Sunday March 27th 2011

Please do not leave advice.  Thank you.  Prayers welcome. 

This is the  69th (har har) day that I have followed through with the following:

I'm making a pledge to quit using the dating site(s) and Facebook for 90
days.  I had written this on my 43things account, but I wrote that I
wanted to avoid dating sites for a full six months, so I think 90 days
is reasonable for a dating site.  I also have a penchant for looking at
and stalking certain people repeatedly on the dating website and online,
which has prevented me from sanity.  Just all out stalking certain
people has been all out crazy; if I'm not stalking one person, it's
another person.   During times I've tried to quit the dating site
before, I have visited people's dating profiles, even while not
registered on the dating site.  So part of my whole thing with quitting
dating sites is also quitting stalking people's profiles that I've tried
to date in the past.  If I accidentally load a dating site, b/c I
accidentally clicked on something obviously that doesn't count.  You can
hardly hang a cat on the Internet without hitting a dating site ad. 
Intention is everything. 

In other words:

• 90 days away from dating sites and facebook
• 90 days of not stalking people's profiles of people I've tried to date in the past
• 90 days of not stalking people online that I've tried to date in
  the past. (I am now back on day 32 for this).
• No Internet chat, aside from employment or twelve-step.  This
  includes not stalking people on AIM or other chat networks, whom I've
  tried to date in the past.  I just want to take a step back and get
  sanity and focus on MYSELF. (I'm on day 2
  of this.)
• 56 days of exercise:  All I need to do is exercise for 30 minutes a
  day: walking, swimming, hiking, biking, running, jogging, karate, yoga,
  a dance class.  Anything of those for at least 30 minutes.  And nothing
  else.  I can do the running plan, but I assure myself that each day
  that I show up to run, I will be okay, if all I do is ultimately choose
  to walk.  Whatever I feel comfortable with when I do. That way I don't
  intimidate myself.
  • on day 3 of this

Adapted From Food for Thought: Daily Meditations

MY BASICS: checking in; support calls(1x); affirmations; gratitudes; reading; check calendar AM; check calendar PM; listen to positive recording for 20 minutes;  write down my 6 most important tasks; voicemail; exercise; manage A; manage D; use master list; use timer; track time on sheet and/or iPhone application

Affirmations (said aloud as well):

I choose to show up and start my top 6 tasks, 15 to 30 minutes at a time. I complete my top 6 tasks -- in 15 to 30 minute periods.I embrace the pain or feeling the pain while I do these tasks.

I know that if I have that old feeling of pain or anxiety while I am working on my top 6 - I will embrace and love that pain since it means that I am doing something important.

  And remember . . . if I am feeling resistance or "shame" or "screwed up" or procrastinated at something lately, it's probably just the Dynamics of Human Change doing its checks & balances . . . I am going to keep going!

tracy-la

I have now been in this program 1 year, 4 months.

After my 1 year anniversary, I experienced significant relapse. The recovery I had attained (and I really HAD attained a good amount of recovery) evaporated, almost overnight - only to be replaced by apathy and a complete lack of willingness.

This is where I have been for the last 4 months.

In the meantime, fear and dissociation (common experiences for me when taking action, or contemplating taking action) have regained a foot-hold while my recovery has been on "vacation." I had stopped having certain fear-based, dissociative reactions while working in this program. I was able to take action much more consistently, and with joy - rather than fear. I had to work THROUGH the fear, be humble, reach out (a LOT), and pray to get there -- to that fearless, productive place.

Well...after my 1 year anniversary, I STOPPED being humble, reaching out, and praying. And, in the meantime - while I wasn't paying attention - the fear crept back in. I hadn't realized that would happen, but - hey? What else did I expect? I mean, really. Stop expanding, and what's predictably going to happen?

You retract.

So, here I am...sort of back at the starting point I was first at over a year ago. C'est la vie!

I prayed this morning. And I asked God to move me in the direction of forward motion, in each moment, and every moment. And that, when I slipped - and I will - to help me regain my footing in the next moment, and continue to keep putting my best foot forward. Moment by moment. It's the best I can do right now. It's far more than I HAVE been doing these last 4 months...

So - my to-do today? Pray.

When I feel fear ... pray.
When I start to dissociate ... pray.
When I feel overwhelmed ... pray.
When I want to stop ... pray.
When I want to turn on the t.v. ... pray.
When I accomplish a task, any task - no matter how small ... pray, & give thanks.

This is my to-do today. Pray.

Thank you God, for the life I have and all the blessings in it.
Help me to make each action this day one that brings me closer to you, and my highest good, moment by moment. Action by action. Breath by breath.
Amen.

(Thanks for reading.)

Yours in fellowship - MC

"[People] need to be connected to each other. Courage comes out of relationship; it doesn’t come out of willpower." Peter Block, author of Servant Leadership: Choosing Service Over Self-Interest.

I want to thank my Higher Power for this program, this website, the telephone and online meetings, and my life.

I want to thank FindingNewStrength for starting this trend.

Things I have done today

 today

1. Went to the 7 a.m. telephone DA meeting

2. Morning prayer

3. Went to the 9:45 a.m. telephone CLA meeting

Things I will do

1. Test blood sugar twice

2. Cook and eat brunch

3. Make bed

4. Wash dishes

5. Go to the hospital to get a doctor's statement

6. Go to the 3:30 p.m. online PA meeting

7. Eat dinner

8. Evening prayer

9. Take shower

10. Get dressed

11. Go to the 6:30 p.m. face to face DA meeting

12. Go to the 8 p.m. telephone CLA meeting

13. Go to the 11 a.m. telephone NA meeting

14. Evening prayer

15. Read Step One in the 12&12

16. Finish Step One in Al-Anon

17. Send out Al-Anon e-mail for today

18. Post Al-Anon literature for the rest of the week

19. Go to the 9:30 p.m. telephone CLA meeting

20. Clear off tables near and on the computer

Thanks for letting me share