Procrastinators Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from chronic procrastination.
Sunday July 12, 2009
"The only real freedom a human being can ever know is doing what you ought to do because you want to do it.'' --Wynn C.L., Alcoholics Anonymous
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movingalong -- internet down!
Hello all!
My internet has been down most of the weekend. Hopefully, it will be fixed on Monday.
Although I was unable to attend today's 12-step meeting in the chatbox, I joined you in spirit.
I'm at an internet cafe at the moment, doing a quick check-in. I've got only a few minutes.
I've had a very good week and completed a project I'd been procrastinating on. I kept thinking of all the wisdom I'd learned here, and that got me through it.
Hugs to all!
-- movingalong
kromer 7 CI
Have been gone visiting family this weekend.
Now I feel like I have an overwhelming amount of stuff to get done tonight.
I'd like to:
*Unpack, do ironing
*Clean/oil bike
*Grocery shopping and cooking
*Make plans for trip in two weeks
*Call AG
*Make schedule for next week
*Finish code for pathway retrieval
*Budgeting
Clearly, that is not all realistic, so I'll set some priorities:
*Basic unpacking needs to get done today, so I'll do that first. Scheduling can wait though
*It's important for my health and energy to eat well, so shopping and cooking need to get done. I'll do that second
*I want to stay on top of my schedule and finances, so I'll do scheduling and budgeting third.
If I get through all that, then I'll check back in and figure out what makes sense to do next.
mamajama sunday checkin
houseworkfix s's lightweedwhackmow
tabouli
make 1 phone call
write to sc
Recycler CI 3:15pm EST
Hi Pro Buddies!
I'm back in from my trip; I've glanced through my emails to make sure no emergencies, and I'm doing a quick CI before spending a little more time on the emails. While I only have a moderate amount of laundry from the trip, I've started one load to wash. I'm going to finish unpacking my suitcase, then check on my other Internet groups and see what's going on. I'm going to start progressing on a few things while I have a little momentum going from walking in the door.
5:25pm. I kept going until about 5pm, then lay down for a while. I finished & put away the 2 loads of laundry. I've fixed a couple of things to eat. I took everything out of my suitcase. I've looked at several of my Internet groups, and need to do one more next.
7:30pm. I've been on all my Internet groups now. I talked with my dad on the phone. I've put my gym bag by the door for in the morning. I want to fix a bag of things to go to work, and I need to run the dishwasher. OK, maybe I better putter around for a while & see if I can finish up those last couple of things.
Have a great afternoon! :)
Recycler
Recycler
Thank you, gals & guys, for being here! :)
Task Update
JKL
Completed planting and folding laundry. Big victory! Rest of the afternoon
prepare dinner,spend time planning for meeting tomorrow,menu planning for week, relax
spend time on goals and proirities for upcoming week...slight miricle for this procrastinator.
Check in around 4pm
JKL
Falcon CI Sun.
Hi pro buddies,
I'm experiencing a really stupid depression. The kind where I just want to say, "come ON, self, stop being depressed already!" My life is great, my health is good again, there's nothing wrong, and it's even an incredibly beautiful day outside.
It seems really wasteful not to be appreciative, joyous and engaged in life, and here I am just wanting to curl up in a ball and mope. Just snap out of it, already!
To do next:
Falcon
Ditto for Vic ck in
I feel the same way.
I did go to church and my son came with me where we met up with his friend who cmae out of the hospital.
I was able to talk to my son a bit without him getting angry- he is a teenager and just shuts out whatever I say and we waste so much time for nothing, but it was progress.
I did order another cell phone on line.
I guess I did more than I thught now that I am writing, but I do want to curl up and it is finally beautiful outside, why not enjoy it?
I need to go for my walk that is my meditation time and I am sure it will help.
My depression medication does make me tired (it's not supposed to, I tried them all and they all do) it is the trade off for now for my emotional health. Every time I stop, it is not a good idea right now, but when I take it, I don't like it. For today, I already took it so I need to accept that. I just feel lazier and slower than usual.
I love today's slogan. It is so hard to think I will every want to not procratinate and yet that is how I am wired, I don't do things unless I want to. But years ago, the last thing I ever would have believed was that I would want to eat healthy. For me to not "want" the junk is incredible. I can't even understand why anyone would want it (my husband and kids). That is a miracle and gift.
I guess it is possible for this program, but it sure sdoes not seem very likely, but I felt the same about the food. I need to stop limiting my HP.
Thanks
Thanks vic
That's encouraging to hear how much you were able to change your eating habits, and even your eating preferences!
I sympathize about the fatigue-inducing meds. I tried lexapro one year for winter depression, and by the time spring came I was really draggy & sleeping all the time. It was nice not to be depressed, but I was hardly any more active than if I had been depressed!
Falcon
Falcon CI post-meditating
Well, that helped. Meditating gave me a moment of seeing the world in color again and reminded me that it's possible to feel present & alive. I've worked through many depressions in the past; I will find a way out of this one.
Next up:
Falcon
12:25 update:
Well, that wasn't so bad. Next, I'm going to look something up for a friend, eat some lunch, and check back in here by 1:10.
1:20 update:
O.k., 10 minutes late (had trouble pulling my nose out of the book I was reading.) Next: do a little more meditating and then another hour of housework.
2:50 update:
Got some cleaning done! Now it's time for a 10 minute break and then. . . horror of horrors!. . . some paperwork! (Run away! Run away!)
Falcon CI Sun. eve.
Yikes, I totally didn't do what I planned. . . I sat and read for a while, couldn't get myself moving, and finally took a nap.
Here's what I think I'm going to do the rest of the evening:
Falcon
Update Sun. night: O.k., I did pretty much everything except the financial paperwork, and that can wait. Next thing to do is answer an email from M., check the weather, and then turn off the computer so I don't surf all night.
Good night, everyone!
Weekly 12-Step P.A. meeting in "meetings chatbox"
Procrastinators Anonymous weekly 12-Step meeting in "meetings chatbox".
This meeting follows a 12-Step Meeting format.
Meeting is held:
(Meeting is Sunday 7:30 PM GMT -
STANDARD time year round.
Click on links in RED below -- to give exact time in your time zone)
> Click here (in this red type) to find your timezone equivalent for today's meeting.
> Click here (in this red type) to find your timezone equivalent for next week's meeting.
Sunday 3:30 PM, USA Eastern DAYLIGHT Time
Sunday 8:30 PM, British DAYLIGHT Time
Monday 5:30 AM, Sydney Australia STANDARD Time
It works when we "work it". Let's do whatever it takes to find recovery. All are welcome.
No obligation to attend. No need to "report in". No attendance taken.
Come when you feel called to come!
All are welcome!
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fudoshin: 24days (4:12am)
Please do not leave advice. Thank you. Prayers welcome.
Sites I've been avoiding for 24days:
chatting site. MMORPGs count as "chat sites". IRC. The only
exception is 12 step-related chat.
fudo_shin: postpone the slip (4:03pm)
Please do not leave advice. Thank you. Prayers welcome.
Just a little quotation from SLAA that I think will help me in this program too:
'Postpone the slip, reminding yourself you can
have it later but you'll talk to someone first. Our feelings are real, but
often very short-lived. Ask yourself, "will you really get what you
want if you go through with this?" Don't dwell on how exciting it's
going to be, but remind yourself of the misery that inevitably has to follow.'
I've been adopting this mantra when it comes to my acting out endeavors : "I 'll do it later. I can do all of those needless or seemingly necessary tasks later, but right now I'm doing X important task first." That way I don't feel like I'm saying *never* to myself. Also keeping a timer, helps me to feel like I'm not locked in to *forever* as forever is kind of like the same notion of never that I have in other programs. For PA, what I prescribe to do is analogous to what I prescribe not to do in other programs. So if I say, "I'm going to do X for one day, or just for today," that's analogous to saying, "Im going to quit doing Y for just one day." One day at a bloody time, and if I can't take one day, then I can take one hour, and if I can't take one hour, I can take one minute. Just ONE minute is usually enough.
fudoshin: patterns (3:17am)
Please do not leave advice. Thank you. Prayers welcome.
I am trying to recognize some of the patterns of my procrastinatory behaviors. I tend to go through cycles, so I'll try to identify example ones:
I'm trying to sense the pattern. In high school early on I experience success, then overwhelmed myself, then experience procrastination,d epression, anxiety, overcome with guilt, hit a bottom. Things were so bad I felt I need to go to a new school senior year, just to divorce myself psychically from the disasterful experience and be able to get into classes that I could not do at my old school. Also to escape from my qualifier of my love addiction A good move. But it was rebooting of things. Then I experience procrastination again, after mild success, but then hit a bottom was embarrassed beyond belief, overwhelmed myself and binged on work my senior year of high school. Continued to experience some success that summer, somewhat due to normal study habits, but also binging for my math class. Then in fall, I overwhelmed myself thoroughly. Experienced much procrastination due to not being able to tackle the material with enough time or not being prepared, or not having right connections at the time, It was entirely due to the classes I were taking. It was just a bad mix of things. Then ended up leaving the school, b/c someone had made a false report about me and I ended up getting suspended througha bsolutely no fault of my own. It was not academically related; just some people had made up a lie about me, and after the appeal I was suspended, instead of expelled. I went to community college, I again overwhelmed myself out of guilt, but it didn't work too well I was more stressed and worthless feeling than ever. I planned to go to columbia that summer, but was in a serious car accident. I then hit bottom with that. I continued not finishing my work for that semester.
Went on to excel in school. I guess it was a period of "success"as I've noted. I did not do so well the next semester due to overwhelming myself, and also not knowing how to do well int he particular classes, something I could've obviated if I didn't overwhelm myself or place such importance on the impossible. [Hmm. Importance on the impossible.] I prolly had incompletes; I don't keep track of the whens. I continued to do poorly the next semester due to overwhelming myself with running for president while taking various classes in the honors program. I went to harvard that summer and totally acted out in my other addiction, while stuck it out enough to at least pass my classes and get an A- in one of them. So I guess that would be mild success. Then I took about the number of classes I should that fall, but got overwhelmed with doing an extra credit project that forced me to NOT finish my work for the courses that I were in, cuz I spent so much time on the EC. But I still did well, so I guess that's mild success. But as I looked at my grades, particularly the 'D' in bio that semester I thought to myself, "This is all about me. It ain't about my friend or my mother. No one is to blame except me. This is not about anyone else. I am the bad guy in this situation." The next semester I went on to BINGE, participating in two part-time jobs, started taking my acting classes again, along witha ll other college classes, felt fine about it, cuz I was binging, and making up for lost time. I name it an academic success, though, as I was not overwhelmed. Just doing more than I had before, and actually doing it, which is weird. After that I went to berkeley for the summer, and I noticed that I had a tough time with one of my classes, b/c of the professor, I am glad I put myself through it, since the course I took in fall reflected some of that material. I was successful that next fall cuz I did NOT overwhelm myself even though the temptation was great. On the second week of classes I withdrew from three classes that would have put me over my limit. Then I'd say things became questionable during the winter of 2004. I had missed the first day. I still did the work. I overwhelmed myself in spring quarter, and did not do most of the programming assignments in one of my classes, yet still got a great GPA due to binging at the end, and doing an excellent job during a couple units which was all I needed to attain a B in that particular class. I also spent more time in the lab, and did well in other classes; obviously all A's in other classes.
That summer, I felt guilty. So guilty I overwhelmed myself with too many courses, and I procrastinated. I procrastinated before the overwhelming myself happened. It is important to note that if I did nto procrastinate, then I would not have gotten out of synch. Then there was a relationship i had with a guy who was bothering me. It turned into that even though I didn't really want it. I got distracted, cuz I was/am a sex and love addict, and even though nowadays such a thing would not be an issue, it was an issue then. In any case, I continued to be overwhelmed toward end of the summer, but I withdrew from classes pushing back the reception of my degree another quarter. That fall I took classes that I had wanted to take that summer. I did tolerably well, actually I was successful. Then I overwhelmed myself the following quarter, took too many courses in my minor. Then I ended up withdrawng, procrastinated, became suicidal, called suicide line, harassed some former qualifier over email. But again, I was still in my S and L addiction then, which added to the problem.
I couldn't really see things clearly. Then going into my spring quarter I overwhelmed myself with too many courses. I procrastinated, was overwhelmed, ended up withdrawing. THEN, that summer, I re-entered school and I don't remember what happened that summer. All I remember is that petitioned for more time to complete my degree, b/c I could not do the writing course that summer. I blank out on the summer of 2005. I stayed that fall 2005; again I procrastinated, and failed. Then, I petitioned again to stay one more term. That term, I finally finished my degree: hence mild success in winter 2006. I did not finish one of my courses then. Then in spring, failure is what I experienced. I had to stay in summer to finish my degree, b/c I had to take the class over and had yet to write my honors thesis, which I NEVER did. I finally succeeded. Finally experienced success, in that course that I retook, but at the final moment just didn't do a final paper. And I received a passing grade, when I coud have had an A, b/c I was afraid, and didn't know how to choose a topic. I was overwhelmed, and I don't know what exactly happened, b/c I did a lot of work for that class and was alwys on top of things, I just felt like I couldn't write an AMAZING paper. Didn't have the wisdom to just do something. Oh, but I was procrastinating in one other course, which I did end up failing that same summer. But already finished enough for grad school; went to grad school next term. Totally overwhelemd myself there. Got an incomplete and did not do very well, but did job well, then was exited from job cuz of my GPA. I continued one more quarter, but I procrastinated and felt overwhelemd cuz of the incomplete I received. It made me feel...well...incomplete and I procrastinated BIG TIME, b/c of the incomplete and my sex and love addiction, and b/c I felt overwhelmed jumping into classes, without getting to take them in fall: I had to downgrade to them, cuz I had started in grad classes that fall. I overwhelmed myself with my schedule in spring, then I withdrew from grad school. Hit bottom. Took one class along with my acting class, and did extremely well.
So I'm seeing:
success
procrastination
overwhelming myself
failure
hitting bottom
success
overwhelming myself
failure
overwhelming myself
failure
hitting bottom/or jumping ship
success
overwhelming myself
procrastination
failure
hitting bottom
binging/success
Okay, so I need to not overwhelm myself. LOL. Also it would help if I didn't procrastinate at key times, but I don't know how to do that yet, but this was mildly helpful.
fudoshin: check-in 2:23am
Please do not leave advice. Thank you. Prayers welcome.
I am an addict. It seems that this is my core addiction. I have said so for months, yet I'm still acting out--
I can abstain from certain activities, but participating in the pattern of recovery is quite a different thing. And what does it all mean? Well, I guess doing what I say I'm going to do when I say I'm going to do it is sobriety, as several people have said. Yet, total freedom is defined by doing what we ought to do, because we want to do it. I got that from the AA big book story: Freedom from Bondage. I need to think about that one, and consider what it means for me in this addiction.
I also have to note that making choices in a timely manner, whenever I have has helped me, considerably, and a lot of my addiction is involved in NOT making choices, or delaying on making choices that need to be made. Lately I am seeing that despite emotional feelings either way, there is really only one good choice, if I really take the time to be honest with me. But as Susan Jeffers would say, any choice is a good one, because one learns from any choice. At the same time, I benefit, when I make the choice to do what I ought to do-- because it is ultimately what I want to do. And not doing what I want is a form of self-deprivation, albeit an involuntary one. After years of addiction, I have made certain tasks less accessible to me. I have girded myself from my guilt as well as the tools I need, sometimes, in order to get the projects done. And I am sick of it. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, as they say-
I am sick of a lot of things in my life-- primary the avoidant habits that I am responsible for. And I don't even know how to stop this addiction, because it's not a program of recovery that requires abstinence. It's a program of recovery that requires action, making it harder than any other program I've ever done. I worked a first step here before, but I feel like I need to reread it. As the signs say, even if we want to get started we don't know how; well that's how I feel with this addiction and my recovery. I don't know HOW to do it. I don't know how to change myself into a person who surrenders one day at a time, [my] whole life strategy
of, and [my] obsession with, the pursuit of avoidant behaviors that deter [me] from [my] highest good.
I feel like it's too hard. I feel like I will always have this pattern of avoidance. I feel like I'll always be prodding myself with everything, and that even if I get over this one plight in my life then I will go on to fail at other things as well, or I will bottomline again, or bottomline in a new way just to participate in the addiction again. If it's not one thing it's another. As a procrastinator, I can procrastinate with ANYTHING. The only real sobriety is action, but maybe the secret isn't in the action, but in the promises I make. What if I define sobriety in terms of what I promise to do, rather than what I do? I got to start small. Start small, and proceed, even if I don't have the faith, even if I think I'll never make it out of this, because there is NOTHING else left to do. I have no other choice. The pain of continuing is more than the pain of not procrastinating. *That* is where I want to be, that is what I think bottoming out would feel like. But each time I relapse, I reach a new bottom.
I'm frustrated that I keep reaching new bottoms. And I cannot do this alone, because I am a procrastinator, and I do not know where to start, or how to start. I think very seriously I need a sponsor, b/c I am killing myself. This addiction is killing me. I have inadvertently caused near-fatal injury to another person, because of this disease; I'm just lucky that I wasn't the target of my own stress. My HP must have wanted to keep me alive for some reason, and I don't understand it, b/c I am in so much pain; I consider death a vacation. I know I need a sponsor, like you would never know. I don't even know if this program is workable. I don't even know if anyone has got what they consider to be recovery, b/c I would like to know, if there are such people. I want their recovery and I know I need a sponsor, if it's even possible to recover from this addiction. I don't have faith in myself; I need someone else who does have faith to have faith in me. It is really tough to know what the first step to take is,other than feeling powerless and acknowledging how my life has become unmanagable. It's not enough, just to acknowledge these finite details on a piece of paper. It's not enough for me to know I'm powerless. I also need faith and I haven't got it, and I'm allergic to the word G-d. Yes, I've read "We Agnostics" a few times. But I don't speak the language of the soi-disant believers.