Tuesday 21 December 2010

Working in the afternoon for most of this week. Was doing ok, but now floundering on what I should be working on.  Need to sit and make a plan.  Eat something and get some caffeine.

I can make progress in the next few hours...

Good Tuesday Everyone,

The rain in L.A. is getting to me. Just 2 more days of this I hope.

Basics; checking in and reading; affirmation; prayer; check calendar; plan to plan; work with timer and with plan.

Lots of work at the office today. Meeting at 1 pm. Office party at 3 pm.

Will check in later.

tracy-la

Later check in.

For each 30 min do smiley face.

Clean up around house/update calendar, etc.    

Drop off car to be fixed/pick up rental - 1 hour 

Wrapped gifts for people in office building (sec guards, etc) -

Online Xmas shopping. bought 8 gifts

Get ready 12:30-1; Meeting 1:30 at office

Meeting 2:30 at office; Office party 3:30 - 5

Xmas shopping 5-6 pm

6-6:30 more shopping

I began to let my recovery practices slip a week ago Monday; I see now that I was feeling demoralized and ashamed because the previous week I'd started a practice of filing a weekly "work order" with client #2 that promised a bunch of deliverables for the week — and I didn't get a number of them done. It is really hard for me to stay with feelings like that; I desperately want not to feel them, I want them to go away — and so that's what I do. I just make reality go away, I stay in the fog of vagueness. I switch on a kind of amnesia. 

And this is why my relationships — with colleagues, friends, lovers — break down.

Chrissakes, right this instant I feel fatigue coming down on me like one of those junkyard car crushers — even writing this stuff down, this plunger inside me is triggered and I am powerless over an automatic emotional/mental shut-down. Narcolepsy as coping strategy ... yeesh. 

Today I just want to try to stay awake.  

TO-DO LIST

THE BASIC REQUIREMENT

- call a recovering person

- call another recovering person

- do a phone meeting

WORK

- client #2: microcontent: write the topic-page content

- client #2: creative brief, requirements, rough prototype

- client #1: daily report

RECOVERY

- daily renewal

- exercise

- journaling

- meditation

- morning prayer

- readings

DAILY RENEWAL

• I'm powerless over perfectionism, procrastination, intensely uncomfortable feelings (fear, despair, etc), and the various substances and self-handicapping behaviors I've used to cope with those feelings.
• I'm powerless over under-earning, under-being, hiding from reality, living small.
• I can't manage my life. I quit. I'm out of management.
• I want to be sober today. For work issues, these are the inner-circle behaviors I want to avoid:
  • sleeping to avoid work/reality
  • using my sexuality to avoid work/reality
  • working without a clear plan -- a prioritized to-do list, a time-boxed calendar
  • working outside the PA Chatbox -- e.g., without bookending each task
  • staying in vague, unstructured time during business hours
  • impulsive decisions about what to do, or work on, during business hours
  • failure to record hours with a timer during business hours
  • failure to estimate how much time a task will take
  • failure to scope a project
  • engaging in perfectionism: seeking immunity from disapproval/judgment via a strategy of producing nothing until I feel total mastery over the subject, and then chipping away at a deliverable until I'm certain it is unassailably perfect. I'm not sober if I'm exceeding my time estimates more than 3x-4x.
• I'll do whatever's necessary today to walk a path that allows me to be useful.
• Only higher power can keep me sober, but I need others to connect to higher power — and other people can help me see things I won't otherwise see, and can help me be accountable.
• this is just for today; tomorrow I can go another way if I so choose.
• I turn my will and my life over to walking whatever path the truth — the dharma — reveals to me.
• in the next 24 hours, I'm not planning to do anything I would be ashamed of (in doing this renewal, I've let go of a plan to act out in a particular way)
• obstacles ahead: accepting the presence of frustration and anxiety over my relationship w/ client #2 — I want it to be perfect and lead to a permanent full time job; the truth is I have limited control over how it goes. All I can do is show up.

Wow- I never make it on this early lol.

Things to do-
-Vitamins/2 antibiotics/1Fe/1Bp
-#1 #2 #3
-Take what is left of supplements
-Pick up more supplements
-Figure out gift for best friend
-Track down papers for tomorrow
-Training video #2/#3
-Video #4/#5
-Video #6/#7/#8
-Make cookie dough raspberry turnover dough
-Stuff from yesterday
-Call P
-Send pictures to P