Sunday 9 August 2009
The desire for avoidance
We shall face
the present and the future
with steadfast hope.
-- from ideas by "e" and "Agnus" for P.A. Promises <link>
Has a very long day...6-4:00 organizing/running church picnic. I think I did an OK job (though got some complaints, of course...)
Got home and had a pretty upsetting conversation with a friend. Also had some sad news from my family.
I zoned out for a while after that (watched a movie). I think that was OK...I was tired and had worked hard. That said, I don't want to let myself fall into a vortex of unproductivity :) So, I'll set myself a series of small task for the next 30 min, then go to bed (b/c I have been up since 6):
*Put away laundry
*download JASPAR database
*Microburst making schedule for next week
I'll work through this in the chatbox
Please do not leave advice. Thank you. Prayers welcome.
I am avoiding the following until next Tuesday night at 11:10pm with new conditions following:
I can use Facebook, once every other day for twenty minutes.
I can use Youtube and Ustream once a week, during the course of one day, or one 24-hour period. By the way I have been successfully "sober" in the sense that I have followed my promises here for fifty days.
"I have followed my promises here for fifty days". That's pretty awesome, my friend.
"The elevator to success is out of order. You'll have to take the stairs . . . one step at a time." - Joe Girard
I love today's saying. Grateful for this loop to come to. The work week was productive because of this group. I've never been able to 100% get caught up at work (been there a year & a half). Hoping I can, we'll see.
I should go to a volunteer job today, but I don't want to. I feel like vegging and I feel I deserve to veg, of course.
Things I want to get done today:
-put in money spent in my chart
-mail out get well cards that I've been holding on to for 4 weeks
-continue looking on craigslist for p.t. job - YAY
-called for a new apartment that looked good - YAY
Things (personal) I want to get done in the coming week:
-go into work tomorrow - don't call in sick
-call my Aunt every day or every other day to show her I care
-after work - go to restaurant row in my neighborhood and ask for part time waitressing position. Will bookend with my sponsor before going in and after (getting rejected) - most likely.
-get husband new pants
-visit sick neighbor at hospital Monday night
Things that I did that I'm happy & grateful about:
-visited sick neighbor in hospital Saturday
-helped a fellow suffer at a meeting
I did not want to check in. Our trip was canceld. After staying up all nite, doing all the airline docs on line, getting to Phila airport sat 4am, my 14&16 yr old boys passports were not in order and although we had other docs, they would not approve them, even though they were approved on line.The passport office does not open til mon and if we left tues we woudl have to come back sat., etc. etc.
yesterday, I was numb.We pd to get exchange date tickets. The time share resort said they would work things out. My boys were not upset, thank god for these wonderful boys. My husband is miserable- I don't blame him.
I want to hide, I feel so pathetic, even though it was not my fault. Today I have several choices:
1. Pick myself up and accept #### happens. I am sure I am not the first person this happened to. 2. Stay in bed (where I am now) and stay depressed and sleep all day and hate myself and feel punished for stepping out of my comfort zone. 3. Be angry at my husband- it was his idea to go there, we could have gone somewhere safe and drivable 4.Trust that my HP will work this out and just do the next right thing and be grateful that we could patch things up if I do something 5. Pack it all in and give up, just believe I am hopeless, why bother trying to be normal.
I guess by showing up here, even though I am overwhelmed with shame, and hopelessnes, I must have some hope of recovery.. I am grateful I have at least one safe place to tell my trama of attempting to have a life. Now, Get out of bed, clean bedroom, pray for strength to call and try to reschedule plans.
I admire you so much for checking in here despite how you feel.
vic, (((Sending hugs)))
Thank you, gals & guys, for being here! :)
Sorry about all the problems with your trip! Will they be able to fix the passports up on Monday, I hope so. sounds like you shouldn't be blaming yourself for this, but instead be angry at the governmental bureaucracy. Make the best of it and go have a great trip!
my most humble thanks for your graciuos replies.I am sincelerely grateful for the kindnessess and profound understanding I have received here.
The desire for avoidance shall disappear.
In my other 12 step programs the miracle of the desire for binging, purging, drinking has disappeared. But avoidance? In the other programs, I could never do cold turkey, I did stepping stones, and substitution and many years of hard work on steps, etc.
Today, Istarted to function, cleaning, etc. Looks like trip will have to be rescheduled if possible, My husband does not want to leave Tues and come back Sat. It is very painful and difficult not to accept his anger, disappointment, and blame and silence. Thank God for my boys. They are 100% supportive, yet I still feel like a hopeless loser, shame and guilt for what happened and how he is taking it.Thank God the boys' friend slept over and they are having a great time together- kids are so resilient and good to have and be with, I hope they never change.
I am avoiding calling to time share to find out what my options are. I need to call some program friends to do it. So I hope to go to the store and call a program friend to talk up the courage with.
If I did not have this place, and people here, I would have shut down, got caught up in fighting with my husband or someone, picked up some addiction, or who knows. One thing for sure, no hope for the grace of god to come in or any chance or his recovery.thank you.
Hi Pro Buddies!
I have been looking at my budget this week, and it has made me want to fix the food for my lunches at work this week ;) So far I've gotten 7 portions ready to put in the refrigerator & freezer, and now I'm in the process for fixing some snack portions. I've been uncharaceristically industrious in fixing things -- I must be feeling motivated ;) I'm going to finish up a couple things, then rest. I need to run the dishwasher, too, but will do that in a while.
Today I sorted items and took some trash to the dumpster.
I have some other things to do, but first I am going to take something out of the oven, and rest! ;)
People who have to clean up their hobby room. OK, I have just found out a lot of great new stuff is coming out for my hobby. While I am thrilled, I am also realizing that I need to Get With The Program about my hobby room. Seriously, I have to clean it up before I can even consider *buying* anything new to put in there. Not to mention, why I am even considering buying anything, with my new Budget Awareness. OK, I think Making a Wish List is what I need to be doing. I can simultaneously think about the Wish List while working on the hobby room. Um, I think it's time to email my virtual sponsor in my other program ;)
6pm. OK, I have emailed my sort-of sponsor in one of my other programs. I have made my Wish List and will try to consider it in Priority Order and in accordance with my spending plan. I have emailed another friend, too. I have taken one more bag of trash to the dumpster.
Next I need to put a load of clothes in the dryer. I also need to cook some vegetables. We'll see if I get to update my CI later -- I've still been drifting a bit this afternoon, lol! ;)
Have a great afternoon, everyone! :)
Yesterday's dinner was a success but required much last minute running around like the proverbial chicken with head cut off. Was ok, but spent too much time goofing off in the afternoon when I could have been pre-preparing dinner, making the dessert, etc.
Anyway, today is relaxing sunday, no dinner guests! But I want to bathe the dogs and get a bunch of laundry and stuff done.
First, wash last night's dinner dishes which are still in the sink.
UPDATE 2 pm: dishes are washed, second load of laundry in the wash, laid in the sun for 45 minutes, now I'm going to give those big nasty dogs a bath. Laters.
Hi pro buddies,
Haven't been here in a while. . . hope everyone is well, & enjoying a productive summer (or winter, for those in the southern hemisphere!)
To do today:
Yikes, I got way behind. . . fell asleep, couldn't get myself moving again, sat and read for too long.
Now I'm in triage mode. . . I only have a couple of hours; going to see how much of the most critical stuff I can get done.
Procrastinators Anonymous weekly 12-Step meeting in "meetings chatbox".
This meeting follows a 12-Step Meeting format.
Meeting is held:
(Meeting is Sunday 7:30 PM GMT -
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Sunday 3:30 PM, USA Eastern DAYLIGHT Time
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It works when we "work it". Let's do whatever it takes to find recovery. All are welcome.
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Come when you feel called to come!
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