to do before 3 pm meeting tomorrow:
- examine FA logs for intermittent error (and diagnose if it occurred)
- improve logging of cmove failure
- bb issue fixed/tested
- dcm an. -> impl send integrated w/ PtW
- dcm an. -> work on import of images
- dcm an. -> test aliases
- run customer update
- test customer update
- practice piano
- supermarket trip
- tidy office
- review bug items
- read 10 pp. work-related material
Things to do today:
1. arrangements for boyfriend's birthday party: transport; update reservation; gift ideas and order online; party favors (?); get liam to do songs on ipod; drinks/snacks for pre-party.
2. continuing education classes (do 3 at least today); fix on line access
3. coach son's soccer game at 1 p.m. get to field by 12:45 p.m. set up and do line-up and game card.
4. conference call with gina at 5 p.m.
5. laundry - 1 load; get clothes ready for tomorrow.
Don't normally check in on wekkend days but today has been a washout & I need to get moving
Am having a bad end of week/weekend falling into childhood pains & issues.
Had a hard "chatbox" experience. I know I am overly sensitive, I also get paranoid that I feel others are talking behind my back and saying bad things about me. This goes back to young years, which I seem to get stuck in a lot in my life today. The chatbox helps me so much, but I fear going on it, with all these young and tender issues plaguing me in my life today on all levels. (If anyone can relate or give experience, strength & hope, it would be appreciated).
Very hard to leave my cacoon on the weekends, go outside and voluntarily see people, especially because it's so cold outside too.
Of course, I want to "be gentle" with myself in the guise of not doing anything, but be on the computer, listen to music & read. What I need to do is:
-go food shopping
Not so hard, but I already know my self pity has taken over. Right now I can't go anywhere anyway, I am waiting for a delivery until 2:00PM, so at least I have a valid reason for being home.
Will try and work myself up to washing the dishes.
♥"Together we could do, what we could not do alone.♥
Boy, I could relate, especially when I first was in reocvery because that was how my family was (still is).
As the years passed, I now can agree with what Dr, Phil once said:
"My father used to say, you would worry less about what people think if you knew how little they did." - Dr. Phil McGraw
I was so secretive in the past, I did not want to let anyone know anything about me, now I don't care, because they probably won;t remember anyway. I think is is all part of the avoidance/isolation. It is good you can recognize it.
Your friend, Vic
I can definitely relate to the paranoia that other people are saying bad things about you or don't like you. I habitually assume that if I see an unhappy/angry expression on someone's face, it's because of me, and if I hear two people grumbling in a corner, it's about me. And if someone doesn't immediately reply to a text/email they're hoping I'll get the hint and leave them alone! Low self-esteem puts the worst possible spin on everything, and we often don't even realise we're spinning it.
However :) if I manage to tell these people about my paranoia, they almost always react with genuine surprise and shock that I could even *think* those things. Yes, one time in 10 (if that) someone is actually upset at me, but the rest of the time? Nothing bad about me had even crossed their minds. Even when I think I've committed some glaringly, screamingly huge fault that they must be appalled about!
*massive hugs* It would be a shame not to see you in the chatbox any more and I hope you can get through this and feel okay with it again. I know it's hard and I know that realising it's paranoia doesn't make it go away. But it can help to remember that everyone here is fragile in some way otherwise we wouldn't be here. I have a RL friend with low self-esteem and we've got to the point where we can both laugh when one of us starts making frantic apologies for some imaginary crime the other one hadn't noticed... sometimes both of us at the same time :)
Blessings to you, I feel held up by your kind words and complete understanding.
The recovery is beihg able to say it, especially in the place where it happened. This is a very scary & dangerous thing for me to do....and I'm doing it.
Thanks Lucky more than words can say.
Hope, thank you so much, and well done for facing your fear *hugs* I'm really glad to help.
Procrastinators Anonymous weekly 12-Step meeting in "meetings chatbox".
This meeting follows a 12-Step Meeting format.
Meeting is held:
(Meeting is Sunday 7:30 PM GMT -
STANDARD time year round.
Click on links in RED below -- to give exact time in your time zone)
> Click here (in this red type) to find your timezone equivalent for today's meeting.
> Click here (in this red type) to find your timezone equivalent for next week's meeting.
It works when we "work it". Let's do whatever it takes to find recovery. All are welcome.
No obligation to attend. No need to "report in". No attendance taken.
Come when you feel called to come!
All are welcome!
Meeting follows traditional anonymous 12-step format.
"Meetings Chatbox" can be found after fully entering regular check-in chatbox ... and then clicking on the "meetings" tab at the top of the chatbox.
If you have trouble entering Meeting Chatbox, or if you can see us there but are unable to communicate with us, see this post:
Unwell today a very sore throat and feeling rough after falling over yesaterday so stayed in bed late and did not go to church
Up and dressed
Did finances for this last month (assets and liabilities and spending record)
Went out for some basic food shopping
Made shopping list so I might be more efficient
Rest and listen to play on radio
List todo for week and month
List needs and wants
PM on another site
Phone friend again
Cook supper and wash up
Possible think about finance and developments in legal/business i.e. what to do next - actually my problem is I can't stop thinking about this.
Good Night Everyone
OK, I have a lot of work today (this seems to be a theme!)
Things that need to get done today:
*Go to church
*Imaging expt+make slides from this
*Lab mtg write-up
*Go to brother's Shakespeare play
*Make slide on GO/GSEA
*Make slide on comparison to cyp26b1 data
*Preprocess new data
OK, need to leave for church in about 30 min. I'll spend the 30 min before church working on my lab mtg write-up. After church, I'll quickly extract DNA+RNA, then I'll do imaging expt+make slides.
Update 12:50--made decent progress on lab mtg write-up, went to church, had lunch, now I need to extract RNA, back when that's done (hopefully will be able to get done in 30 min or less)
OK, I've gone to church, the imaging expt is running, I've extracted RNA, and I've made progress on the lab mtg write-up.
The imaging expt. needs to run for about 20 min (without my input). In this time, I'll extract DNA.
OK, finished imaging expt (still haven't worked out all the technical bugs, but I've made very good progress)
Now, I'm feeling seriously fried. I still have a lot of work to do, but I think I'll go get an early dinner (take about 30 min) and then come back to do some more work.
OK, got dnner, now I am seriously stalled out, and I still have a LOT of work left to do.
Um, so I'm going to work on smallish tasks until 7:40, then I'll go to my brother's show, then I'll try to finish up the lab mtg write-up
OK, so small tasks are:
*Update lab nb
*Put buffer on DNA
*Add 1 set of images to slide
*Add 1nd set of images to slide
Just had a massive panic at the housemate, now have no idea if she's not speaking to me because she's angry, or not speaking to me because everything she says makes me panic. I strongly suspect the latter.
I have to stop this RIGHT NOW. The problem here is that I have an urgent, emergency, red-screaming-siren need to calm down! Or at least I see it like that, and seeing it like that makes it really difficult to calm down!
It's impossible for her to live with me like this and I'm terrified I'm going to lose her as a friend. Rationally, I know it would take a lot to drive her off, but if anything does it'll be my panic. The problem is that the panic is ABOUT being terrified I'm going to lose her. So it's basically like the book of ghost stories I picked up once which said something like 'Ghosts are attracted to fear, so make sure you don't get scared while reading these stories, or the ghosts will get you!'
GAAH GAAH GAAH. What I really want is to have a big conversation with her right now and thrash this out, involving me crying and talking about my childhood, but in the absence of that I'm just going to have to get down and pray about it. I have no idea if I'm in the doghouse or if she's just leaving me alone out of kindness until I calm down. Arg arg.
Panic sucks, hope you feel better soon!
And I really admire you--even when you're panicked you seem to have a good sense of perspective and humor about your situation--that's hard to do!
Hope your prayertime helps, thinking of you.
That sounds scary, Lucky! Prayer sounds like a good idea. . . might help your mind & body calm down a bit.
Keep breathing! Best of luck,
Thanks guys - prayer time helped loads, especially the rather obvious revelation that my HP is *never* going to abandon me, so I don't need to be quite so tied-in-knots about other people doing so. Reading back over what I wrote, I can really see how much of it was panic talking!
Thanks so much to both of you for being about and sending hugs. It's lovely to know I can get understanding here. *hugs back*
Show up (done)
Love the starter. Can't even think/write about all my "stuff" today. All I can do is stay on the path of hope.
Well I "intended" to stay on path of hope and I did. Part of my problem is my over reaction to things.Then I over react to my overreaction . It is good to "get it out" . Also, the perfectionism, I could spend 2 more weeks making my report more perfect, but for what I did, I probably went overboard already. I do see a slight improvement since the last report, baby steps. Thanks for being here.
Still feeling procrastination-prone and wasted time this morning despite some success yesterday. I want to try to break my pattern of having a week or two of staying on top of things and using PA every day, followed by disappearing for a week or two procrastinating. I'm thinking I need to:
Work out a simplified daily/weekly to-do list (this is hard because I feel as if every item on it is vital even though I know the sky doesn't fall when it doesn't get done!)
Restrict internet use to 1hr/day (except PA)
Try to make time daily/weekly for *deliberate, allowed* rest and play. This is hard because I feel I ought to be working all the time, or at least trying to work all the time. And yet one of the things I really want for the world is for everyone, regardless of age, to be able to play and experience wonder. And I'm completely failing to start with myself.
Back later with a tasklist...
(Later) Tasklist, including things I did before I got around to making it:
Clean George Foreman Grill
Prayer/bible reading time
Do some of creative writing book
To E's for mini-Quaker meeting
Take down Christmas decs (!) Can't do today
Check/fill bird feeder
Clear kitchen after dinner
Wash face/brush teeth - floss - clean contacts properly
BED straight after check in (well, off to watch Desperate Housewives in housemate's room and then straight to bed!)
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