Procrastinators Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from chronic procrastination.
hope4meandu's journal
Friday, February 19, 2010
I just needed to unload stuff in my head & didn't want to bore anyone with my numerous dramas & fears...so I figured I will dump here in my newly created Journal!!! There is some crazy things in my head that I need to get out completely, so read at your own risk...and not on an empty stomach or on a full one either - LOL!!
The waitressing interview went well yesterday. Already I am having all kinds of craziness/paranoia in my head if I get this job.
Now that I found the chatbox and used it my last job & how much it helps, if I'm waitressing I won't be able to use it, unless I get a blackberry?
With me - if I'm obsessing about something, it usually means that I won't get what I'm obsessing about (this job) because on some level - I'm not being met.
The person who interviewed me was extremely positive, but he said he doesn't make the decisions, his boss does, so that already freaks me out in some way. Like he knows I will not be hired. When I left he said he hopes his boss calls me in next week - which means another interview - AAAHHH. I get a scared feeling about the boss. I fear he won't like or want me. I also have this crazy idea that this guy wants me to be hired so the staff can abuse me. The interviewer also listed me as being able to work every day. I don't want to work every day and the shift requirement is 4 days...that's plenty...
This restaurant is very popular and known to have excellent food. We've eaten there on special occasions because it's expensive. I'm afraid when I see what goes on in the kitchen, I'll be grossed out and this restaurant will go "down" in my eyes. I'm also also scared of waitressing. I have a horrible memory, will I screw things up? I remember waitressing 20 years ago and my hands would be shaking...I would pray I would get no customers.
I think I could be good at it, because I like to offer good customer service and take care of people. I will also be running in to a lot of people from my old neighborhood, if i get this gig. I hope to use this as an opportunity to make amends. I'm afraid if I get a big party...I'm afraid if children come in (I don't have the "kids" gene) - not 100% true).
I am also afraid of the "down time." I figure since I will kind of be "in training," I'll be around when it's not busy and I'm afraid of the other staff, my paranoia is really bad, & this is a perfect situation for it to kill me. I would probably bring a book and maybe get a blackberry, get an ipod...I would like to connect with my fellow workers too, but I'm terrified of being scapegoated, etc. Maybe if and when I gain experience I can graduate to the busy times and not have to worry as much. If I get this, I would like to make it fun for me and the customers & staff.
I was confused by how much he liked me...I'm not experienced, etc., but this interview was so unlike the last waitressing one I went on, they were kind and if nothing else happens, I appreciated that. Fear, fear, fear, fear....my biggest is not having you guys to check in with during the day to keep my head on straight...have to think of things. I want this, if I get it, to be a financial situation that will help me start my doggie business. I am already greedily counting my tips and money & thinking I might make more here than in my last job.
Also, I have a tendency of going in to a job, the first 6 months are great & then all heck breaks loose. I usually end up going into a situation looking for the bad..and somehow I usually find it - LOL...
Freaked out also because we need the $. My old office manager called and told me how much I owed the firm, which is going to take all my savings. I'm grateful I have the money, but terrified to not be able to pay rent on the 15th or anything else.
I haven't been able to open my checking account to see how the monies doing because I'm too terrified.
Thankful to have a place to come, where I'm accepted, understood and not alone anymore.
Keep the peace!!
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Sunday, June 6th (hope4's journal continued)
Hi,
Felt the need to get this all out of my system, as I really don't talk to people about certain problems, and need to dump them somewhere.
My husband...gratefully, he is out by himself this afternoon, so I don't have to be harrassed. I have been questioning whether to stay married since 6 months after our marriage. Frankly, I don't know what is me, my thinking thoughts that make this stuff happen or it happens because others are dysfunctional?
First I know what cleaning I want and am willing to do today, clean bathroom and do a few loads of laundry, the rest is play and relaxation (maybe do my nails?) Also want to be alone as much as possible today.
I also have financial fears, lots of them, my new job is doable, but i don't earn enough. I want to start my own dog business, but I don't take enough actions. Also, a few weeks back I went to a DA visions meeting (my 1st or 2nd time) and I'm not a meditator or give easily to meditating, but there I was in this amazing vision of what my HP has for me, more that I could possible imagine and I'm freaking out, it doesn't involve dogs, at least not in this vision). and I'm transported back to a time when I had a clear choice between 2 visions: one of creativity and sorrow and one of religious convictions and joy, and of course the creative side one. Is this the same thing? Do I have to choose between one or the other? I fear so, but am not sure. Then I listen to another visions meeting, thank G_d, and of course, I'm too scared to meditate and am blocked out of fear, but what I see is confusing. I know, as the speaker said and it spoke so loudly to me, I need to learn how to meditate in my daily life, so I can separate the fears from the whatevers...
In all my years of program, 100 and counting, meditating has been the one thing I've avoided, not my style, stupid, etc. I don't like the idea of listening to my breathe, etc., all that nonsense, but I need to start...so I will commit to 2 minutes (timed) of something resembaling me trying to hear my HP. Also because of my hundred years and counting in these rooms, I have a working HP in my mind and awareness frequently, guiding me through my day or is that you guys, but when it comes to having, money, careers, etc., NO.
Also, I was actively making amends then I stopped. I know now when this happened. I'm disappointed in myself, as I had quite a flow going.
I have changed but the people closest to me stink or is just my view? I feel my husband purpossely dumps his anger and rage on me, disappointmetns, he is a miserable person, crancky, mean, picky, and when he knows he is getting to me it makes him happy. I feel bad for myself. Until last year he was raging at us (me and my dog) on a daily basis (and I wonder why my girl is sick). I was him a few years ago, so how can I not take this kind of treatment. I was hated in my family of origin and unfortunately, it's the same today. Do I deserve it, is it real or the past, I want to die...
Is my thinking that wrong, is my thinking creating my future? I had an "EST" therapist (weirdos), thought I loved him, and I would tell him my problems and what I would think was my future and every time, every session, every whatever, he would say, "if you say so." Okay, so I can say people like and love me, bla, bla, bla and bla, bla, bla and it will be true.. It is true I have one amazing friend and I know it and she knows it, and we know it & am extremely grateful for her. So I'm confused. Do I go out in the world where people (my boss) enjoys hurting and taking stuff out on me and say it isn't what it is? I don't know what's happening, men, used to be my friends and it was women who gave me the most trouble, now I get tortured by men. My brother and father were torturers, but I mostly gravitate towards men, but not anymore. I don't want to become the man hater I once was.
I'm treated poorly, and I know I can't control that, except by trying to create my dog business and I am unwilling to take action, I want it to fail, I want the "right time" to pass me by, so I won't get hurt, try it and fail. And if it's a choice between my doggy vision and the other one, I want the other one, but what I really want is BOTH.
I thought if I left my high paying job, where I was harrassed by 17 people, to where I'm harrassed by 2 and a husband, it would make my husband not so bad, but in ways it made it worse, because I just work for my boss and another creepoid, the abuse and nastiness can get to me easier....it has gotten better though, but what I always know, is my boss will always come back to me to dump, so he can walk away with more of my spiritual and emotional gentleness. That's what these men do, it seems, I don't know.
All the ways I've tried to help my husband to only get yelled at for trying. I feel manipulated. Okay, so the 6 years of daily yelling and rage has subsided to maybe once or twice a week, but how can I trust that this person cares and loves me, now things are more subtle and scarier for me... I was shocked & confused to see this is the person I married. And I'm seeing that he is never going to change, he is always going to try to dappen any mood, take the good and kill it, etc. and the weirdness of it all, is this is what my Mom would say about me every day of my life, I'm destructive, I ruin everything, I destroy everthing and yes, it was true, and yes I was angry, neglected, hated and uncared about, but this was my family. Before I met my husband, I wasn't his family, I didn't do this to him, but yet I'm getting the fallout. I don't hate him either, I try not to, I've used up all my ability to hate another person, 100 times over...I feel sorry for myself.
How am I going to afford a gym that is 2 seonds away from where I work ($55 a month) when I'm not going to be able to make my rent this month, somewhere in me I feel I will have $, it will be okay, it will work out, but......the economy, everyone is suffering (or at least not the rich people and even the higher level middle class or suffering) my poor boss complains to me about my $10 an hour salary, but yet he is driving a new 2010 RAM truck and is buying a new boat. Let me tell you I feel really sorry for him and he continues to complain, when I don't have a car, lug all my food bags around, he lives a block and a half a way, yet I take the bus, with my heavy loads..PIG....true, I have not helped a lot of people in my life, sadly to say, so this is the only way I can make peace with this. I'm not looking for glory or help or anything, just not to be treated badly, but that isn't the case either, so when he's not there I am doing my own stuff, on the computer on meetings, stealing time from him, not wanting to, knowing it's wrong. I am not a talker or pointer outer, he knows mostly, not 100%, because we are all a little blind, that he is treating me poorly, he doesn't care. How many 100 of years have I not cared about anyone?
So today, I will clean my bathroom and I will make 2 DA phone calls, in hopes that these actions are part of taking steps to financial security, my doggy business and my creative desires (but why would that happen for me, when there are so many more talented people out there??) Gratitude for the more consistency I have with cleaning my apartment. Gratitude for the help I get here and for you all.
Feels good to empty the mind, grateful I can safely do that here.
Kind regards!!
♥Just when I thought it was safe to go in the water (que: shark music) my Yoffee is off her meds and has taken a turn for the worse, prayers & guidance for her healing, please HP & All.♥
((((hope))))
"Bless the present. Trust yourself. Expect the best." --Steve Nobel
(Hope)
Hi, thanks for sharing, from your "show up" buddy. I for one, can vouch that you are a wonderful, caring, kind person. I too struggle with depression and most of the issues you wrote of below.I may never know why or what to do, but I do know where to turn and know that my Higher Power has me covered, even though it may not seem that way. He gave you a loving dog and he gave me a loving pet. He led us to this group and we are "showing up" and not "picking up". That alone is a miracle, and if we keep trying, he will help us.
Your show up friend.
hope4meandu;s journal - Sunday, April 24, 2010
Have been feeling the need to get things off my back for a long while....highly personal, so kind advice is needed and a kind eye in regards to reading is also needed.
So much on my mind, so much going on..don't know where to begin.
Depression at home. Now that my hubby has stopped raging at us after 6 years, now I am full of rage and anger at him. I realize that this is "normal" when someone stops a bad hehavior, but I am angry at myself for not being able to get passed it and feeling anger and no love whatsoever towards him. In fact I realize as a defect, I am putting out "feelers" for a better man and get responses. After enduring his rages with love and forgiveness how come I can't get past this?
Am so grateful that my girl is on the mend, not perfectly, but getting there. It's hard when she has a bad night or day, as my optimism and hope go out the window. I am also so grateful that I feel so close to her and we communicate now on a new level. She is the light of my life and I'm sorry to say, first in my life. Yes, my child is first and if my Mom had treated me this way instead of putting everyone and every thing before me, maybe I wouldn't be so bad off today or maybe I would...who knows.
There is a boy that is in trouble in our neighborhood and it's a mess. He was getting help from a woman (who has a husband and 4 children of her own). Then he started to need me and she flipped out & the husband was already angry because she was putting this boy before everyone in her own family. Now this boy is without her and me and his family and I don't know how to help. We were told by the other family not to get involved because he's a sex addict, which he is...so the husbands' are supposed to be helping him. My husband barely calls his own daughter once a week, so what help will my husband give him....the other family is so mad that they are willing to see him hurt himself and not do anything. I am torn up. He's left school and don't even know if he has a job...he was molested by his brother and could easily get into drugs, active sex addiction or worse. I am not one who helps people easily, I am a lousy sponsor, so I don't sponsor, yet I give help when I can in ways that I feel good about. I've had people help me throughout my life, when am I going to give back? Feel like a failure in many ways in my life. As a stepmother, daughter, friend, daughter-in-law, and now sort of as a wife. Thankfully a million times, not as a doggy Mom.
I am very depressed at home, and want to make my home of over 6 months nice, to have guests, company and I vaguely see how my husband feeds into my procrastinating. A few months back I wanted to get blinds/curtains on our windows. We still have sheets or nothing on them and having that privacy is so very important to me. When I was really gung ho and thinking my husband was with me, he backed out of looking with me and helping me. I realize he does this with lots of things, we start something as a team, he promises to help, then I'm left alone feeling depressed and dejected. Mostly I do everything alone in my life, including getting my girl healthy. Of course not alone because of you guys and my HP and my loving and wonderful sponsor. So now curtains, finding cheap furniture and everything else is on me. Now that I know he won't be helping, I hope to be able to take steps to do things without him and not include him in the first place. So many projects derailed, so many things left hanging, but his stuff is always taken care of...his checkbook is always balanced, and I muddle in procrastinators heck. and I feel he does this purposelly. I feel so much anger towards him. So much disappointment. He actually called me moody last night. I wasn't moody until he got to me...no I don't feel like he's on my side, wants good for me..I feel like he is a person not to be trusted and why did I marry such a person? He is thinking of going back to school in the Fall. He is hoping to got to a school in NJ and if he goes, I'm praying that he goes alone. I will get a roommate for here, not really ideal, but I will do what I have to do. The inaction and depression are deep within me.
I am hoping to start a doggy business, but who knows. Can't do anything until my girl is better, as all I want to do is be with her as she recovers and when she fully recovers and it's in the plan for me to start this business, I want her to come along with me with the dogs she likes. I want it to be our business, so I can spend more time with her. I'm so grateful to finally feel like I might be a good mother. I was a very good wife, too good for him, in my opinion.
There is so much more to write, I think I need to start working on my own incest issues and connect with a group that does that. I also need to connect with DAers, my $ is in shambles and I can't let this happen.
Very, very grateful to be food abstinent, picking at myself less (another adddiction).
I also am in p.t. for my back and at this point don't know if I'm getting worse or better. I really need to take charge of my own back recovery, but don't want to do this either.
Work-wise my boss is already in debt and he's working with someone who is trying to bring in big business, but who talks badly about him when he's not there to me. I'm worried he will get him in worse debt then leave him in a lurch. My boss is renting a bigger space and doing construction on the space which to me is craziness, just take the space as is. My boss is a constant liar and has a very nasty side and temper. Who else would I get invovled with? Anyway, I don't know how to either talk to my boss or this other person, or should I just stay out of things as I always do and let things fall where they may. My boss seems to attract men that love themselves and don't stop telling people how great they are and who are not really out for his benefit. If I talk to my boss about this other person, it's gossip, if I say something to this other person like if you're not here to help my boss, then maybe you should get out now before real damage can be done. The other guy is constantly talking about what a mess my boss is, and thinks I'm going to agree with him. Yes, my boss is a mess, but this guy isn't the healthiest person by any stretch of the imagination. Don't know what to do.
Anyway grateful to get this off my shoulders and to have a place to come. Think I will go spend some time with my girl.
Kind regards all
♥"Prayers for my Yoffee's complete & speedy recovery and prayers for direction & clarity on how she can be healed.♥
Hope, some thoughts for you...
Here are my very brief thoughts, based on what I read... You seem like a very kind and loving person. You need to concentrate on YOU, and what is best for YOU. Your daughter is the light of your life, and you should follow through on your plans for the two of you. Your husband? All I can say is that everyone deserves a good relationship. No couple is perfect - if it can be worked out, please do so for everyone's sake. Try hard. If it can't, perhaps it's best for all if you part as friends. Your job? No one should work in a place that depresses them -- look for a place where you can respect everyone and feel more secure. The neighborhood boy -- as tough as it is, you are in no position to take that project on. At best, call an appropriate agency and ask them to help him. Stay out of it after that -- you have too much on your plate.
You deserve a good life. Take the steps necessary, day by day, to get closer to what you want. It can be done. We're all here to support you!
Thanks Huma for reading and replying
Really appreciate knowing you are here and care.
Kind regards!!
♥"Prayers for my Yoffee's complete & speedy recovery and prayers for direction & clarity on how she can be healed.♥
ci do it now apr 18
FROM DECEMBER
5 MINS PER DAY ON WORK
1 R Shnbr letter
2 "molly" to Fldmns
3 J lib
4 Talk to Bob advice
5 track xrcis larning dit slp
6 yhrzts
make a mistake accept it
resp not prfctn
7 hd bubbles
trust self
article on building habits
48 ways 6-0 201
Sunday, April 18, 2010
My procrastinating at home is at its worse. At work because I go on chatbox, I am really staying clear of the chaos and confusion my boss purposelly creates to make me feel stupid and am really doing a good job. Without you guys I don't think I'd be able to hold down a job.
I had a headache in my sleep and woke up with a doozy after speaking to my mother-in-law before bed. Such a hurtful, non-stop talker. Shouldn't have picked up the phone.
The fact that I'm on this site now, is a mnior miracle. I know if when I came home from work and on Sundays if I was connected to you guys I would have a successful, accomplishing day. Right now my husband wants to spend money we don't have on sneakers, so I have to use the gift cards I was given on the holidays, that I wanted to spend on curtains for our house that still have sheets on the windows 6 months later. I don't want to present my husband as a "spender," he's not, but he has been using the crdit card for everything recently way too freely.
I need to get DA support and hook up with people there, but I have no willingness.
I also see how my husband sabotahes me with accomplishing things.
Anyway, more later, as I have to get ready.
♥"Prayers for my Yoffee's complete & speedy recovery and prayers for direction & clarity on how she can be healed.♥
Friday, March 5, 2010
Am willing to give up peanut butter starting tomorrow, a day at a time. It's causing me problems, being that it's a binge food for me. I'm also having problems with the bread and butter I've been eating for dinner. Also willing to give that up a day at a time and for the same points value have cous cous or pasta..it's better and less delicious to me. Lastly, no avacocados a day at time.
Needed to journal today about my new job. I thought I would have no problems because it's so easy..the problem I'm now having which I already apologized for is. I'm going to do the opposite of what my employer wants. In my last job they needed me to think and in this job they dont'.
Now I'm trying to think of ways to do things better, like in my last job, instead of trying to do things better, he just wanted the things I did done right and well. I see how contrary I am..never saw this about me before.
And again I got a call today and the man said he knew my boss and still wanted to be friends with him, and instead of saying what I was supposed to say, sorry, I'm just an answering service I felt bad for him and told him my boss was out of town. Not good.
I guess I have a problem, saying I'm just an answering service, but I don't have a problem lying when I need to. That's another defect I see, that I never thought of as a defect. I lie, not always & not a lot, but when I really need to I don't think a thing of it.
I think I am also upset about this job, because he owes lots of money to people and I think he has a lot of projects and unfinished business, things against him, etc. It makes me uncomfortable. He never not pays me though, which I'm lukcy about. I hope that new and great business will come him and he can clear his name, but that's can't be my goal...it's only up to HP. I see he has already lied to me (I believe) about a couple of things. He's a smooth operator. He is also pretty overweight and now I see that when I work in a small office, I tend to act like and take on the people around me more readily.
Since I've started my patience is less and I'm getting angrier quicker...that bothers me and is not acceptable. I see, now that I am not "kept in my place by reminders of how stupid I am, I am getting more contolling and who I am.
I've lost my abstinence many times working in a small office environment, and I have to remember that and remember who I am and who I am trying to be. It just doesn't seem to matter as much keeping it, nobody sees me, no stress, might as well eat.
Also, my husband is laying in to me and why does this suprise me? Why don't I know that after 7 years he will do this, dump on me, etc., and can't I let it roll off my back like i did when I was working at heck job, it should be easier for me to let things go, as I don't have 15 people putting me down and not liking me, but it's not.
I think I have to give myself room to learn about myself and this new environment and give myself patience to understand my reactions and know it will be okay.
My abstinence and gratitude for it still has to come first..
On that note, will make an amends call now...breathe..
♥"You don't count how many times you are on the floor, you count how many times you get up." (by Jaime Escalante)♥
Tuesday, February 22, 2010
Well I got a job today. That should be good news, and I didn't post it on the check-ins cause I thought you guys would think me crazy for being depressed. I think after looking for more than a year, it's kind of a black whole relaxation, if that makes any sense?
This is the good stuff: job searching is over!!! It's 20 minutes away from my home and my boss lives down the street and will drive me to and from work when he can. It's in a great & gorgeous location, where I can get groceries, pharmacy things, much easier than I can at my house. Has lots to explore. It's also maybe a 3 person office and that suits me perfectly and the job is very easy which also works well for my stress level.
The bad stuff: pays $10 an hour and it's full time. How do I pay for the $2,000 IRS bill, we owe my mom-in-law a couple of hundred and my girl's allergy testing is $300, not including the supplements that I will need. I am thinking of making a really hard call to them if they can spread it out over 3 weeks. It's a plumbing company and I will be answering the phone and following a on-line script. Fine, my fear is that there won't be a real computer in front of me, so I won't be able to email, chat here, do the web, etc. I won't know that until tomorrow. I also hope that it's off the books, but I think it will be on, which really is more honest & better, and I hope I can get paid every week, instead twice monthly, because I'll need that $ coming in. How will I do my doggie business? Also, Very grateful that my search is over. I also want to binge, which is weird, but probably not. The person I'm working for is heavy and the thought came to my mind that I won't be able to help him to OA and then I went shopping in a great specialty store and actually thought of buying WW ice cream and cakes, like I can have those, it's okay, they are low in points. Also not sure if I will get paid for not working on holidays? I should.
Yesterday was my first cleaning job and she wants me 3 times a week. I dread calling her to ask if I can work after work. I don't think she'll go for it, because her kids are home. I need that money and she's nice to work for and needs my help.
Tonight is an open mike that I've been looking forward to attending for weeks, but of course, it's nasty and raining and I got a job and just want to stay home.
I guess more will be revealed and HP is still my employer even though this doesn't look like it's going to meet our financial needs.
Take good care.
♥"Together we could do, what we could not do alone.♥
Congrats on the job *hugs*
Congrats on the job *hugs* and believe me, nobody here thinks you are crazy... :) I hope it all works out.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Gratefully sent out 3 "forgive me emails." Tomorrow I will visit one of my past employers that I need to apologize to. Tomorrow will also be my first cleaning job - UGH!! This person hurt herself, so I know she needs help and it is very close to where I live. I'm hoping to be of good service but not have to kill myself cleaning.
I have piles to get to tonight & insurance stuff to fill out for my husband to submit tomorrow.
My husband did our taxes and we owe $2,000. How can this be? I have to call my 401k person and see about cashing it out. TRIPLE UGH.
The worst UGH of all is going back to the job I just quit and getting abused...getting my stuff...giving them almost all of my savings.....and moving on...I'm not looking forward to being away from home...my safe haven..with my best dog friend. It's funny, I'm cleaning up things from all jobs, past hurts, etc, but I don't think I owe these people in my current job an apology, except for quitting on them. I've been apologizing there every day for one thing or another for 2 years. I know I owe them amends but I am too steeped right now in what they did to me. Hopefully it will not take me 4 years to see my part this time.
Feel good about cleaning things up, but have to remember it's not because of my "good nature & qualities" that I'm doing it. If it were, I wouldn't need to do it.
Need G_d's help and reassurance that my girl will recover from this cough and mucous she's had for a year in March. She's tired and I can't stand seeing her suffer. Just spent $200 for this homeopathic "stuff" to help her, so far don't see any real improvement, have another week or so to go. Now, I need another $200 to get her allergy test results. For some reason at the moment, I believe HP will provide help with the tax $ and everything else. HOPE I'M NOT DELUSIONAL!!
HUGS AND GRATITUDE,
HOPE
♥"Together we could do, what we could not do alone.♥
good luck on the job hope!
You can def check in from a blackberry - if it's allowed, I know some restaurants don't like you to keep cell phones around.
Every time you get up and get back in the race, one more little piece of you starts to fall into place - (from "Stand" by Rascal Flatts)
Thanks ((Jo)) for the info, I'll ask (eventually) if I get it
♥"Together we could do, what we could not do alone.♥
@hope
"Thankful to have a place to come, where I'm accepted, understood and not alone anymore."
Amen!
Every time you get up and get back in the race, one more little piece of you starts to fall into place - (from "Stand" by Rascal Flatts)
Amen
♥"Together we could do, what we could not do alone.♥