procrastination and codependency a.k.a. martyr syndrome
Sometimes instead of helping myself and prioritising proper self care, I look out for the needs of others almost compulsively. This can be to an extent that I don't know what I am thinking or feeling anymore or am not aware of what I want or need.
It's almost like a story of a son at the edge of a rapid riverbank holding onto his family who are slipping into the river to stop them from drowning. Holding on means no other options are available to him. If the son let goes, maybe the family will drown. Or maye they can swim to safety. Or maybe the son can go get help. Or maybe he can run to a bridge downstream to be able to better give help there. Or maybe the son keeps holding on and is dragged into the rapids with the family and they all drown horribly together.
"Martyr syndrome is a term that describes people who use self-sacrifice and suffering to control or manipulate their environment. It frequently includes being stuck in a victim mentality with resulting feelings of helplessness."
I have also been exploring the Co-Dependents Anonymous website to look at this issue further.
Just when I think things are bad enough with trying to recover agonizingly slowly from my horrible procrastination addiction, another horrendously distressing issue pops up for me to look at. But yes, I acknowledge that I have not put myself first for a long time, and have been a bit of a compulsive rescuer. Anyhow, it's time to shine a light on these shadows of my past.