Ardenforest - keep searching
Arden- I have had extensive experience with severe depression
from the age of 8 on. I find it hard to fathom a child (i.e. me many
years ago) wishing (and attempting) to die on a daily basis now. I just want to share
what my journey has been and do not intend to imply that my way is what
you should do. But I feel it is a story of hope...
Throughout the very dark years of my past I have alternately
been resistant to counseling, therapy, medicines, etc. I have tried
many, many possible solutions from meditation, online forums, exercise, supplements,
etc. I finally decided last year that I had exhausted all possibilities
that I could think of and I was still at the bottom of a deep pit,
while on the surface mostly seeming ok to everyone else. When the
depression finally began to hurt my child and husband I decided that my
resistance to medicines was a pride thing for me (this is not true for everyone). I finally 'broke down' (in my mind) and started
exploring that path towards recovery. I felt I had nothing else to lose. The trial and error of finding the right chemistry was rocky, long, irritating,
expensive, and seemed futile at times. I wanted to give up and prove my old self right that medicines couldn't help me. But, I finally found a
combination of medications that truly works for me. I don't ever remember being happy before. But now I often catch myself smiling, having the energy to encourage someone else and wishing to truly live as I have never experienced before. It's not manic, it's not a feeling of not being myself, it's not forced. It just feels normal. I still have bad days and grumpy days but that's all they are and they are well within a normal range of emotion for a mentally healthy individual (whatever that means! LOL!). However, it hasn't made overcoming procrastination easier. It has just let me face it and have the energy to stand up to it and fight it down and hopefully conquer it.
This may be more a 'share' than you wanted/needed. Everyone has to find their own path. I feel so lucky that I finally found one that worked for me. I wish the same for you. If you ever want to contact me, I'll be glad to lend a supporting ear. The whole community here is wonderful and I hope is a light in your dark days right now.
lots of (((hugs))) to you. Foremost, take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself.