Thursday July 9, 2009

Good morning all I am feeling hopeful if i focus on the next step, next job in front of me - using the done is better than perfect reminder has really helped me, that and the sting of total failure that resulted when i didn't get it done!

I don't think I posted this yet but have to share that I actually, if you can imagine, made the EPIC FAILURE i told you all about WORSE! I know, it's crazy! I was overbooked last weekend as it was and had made an agreement to compensate that was doable, then had the idea that if i could just do this extra thing at an earlier time they wouldn't be as mad and might like me or at least be able to talk about me at the gathering w/o saying she is great BUT - person communicating between us even tried to warn me, are you sure you can do all that, and i had brief thought to say no i can't, but then the guilt and desire to redeem myself overwhelmed my good judgement and i was afraid to say will do it if i can after not doing before.... and you guessed it, I didn't do what I said i would. NOW they are REALLY disappointed and there is nothing i can say, again! I am just a total mess when i don't let God lead me and listen to Godly wisdom from others. I didn't feel so bad that day, i let them know i couldn't and just kept working - but monday found out the reprecussions and it was all i could do to finish my deadlines for that day - which i did by Gods Grace! I think now though my failures are becoming comedic to me- they are just so beyond what my perfectionistic mind could have imagined... which is a strangely healing thing because somehow the worst happening is like a weight off of me, or one I finally am allowing to be taken off of me. I am a fixer, a controller - and with this (and a few other pending disasters) i can do neither -only say wow I REALLY messed that up. I think just maybe I am closer to giving up and letting God. I mean I was letting God lead me in lots of ways and making progress where i did - but still I held on to the pressure, the burden, the outcome... There is a great freedom in laughing at myself in this way - at saying WOW could I have done any worse?! And then continuing on... A freedom that if I had been walking in before would have kept me from the failures. I am so grateful God hears prayers and is determined to heal me in spite of me because I asked Him too. A big part of that freedom comes from the pressure i feel to please others, and to TOTALLY and twice now not please others so publicly - well that is just HARD and I realize by trying so hard to be perfect (and working under that pressure) I am setting myself up to fail. I am still processing all of this and may not have done it all justice in my description and don't want to discount that i could EASILY slip into total avoidance and depression if I focused on myself and how it will ever get better - but through this my last shred of faith in myself may be finally gone which makes it easier to NOT focus on myself, and just focus on the one that can make me my best self.

I am learning that God redeems our pain by drawing us closer to Him in it, thereby giving it beauty & meaning. (RebeccaStJames on 2 Cor. 1:5)

Guess i needed a journal moment today! Today I am hopeful - far from seeing the whole staircase - but content to know that it will be ok wherever it goes because God has a good plan - and taking steps!

steps today.. read bible/pray, get jobs done not perfect!