Unable to Live a Balanced Life
Ok, so I'm procrastinating....but I have this powerful urge to vent about my experiences with procrastination right now. I don't know, part of it is to get feelings off my chest, and the other part is to see if anyone can relate to my experiences.
Ihave sort of realized that my problem with procrastination has a lot more to do with social anxiety than anything else. I also have mild ADD-I, but I really think that the procrastiation issue started when I became anxious and insecure about myself. It's always taken me a little more effort to leanr things because of my add, but once I understood something I would always score in the top of my class on tests and stuff.
In 7th grade was when i first notice the anxiety creeping in. I started to feel behind my other classmates socially, and it bugged me a little, but not enough to be a problem. I was ok with being the "quiet girl in the corner". I continued to do well in school and maintained the few good friends I already had. I even gained a few friends by the end of the year.
In 8th grade I continued with the same trend as 7th grade...not completely fitting into the "mold", but I was ok with that. Then, sudenly, I developed this huge crush on a boy. To me, he was the perfect guy for me. He was very smart, but a bit reserved with a clever sense of humor. I became infatuated with this boy. I felt that if one day he loved me, I would be happy for my whole life. he made school more fun for me...I was always anticipating the classes i'd have with him. I wanted desperately to talk to him and become friends, but I was too scared to really say much around him. It was a very obsessive kind of crush, and now I know it was unhealthy for me. I feel like this is part of what caused my anxiety/avoidance issues.
Since I always considered myself "smart" and I admired him for being smart, I was always hoping he'd notice me for that. Well, he didn't, and I'd start to compare myself to the girls he talked to regularly. They were also smart, but they had an air of sophistication I didn't have. They also were the type of girls who would do anythhing and everything to make their future college applications looked perfect. I think, subconsciouslly, I convinced myself I had to become more like them to get his attention.
Long story short, my crush cntinued into high school and caused me nothing more than frustration and embarassment. Also, between my own social anxieety and desire to impress my crush, I'd developed a desire to "fit in" more in highschool. i wasted so much time my freshman year worrying about the way i looked and whether i was talking to the right people. I had a desire to leave my old group of friends for a "cooler" group, but I was shy and really never had the courage to get out of my comfort zone anyway. my grades went down from all these distractions started by my anxiety. Once I realized my grades were getting worse, i began anxious about school as well. I started to resent myself and wonder what I'd done to deserve this.
This pattern continued throughout high school, except I became more mindful of my suidies again. But between my crappy self esteem and habits of avoidance and distraction that I'd developed during 8th and 9th grade, school was still frustrating for me. i ccontinued to have a crush on this boy until about the middle of my junior year, when i finally gave up.
So now I'm in college and feel like I can put that all behind me. Despite my terrible habits in high school, my gpa was good enough to get me to college and now it's my time to start over. But now I've realized I'm not a person who's able to have a balance. i can't be the girl with a booming social life and good grades. I'm limited in that way. So I'm going back to my middle school habits. The lessons I learned during high school have taught me to never let anyone make me question my self-worth. I'm doing what makes me happy now- doing well in school and focusing on my success. If that means I'm a little anti-social and only have a handful of good friends, I'm happy with that.
I've never really spoken to anybody about my experience with this. I'm honestly really embarrassed about it. Or how I developed my procaratination habits. This is a really sensitive topic for me. if anyone wants to comment, feel free.