need help getting started with odious email

Hi everyone, 

I'm not sure if this is the right section to put this in.. let me know if it should go elsewhere.  Here's why I'm posting today:  first the confession:  I have blown off someone that I was doing some volunteer grant writing for.  The last time I  spoke with her was a month ago, and I said I would get her a revision of an LOI she wanted me to look at the next day.  Then I got strep throat, was really ill for a week, and.. never ever got back to her.  

I feel terrible about this daily.  And yet, every day passes and I cannot seem to write to her.  As per usual, the problem comes of shame and not knowing what to say.  How much to reveal.  How much to lie.  I'm wondering if others here feel like talking about their experiences with sort of dilemma.  

The strep was a reasonable excuse, but the reason I was doing my "hiding" thing with this (very nice very patient) lady was because I had already been late and behind with deadlines for her so many times, had over-committed / under-delivered so many times, that even though Strep was a good excuse, I'd already made so many excuses by that point that I was convicned she'd think the strep excuse was a lie.  Uggg.. it all makes me feel so crazy.  Things like this (and wow, this commitment is SO not the only commitment I have been hiding from in my life) make me feel so crazy and compulsively self-sabatoging.  oy vey.  

Well, thanks for bearing with my disorderly thoughts here.  I think I want to draft something that's honest to send to this lady.  Sometimes I just want to come clean.  stop the charade.  I really don't know if I can send this email (draft below), it's so much.. TMI..  but a part of me wants to.  The last time I saw Z. for a board meeting, afterwards we were chatting and the we spoke about some personal-ish stuff.  Her granddaughter, her abusive first marriage, how she married young and had to get out to save her own life.  I did reference my own struggles with depression, and how difficult things have been since I got to ny.  

 

Dear Z.,

I really owe you an apology.  I am sorry I have not been able to follow through with commitments I have made to you and [organization name].  I don't know what to say by way of explanation.  I have been struggling with depression, maybe I told you a little bit about that when we were chatting that day of the board meeting. When we met I felt things were looking up - that it had really begun to lift and I could take on some more things, but then suddently the last few months have turned out to be particularly difficult again - In february I was blind-sided by an unexpected relationship with someone who turned out to be, well, crazy and controlling.  Hard to admit to that, because I like to think of myself as having a pretty good, not very impulsive, head on my shoulders.  Not the sort to be blindsided, or the sort to let relationship drama rule my life.  But.. crazy rarely looks crazy in the beginning, I do believe that's the truth.  Too often it looks just the opposite.. high-functioning, accomplished, self-aware.  scary stuff.  At least it didn't last longer.  

Then, the day after I told you I'd have a revision of that LOI to you I came down with Strep throat, but kept hoping I could get the LOI done anyway.  I was too out of it to do it, though, and I avoided writing you and telling you I'd come down with strep for fear that it might sound like a lie, given my track record to date of not living up to my self-imposed deadlines/commitments.  Now somehow another month has passed, and here it is mid-may, and I have been avoiding being in touch for fear of knowing just what to say.  

Well.  It's not my usual style to be such an open book, but I don't know how else to explain, and I feel I owe you an explanation.  I would still like to help out with [organization] in the future, but if I'm honest with myself I have to admit that I don't seem to be in a place to be of very much use to you right now, at least where deadline driven writing tasks are concerned.   

well, that's as far as I've gotten so far.  Was thinking I could mention some consultant resources that might be helpful to her.  She's got a lot of business experience, but now that she's running a non-profit she could really use some insight from seasoned fundraisers and grant writers (which I'm not, exaclty, though I do have some experience and came at the low price of free.. I felt she and her org deserved / could really benefit fromt he advice of someone with a lot of authority and experience.)  

I'm all ears as to any thoughts or comisserations you guys might have, how you deal with situations like this, if you can relate.. etc.  

 thanks muchly for taking the time to read.