (It would almost make sense if I were procrastinating in order to, say, run through a field or jump off a waterfall, but usually it's just to surf the internet or make sushi.) And yet when I'm working, I'm content.
I guess for me it's like a wall. Like a barrier whose secret is that the grass actually is greener on the other side, but the wall is ridiculously high and ridiculously hard to climb. I don't know if that makes sense to anybody. I don't know if I just described procrastination in general or something totally weird. I just know that this is typically what I feel like when I know I'm procrastinating.