hello! and how do I help myself??
first, thank you thank you to all the people whose efforts brought this organization and website to life.
I had just come to the realization that my procrastination was like an addiction and thought to myself, "Someone should start a Procrastinaot's Anonymous..." And lo and behold, one google search later, there is hope! I was just starting to feel hopeless. I don't seem to have any problem with drugs or alcohol or food. Maybe somewhat with love, but really, NOTHING NOTHING is as damaging as the procrastination. I do have a history of depression though and wonder what the link is between those dreadful things?
I have struggled with bad procrastination since at least high school. I am now 36. There were times when it seemed to go away. Bascially, when I've had a very routine and structured life. But as soon as I try to strike out and do anything "on my own", this demon comes back. To be honest, right now I have no complants about my outward life. I have everything I could possibly want. Friends, family, boyfriend, health (basically), meaningful work, some money in the bank. But inside I am barely holding it together.
Procrastination is the most obvious symptom of something else going on.
There are basically 2 really big admin type of things that I am avoiding. Been avoiding for months! Avoiding but thinking about, worrying about, carrying the heavy weight of. I am exhausted from in essence doing nothing. And those are just the big things. There are also about a 1,000 small things, bills, emails, other important chores. And I just can't face them. I set aside time. I give myself encouraging pep talks (or try to). But I just seem paralysed. And it has come to the point that I really do risk losing everything that is dear to me and that I have worked so hard for, because I something inside seems to be broken. So these things which I am putting off, which were once small, have become BIG, and well, in general, everything feels terribly overwhelming.
To be specific, the 2 biggest boogeymen are: 1) handling some invoices which are about 6 months late and whicjh if I had done them on time would have paid me about $40,000 -- and no I'm not rich. $40,000 is A LOT of money to me. 2) handling my apartment situation, I have a friend who is subletting my apartment in Brooklyn, who I need to give notice to because I want the apartment back and I know this is going to be unhappy news for him. So that's that. Those are the two biggest scariest things that I have been avoiding the longest. these happen to top the list of about 20 important things I am avoiding right now. But the other things all add up to a true crisis. If can turn things around soon, then there doesn't have to be disaster. But I can sort of see myself speeding towards that at the rate I'm going.
The good things are: I found this group yesterday and registered. And today I opened up the emails and files that I need to in order to start those invoices. And, now, just now, I see that my friend (living in my apartment) is on Skype now. I may just take this brief moment of inspiration to reach out to him. Deep breath....
I can take these little steps. But how to keep it up? And how to really "recover", not just survive, until the next bad bout strikes again...?
Thank you for reading. Thank you for existing!