So tired... so over it... <sigh>
Here I am once again, tired and hopelessly entangled by this self-sabotaging habit.
Do y'all ever find yourselves asking what the hell's your problem, because I sure find myself asking that lately. Then again, in the past, I've asked myself that and I still haven't found an answer. That probably explains why I'm still procrastinating.
I find myself retreating to a better life inside my head (daydreaming)--an ideal life for me or someone else's life--'cause it's too painful for me to live out my life when I know all too well I've spectacularly sabotaged my opportunities. My friends from college are long gone. They've grown, moved on and became competent adults. Y'know, the kinds that can actually handle responsibility and are reliable to themselves and to others. I on the other hand, am stuck. Numerically advancing in age (mid 20s), yet my life accomplishments don't match up... I feel like the oldest 24 year old with nothing to show for. And the current dreary economy isn't helping, too. I'm no better than a drug addict, I suppose. After all, I'm addicted with procrastinating on the things that make me grow (college, career, etc..). I know it's bad, yet the urge to flop pulls me right back, missing my success in the process. It's hard to see old friends basking in their new-found, hard-earned success. It's not that I can't be happy for them. It's just that it reminds me of my own opportunities marred by my chronic procrastination.
I've lost a great deal of trust in myself. For all the broken promises and lies, I feel like I don't know myself anymore. And if there's this saying that we have to love ourselves before we can ever love someone else, then I've failed in that, too. I'm ashamed. Truly ashamed. It's like I'm my own spouse, but the way I treat my spouse is I betray him, have numerous adulterous affairs behind his back (i.e. opting aimless leisurely trivialities over pressing, productive priorities), then apologizing just to betray him and do it all over again. I make my spouse (me) feel lonely, unloved, neglected, and far worse than second-best. Why do I (and 'we' severe procrastinators) treat myself this way? Do I lack compassion or even common sense to do right?
I want nothing more than to fall back madly in love with the man in the mirror, tell him it's gonna be ok, and that it's not too late for him and I to make it right. I want so much to make him see that he can love me enough to try again, so we can pick up the pieces from this fiasco and self-infidelity, reconcile and recover that trust... trust to live life with firm accountability, reliability, and productivity.
I just want to be eager to reach success and to not fear and avoid the stepping stones that lead there. I mean, don't I deserve just as much? don't I owe it to myself, after many years self-sabotaging?
I just wanna love me again.
Just venting. If y'all can relate, please reply.