Procrastinators Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from chronic procrastination.
Tuesday November 24, 2009
"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."
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CL daily overcoming (wed)
no time to make day starter
725 10min ci - 728 :)
735 10min emerg email only / ck mtgs - 729 :)
745 30min quiet time - 8:30 late, but :)
815 15min rdy - SKIP
825 10min dailies :)
835 str - SKIP
905 10min work plan :)
915 work hard. :)
1pm np mtg - SKIP
the touch of the master's hand: http://procrastinators-anonymous.org/node/1898#comment-27748
"fall down seven times, get up eight" - japanese proverb
fudoshin: solutions : 4:14pm
Please do not leave advice. Thank you. Prayers welcome.
I think I need to seriously commit from now on to eliminating work for myself. That is, only having as little as possible for me to do. And I need also to make sure that I have fun on a regularly scheduled basis, regardless of where I'm at with my work. I need to have an appointment for FUN once a week or once a day, whatever it is. It's got to be there, and I cannot be depriving myself for not being the person I wish I were. I have to act as if I were that person and that means being gentle with myself, being forgiving and also being incredibly, incredibly nice to myself, because that is what I lack from my family and my acquaintances. If I want friends, I have to be a friend. As I've prayed to my Higher Power: I pray that you help me know that I am deserving of someone who is both available and attractive to me, even if that person is myself, b/c I certainly would love to see the day when I'm both available and attractive to myself.
fudoshin: on this addiction: 4:02pm
Please do not leave advice. Thank you. Prayers welcome.
I hate this addiction. It's like my reason for having other addictions.
I mean, this addiction is it. My procrastination is what makes me late. My procrastination is why I act out sexually or act in sexually. My procrastination is why I am a love addict. My procrastination is the source of everything. It makes me feel suicidal. But it's not all about NOT doing something, it's definitely not about that.
It's about not showing up for myself, not having faith in myself and my own abilities...it's about panicking. I get so worked up about a paper that I cannot even begin working on it, yet I can do a million other tasks that are more incremental. And I'm not even a bad writer, as anyone who's read me could probably attest, I'm probably skilled nough to construct a few sentences. Yet this is not about knowledge--
I am praying to release myself from self-shame and a feeling that i don't deserve something. It's nuts. This feeling, this condensation of self-pity used to service me, but it doesn't. I want to be desired for my body, and my desire to be desired has metasticized into something else as a result of this addiction. I feel somewhere between wanting to act out my sex addiction in an online orgy room, wanting to masturbate, commit suicide, watch a love-addict fantasy movie, wanting to get drunk, wanting to take twelve aspirin so that i don't have to feel anything, or go on a walk or a run so I can get rid of all these intens e sexualized fantasies and just the garden variety tasks that I haven't followed through on. I am disingenuous to myself above everyone else. This is not about my behavior with others, this is about my behavior with me and it's very hard for me to talk about this.
I'm like, not even procrastinating in the garden variety sense. At this point, I completely dissociate myself from my world, either through my addictions or through my dissociation and my agorophobia. I literally do not show up for myself some days, but staying home and fucking myself over. I mean, I don't even think about it; I don't even got through a decision making process in my "procrastination," anymore. I simply operate through a cloud of nebulous self-ignorance as a means of dissociating, just so that I can function. And believe me, I know why I have this addiction. I know why I do this...I cannot contend with REALITY. I cannot contend with the present. I cannot be present. I keep living my life as if I were divorced from reality. My addictions are all a form of checking out on a daily basis and I bloody know this, but i cannot stop. It's so hard. It's so bloody hard.
Today I did the most I could just to sit in a restaurant by myself without wantitng to throw up, start crying or run for my life. I did the most I could to show up on time for class and sit there and attempt ot be present. And I felt like I was shifting in and out of consciousness. I am scared of what will happen to me, and I need help. I need more help than I am getting.
prosick 3:22 pm check in
To-Do list for today:
1) Read email
2) Write email to W.
3) Enter submission to C.
4) Straighten up work area
5) Edit & output AB
6) Catch up on bills
7) Edit & post night px
prosick 3:11 am check out
Ugh. So I feel like I did try to keep some focus on my to-do list today, but I ran into so many issues it really held me back. Especially since I end up spending too much time trying to 'research' what the solution is...
Read emaildone mostly
Write email to W.done
Enter submission to C.done
4) Straighten up work area not done :-(
5) Edit & output AB horrible horrible issues. didn't work. this is where I lost most of my time since I ended up surfing for the answers and it's always hard for me to stay on task while surfing.
6) Catch up on bills not done :-(
Edit & post night pxdone
Yesterday represented a huge setback in my procrastination... I am unable to tell if I did anything at all at work... and it's not like I didn't had important or urgent stuff to do... I just was unable to force myself into it. I didn't even was able to properly check in.
I'll try to do better now, but so far I haven't. And I feel so tired as my child woke up at 2 am and wouldnt sleep until 3:30...
Anyway, I think the best I can do is rely on HP so I'll take a quick break to pray and center in todays tasks!
Thank you all for being here!
In program they say, "When all else fails, lower your expectations"
"I didn't even was able to properly check in."- whatever a 'Proper' check is" to you 'showed up' and believe it or not- that counts.!
Thank you vic... I think I see your point. Still feel a bit dissapointed at myself for not completing my tasks but at least I do recognize now the merit of showing up.
and I wonder now if I was unable to do anything because I dind't commit to posting it here... hmm, it's easy to post things and commit to them when you are feeling high... I think it's double important to post when you are feeling low... or maybe post the whole week tasks just like hope-faith does.
I had found the smilies incredibly fun but not something I migth try for myself. Still not into the smilies, but I think I see the importance of posting a full week of commitments... migth allow myself to see the big picture and also help for when I don't feel good enough to post the days tasks...
I think I'll give it a try.
We all feel disappointed in ourselves, that is why we are here. I am on the verge of self destruct, not approprite for this site to share, but that thin string of connection is all that keeps me from jumping off the cliff.
From what I read: 1.we have an 80% higher probability of doing something if we write it down.2. From Steven Covey(a planner guru): write the weeky plan first, then daily.3. Must build on success, no matter how small.
I like the smilies, but it reminds me of when I substitute taught, and the kids that needed to be monitored got them and it did a number on their self esteem, like they were "good" or "bad", I noticed that is how they affect me too.
I think maybe I can write and face some of my issues on another loop, and then I can get past "being a disappointment" as a way to explain the actions of others.
Agnus checking in
Barely in time to say "Good morning!" I had a lovely Step 11 this morning and have felt quite cheerful ever since, thank you HP! All the personal, pet, home and yard care I'd planned are done, and I'm buckling down to work now. The plan:
struggling a bit today
To watch me, you'd think I much prefer housekeeping and yardwork to actually making money. I am making some headway but keep getting sidetracked...I have laundry in progress, 6 open webpages, and 4 projects going at once. This feels too crazy. I am going to finish an email to my niece, then get chopping on that AH project I promised to do today.
Project AH Project RM incl travel bookings (incl house-sitter; J coming with this time-YAY!) 1pm conf call book hotel for J's appt w/specialist
Not a stellar day. But still better by far than when I started here on PA. Thanks to my HP and the fellowship here.
kromer 10: 50 CI
Yesterday wasn't a great day, but today is going better. So far, I've made some progress on review, gone to safety mtg, gotten a flu shot.
Left to do:
*Genotype (almost done w/ this)
Cell cycle club
*Look at RT results (don't think I'll get to this)
*Take picts for lab mtg (this will probably have to postpone this until next week)
*Microburst lab mtg presentation (going to do this now)
Email about flight
Call about lost stuff
*Print hw for flight (going to do this now)
OK, going to work on review for about an hour and try to get it mostly done, then I'll go to cell cycle club.
Show up (done)
good starter for me, since in my meditation for yesterday, I read:
The powers of evil were strained to their utmost to devise means to break Me. They failed, but how they failed was known only to Me. The world, even My own followers, would see a Lost Cause. Reviled, spat upon, scourged, they would deem Me conquered. How could they know My Spirit was free, unbroken, unharmed?
But be of good cheer. You walk with Me. I conquered evil at every point. And in My conquering Power you walk unharmed today.
For this purpose the Son of God was manifested,
that he might destroy the works of the devil. 1 John 3:8
Thanks for sharing this...and to rightmeow also for the starter. A good reminder why I need not fear: I already know how the story ends!
Ag, thanks so much for relating, I was not sure if I should post this. The part that I am having trouble with is, if I know all this, why can't I just "pull myself up by my bootstraps?" I feel guilty "knowing" and still "not where I thnk I shold be by now?"
Maybe it's my pride, maybe I am not being grateful for my "showing up" recovery and all my other recovery, so easy to take for granted all the gifts I have been given. and if I don't stay humble (or at least try to be humble) , I will stop showing up, and start over and etc., etc.,.
Hope-Faith CI 6:00
Rightmeow thanks so much for getting the thread started this am or pm wherever you are at.
Yesterday was kind of a bust I did get the bare min. done but not much else. Today has to be a better day. So here is my list. Read, Set here I go, not choice but to move on.
DNA Did not attempt
Attempted but did not complete
Take Pics of house
This is a big list but I have 3 days off from school so I will accomplish alot. I do give myself amensty from the task that I do not accomplish.
Rexroth Tuesday Todo
Done: up bath etc and out of one load of food shopping
Todo: more shopping and post letters from yesterday. I've just walked past the post office
Tidy sort and check things
So I've now done three lots of food shopping and almost have everything I think I need.
Also I've got cash out of the bank, meds from the pharmacy, and at long last posted the insurance letters.
Put everything away in an organised way.
Clean and tidy up and wash up.
List anything else I imagine I might need.
Email and phone people.
All goes well and I'm so glad to be back here.
On up the mountain
Done and I can play on the web and go to bed in a while.
CI rightmeow Tues
I just started the daily check in thread for Tuesday since it is one of my early days. The time stamp says the day (Tues) was started tonight (Mon night) at 11:23 pm. Lets hope it works out better this time lol.
Go to Property class (Essay workshop 12 - 1pm)
3. Grocery shopping
4. Candle supplies - H.C. & M.P. scent oil
5. Pick D up from airport (6:45) - YAY!!! :)
859-861; 889-893; 897-906; 910-918; 926-931; 941-942; 952-953; CS 150-185; MCLA 780.951 (2 pgs) [= 73 pgs ]
Comm v Emmons; Ppl v Ceballos; Tenn. v Garner; Ppl v LaVoie; Ppl v Goetz; Brown v United States; State v Davis; State v Stewart (8 cases)
1. Go to Crim: 1-2pm review session; 2-5pm holiday makeup class
1. Read: 737-755; 25-28; 755-762 FRCP 100-104; 119; 124; 682; 696 (40)
2. Brief: Plant; Mosely; Larsen; Price (4)
Fri - Thanksgiving
1. Make roast
2. Bake pies
3. B. Casserole
1. Go to Civ Pro holiday makeup class: 2-5pm
"Loving your enemy is manifest in putting your arms not around the man but around the social situation, to take power from those who misuse it--at which point they can become human too."