Unable to Live a Balanced Life
Ok, so I'm procrastinating....but I have this powerful urge to vent about my experiences with procrastination right now. I don't know, part of it is to get feelings off my chest, and the other part is to see if anyone can relate to my experiences.
Ihave sort of realized that my problem with procrastination has a lot more to do with social anxiety than anything else. I also have mild ADD-I, but I really think that the procrastiation issue started when I became anxious and insecure about myself. It's always taken me a little more effort to leanr things because of my add, but once I understood something I would always score in the top of my class on tests and stuff.
In 7th grade was when i first notice the anxiety creeping in. I started to feel behind my other classmates socially, and it bugged me a little, but not enough to be a problem. I was ok with being the "quiet girl in the corner". I continued to do well in school and maintained the few good friends I already had. I even gained a few friends by the end of the year.
In 8th grade I continued with the same trend as 7th grade...not completely fitting into the "mold", but I was ok with that. Then, sudenly, I developed this huge crush on a boy. To me, he was the perfect guy for me. He was very smart, but a bit reserved with a clever sense of humor. I became infatuated with this boy. I felt that if one day he loved me, I would be happy for my whole life. he made school more fun for me...I was always anticipating the classes i'd have with him. I wanted desperately to talk to him and become friends, but I was too scared to really say much around him. It was a very obsessive kind of crush, and now I know it was unhealthy for me. I feel like this is part of what caused my anxiety/avoidance issues.
Since I always considered myself "smart" and I admired him for being smart, I was always hoping he'd notice me for that. Well, he didn't, and I'd start to compare myself to the girls he talked to regularly. They were also smart, but they had an air of sophistication I didn't have. They also were the type of girls who would do anythhing and everything to make their future college applications looked perfect. I think, subconsciouslly, I convinced myself I had to become more like them to get his attention.
Long story short, my crush cntinued into high school and caused me nothing more than frustration and embarassment. Also, between my own social anxieety and desire to impress my crush, I'd developed a desire to "fit in" more in highschool. i wasted so much time my freshman year worrying about the way i looked and whether i was talking to the right people. I had a desire to leave my old group of friends for a "cooler" group, but I was shy and really never had the courage to get out of my comfort zone anyway. my grades went down from all these distractions started by my anxiety. Once I realized my grades were getting worse, i began anxious about school as well. I started to resent myself and wonder what I'd done to deserve this.
This pattern continued throughout high school, except I became more mindful of my suidies again. But between my crappy self esteem and habits of avoidance and distraction that I'd developed during 8th and 9th grade, school was still frustrating for me. i ccontinued to have a crush on this boy until about the middle of my junior year, when i finally gave up.
So now I'm in college and feel like I can put that all behind me. Despite my terrible habits in high school, my gpa was good enough to get me to college and now it's my time to start over. But now I've realized I'm not a person who's able to have a balance. i can't be the girl with a booming social life and good grades. I'm limited in that way. So I'm going back to my middle school habits. The lessons I learned during high school have taught me to never let anyone make me question my self-worth. I'm doing what makes me happy now- doing well in school and focusing on my success. If that means I'm a little anti-social and only have a handful of good friends, I'm happy with that.
I've never really spoken to anybody about my experience with this. I'm honestly really embarrassed about it. Or how I developed my procaratination habits. This is a really sensitive topic for me. if anyone wants to comment, feel free.
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I feel like I could have written your post! I just wish I had been as insightful as you to realize what was really important at the start of college (i.e. self worth and true friends) rather than 10 years into a career. I think that this path will serve you much better as time goes on. Amazingly the people you find who are like you will be the folks you will prefer hanging out with anyway.
I wish you all the best in your journey and encourage you to continue to be true to yourself.
Hi ktgato64 - You're lucky
Hi ktgato64 - You're lucky to have begun to address this issue at such a young age. I think leading a balanced life is difficult for most people who want to succeed academically.
It can also be tough for people with black and white or all or nothing thinking where it's easier for them to focus on one thing. Your obsessiveness (even if it was misplaced for a while on a guy) could do wonders for you if it is on a subject matter or career path.
This may always be an issue for you but if you can be conscious of it, it helps. And since you're so young, the social success you'll have in college will be a lot better than what it was in high school. Without even meeting you, I'd bet you'll blossom in college socially where there will be plenty of people you relate to
One of my best friends did well in high school and when she was in a sorority in college her freshman year (and was one of the few to have a car) she was so social and flunked out. She came back to our home town of Phoenix, went to community college and got accepted at Northwestern but she had a tough learning experience. Lots of young women focus more on the social and boys in high school. Going through puberty and dealing with the difficult social world of girls/women isn't easy.
It's wonderful you're in college. Stay aware and conscious. Have a great week!
Yeah, I definitely am still
Yeah, I definitely am still struggling with this issue, but it really is helping me that I'm aware of it. I also think I developed mild anxiety/ocd around when i hit puberty, so the onset of my problems kind of makes sense. What I'm trying to do is be as positive as I can, and be aware of when my thoughts start being run by social anxiety (such as worrying what people willl think if I do this or that...). I also am making my best effort to exercise regularly, as that is like a miracle drug for my anxiety. It feels so good to get this off my chest! :)
Thank you for getting it out. That first step is the hardest for all of us. and then the consistency.... I am almost too afraid to leave for fear I will not come back to the olny place that works. Keep coming back - it is safe here.
Totally agree about the
Totally agree about the exercise! Have a great night.
Welcome. Keep coming back. You are so lucky to have found us when you did. You never need to feel emarrassed about it, at least not here.