Hello you all, I'm glad to find this site
First of all, excuse me for my English, as it is not my mother language.
I've been thinking for years what happens to me, why I don't face my responsibilities, mainly in the working area. I was unemployed for some time, and I was happy and worried at the same time. Happy for having the time to do all I wanted (beach, walking, reading, dogs, swimming)) and worried because I had to compete with other people to find a job and I never felt like starting with it and convincing anybody of my personal value.
Now I am a teacher, but I'm afraid I'm not a very good one, because I don't enjoy it, because I think I'm not a very good one, and I don't enjoy it and... (I realize this right now). Apart from that, once a year, I have to compete with other teachers to get a fix post in competitive exams, and I have to start studying but I never do it, I always have something more interesting to do (like now, that I found this site).
As I said, I'm a teacher, without a fix post, that means I work where there is a teacher needed. And everyday I'm scared when I look in the education web pages thinking that I have to start working the next day in a substitution, cause my happy days doing nothing "responsible" would therefore end.
I have always thought this has a funny point, as I see myself as an intelligent and competent person on the surface, and I think if I studied I would have no problem, but I'm afraid that deeper inside if I failed, I would found out that I'm not that competent as I thought, and maybe "being intelligent" is all I have in my life.
Now I think I may need professional help. I have started paying a big amount to examinations trainers, but if I don't contribute with my effort, they will not be able operate the miracle.
Now I'm going to take my books and read a little. I promised myself I would do it this morning, and now its 6:30 pm. The day is getting darker, and this makes me feel even worse, cause it means the day is gone, and that makes me feel anxious. I really started editing this letter and now I "have" to walk my dogs.
:-) I wish you understand what I tried to explain