Procrastinators Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from chronic procrastination.
Wednesday July 1, 2009
The people in the 12 step rooms will love you until you can love yourself. Keep coming back.
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bGG
oops - trying to post new day - guess i should go to new day :)
Recycler CI 6:05pm EST
Hi Pro Buddies!
Today was more like a regular day. I did not drink a caffinated beverage in hopes I can go to sleep on time (still having some jet lag re-adjustment).
At the gym, I only made it there in time to shower before work; but at least I crossed the threshold and put in an appearance. It looked like a lot of other people were on vacation, because not many in the locker room today.
At work, I did some projects my boss phoned in. I did some other projects. We corrected something (long story). At lunch I ate at a restaurant, then went in a room by myself & did some stretching. In the afternoon, I did some other stuff, marked off assignments for my list, and made my project list for tomorrow. I want to get as much as I can get done tomorrow morning, because I think tomorrow afternoon will be Very Quiet at work.
After work, I have fixed dinner & eaten. I am exhausted. I will read a little bit. I will try to stay up until at least 8pm. I want to do everything I can to sleep tonight, because I need to get back on my sleep schedule.
Have a great night, everyone! :)
Recycler
Recycler
Thank you, gals & guys, for being here! :)
fudo_shin_ - binging - 11:17am
Please, no advice. Thank you.
I feel like I totally binged last night on websurfing, even though, I didn't go to the websites that I said I would avoid. It's just an icky, icky feeling. There's a part of me that is just obsessed with celebrities and how they look. I want to believe that they do not look that way naturally. That somehow they're just like me, cuz I can't stand the difference between how I look and how they look, because a) I feel unacceptable to the opposite gender, b) I've always wanted to be an actor and I always think about what it would take. And yet, it doesn't take beauty to be a celebrity. It takes talent and self-marketting. Mostly the latter.
I also wanted to look at eye-candy, people who I felt were intrinsically better-looking than I. These pursuits are self-effacing; I wish I were one of those people who thought that X people were beautiful, because I am X. I have a friend, who is Filipino and he is delighted with his almond shaped eyes, his brown hair, dark skin and brown eyes. He has so much self-pride. I'm not Filipino, but you get the point. And I don't know if I feel awkward, b/c I'm multiracial or not; or if I feel awkward b/c I'm a procrastinator. I spend a lot of time, just looking online to try to find groups or communities for multi-ethnic people so that I can have a sense of identity, in a world where most people define themselves as one ethnicity, which is antithetical to the real notion that I have--- that I don't believe ethnicity should define you and that it is not part of your identity, it is merely the shell out of which you think. But that shell has a lot to do with how people see you in real life. Yet I mostly look for pictures of people who are multiracial just to convince myself that we exist. That there are other people out there dealing with what I'm dealing with and still living their lives and doing the best they can. I look for pictures to inspire myself that *we* can, or that *I* can, b/c there is no we.
That's just it, there is no we. I feel unprecedented, not just in what I aim to do in my life, but in the very physical construction of who I am. But that's just the thing; we are all unprecedented. We are all a unique construction, and a result of the unique execution of choices we make. Whether you are black, white, yellow, red or none, there has never been another you before and there will never be another. This is true for everyone, not just for me. I feel more conscious than before about my racial-otherness. The very phrase "exotic beauty" upsets me, b/c I wish that people did not qualify the word "beauty" with "exotic." When they use the e-word it is to claim me as a racial other. 'Exotic' immediately draws into contrast the ethnic elements that are
exotic and domestic. And what does domestic mean in my country?
Indigenous. Certainly not. Thus 'ethnic' becomes a highly ethnocentric word. When they say "exotic beauty" what they're really saying to me, is that "despite being a descendant of the racial other, I am a beauty." It is a phrase that undermines my beauty, with a social classification of "exotic."
Sometimes I think I have no right to be upset about such minutiae. Afterall, ordinary people hardly think about language anyways. The majority of language is entirely unconscious. Sometimes I think I don't even have the right to be upset about the cultural status of my racial appearance. My race isn't even visible to everyone; it is only visible to those who use race as a tool for making categories of people. At those times, I think I have to prove my point by my actions rather than pontificating. But if you knew what it were like to be called "Mystic Indian Dancing Girl," or "That Islamic Girl," when you are not a girl, not an Indian person, and not a muslim, then maybe you would feel the power of language and be a little disenfranchised as well. But in my recovery, what I want to do is continue working on the goals, I've set forth for myself, to continue my sobriety, even when ignorant people speak this way to me, and indeed they do, and probably will continue whether I finish a Ph.D. or publish a prize-winning book. But I want to keep doing whatever I need to do, because they're not right about me, not b/c they didn't get my race right, but because they choose to classify me or anyone by race. My overcoming my procrastination is a way of saying, you're not right about me, I am my own person, independent of race and gender and culture. I can make decisions and take action. I can reclaim the power in my own life. The action is the statement. Because they are wrong about me, I should able to do whatever I set out to do; the execution of my plans forms my rebuttle against an ignorant subculture. It is because they are wrong about me that I must succeed. It is not inspite of them that I will succeed, it is simply because they are wrong, and it follows logically that I will. For once in my life I would like to do something because it's how I really feel, instead of stalling b/c I'm afraid of how people may react.
____________________________________________________________________________
Please, no advice. Thank you. Prayers welcome.
Agnus 2pm ci and hugs to the hurting
Yesterday was so rough and I felt my HP invite me to meet on the riverbank at 5:30am this morning - an UNgodly time for this bedhead! But the thought would not shake, so I did it - tho of course I was 15 minutes late, lol! (Who but a genuine PAer would be late for a date with GOD?! sheesh.) Anyway I sure hope I didn't miss something at 5:30, because 5:45 to 6:45 was spectacular. Thank you, HP.
So I made my 7am AA home group meeting for the first time in a couple months, exercised 30 minutes, and was on time for a 9am dental appt. I've had healthy breakfast, sponsor call, Mom call, ordered flowers for her bday, made a couple of work calls and answered a really PITA work email. Now I'm nibbling at J's lunch so I need to make 1 more work call and then have my own lunch. Tech support will be here at 3 so I will take the phone and notepad in the other room and do some old-fashioned work :-).
Aside to bGG and vic: One of my fave speakers this morning said God sometimes lets us overachievers fail b/c He wants us to rely on Him and we keep excelling above our need...if we actually could do it all perfectly, we would just diss Him and that would break His heart because He loves us so much...
tk u agnus!
I must be as genuine a PAer as they come because I have been late for many a date!! I was just telling someone that though i know He love us all, i think God he has a special place in his heart for us late arrivers because He sees our struggle to get there!!
I just wanted to share with you Agnus what a blessing and a light you are here and just reading your post made me so inspired and joyful as if I had been on that riverbank too! thank you for sharing and overcoming and encouraging!
I am getting a lot of spiritual insight since this failure already and almost all has to do with perfectionism and my own efforts vs leaning on Him and what you shared fits right in with that! This failure is still so hard, but there is much healing after you hit bottom and look up. Thankful for His love and the fellowship here!
“Done is better than perfect.” Scott Allen
byGodsGrace todays CI
I want to first thank everyone again for the love and support you showed me. Everything said was wise and encouraging and is helping me to get over this and learn from it too.
I am slowly regrouping and getting back on track. Something i am actually proud of myself for. I SOOOO wanted to run and hide - but I can't live that way anymore - i would rather stand imperfectly before people and trust God to make a way - than hide. Wow, it is liberating to let go and accept imperfection. I am praying about the idea of accepting my imperfection with joy and giving up and letting God be in control fully in this area. I think there are many things that will fall into place in my life if I can just finally let go of the wrong thinking and expecting.
Being a "thinker" i hope to find balance between overthinking and productively analyzing where things went so wrong so I can correct it. I feel kind of like I was in a slow slide toward this failure - had I really been praying and seeking God as I know I must to function - i know He would have opened my eyes - instead i allowed the fact that I was busy to blind me from the truth that I was off my routine, off my plan and headed for disaster.
My routine that had been working:
*Daily CI here with clear plan (taken from lists/calendars I had planned with each job)
*chatting thru difficult deadlines to stay aware of my wrong thinking patterns
*Consistently attending church
*Consistently praying and reading the word
So several things happened at once - my busiest time of the year plus school being out and not having daytime to myself anymore.
I would say, well I'm too busy today to post my usual ci - just a short one - then skip a day here or there - then not post for days and not with a plan when i did. I missed church a few times to work (of course had i been caught up would not have been needed) then the next time I could go I found it harder to go back. That is a recurring problem for me, restarting after I feel i have failed, disappointed, not lived up... As bad as the failure was it could have been worse and that is only because there were a few things I stuck too and because God is merciful.
Starting today with my old familiar ci format that worked for me :-)
Word and prayer for the day: Phil. 4:6-7Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Soundtrack - songs to remind me to stay in the fight and the fight is already won
My to do list:
Laundry, clean up,pray/read the word, playdate/babysitSamples job Cemail 1email 2,Refigure invoice jobD, emailRespond jobM,samples job M,Respond jobAB,email picsPlan schedule for job2 compensation items,ck mail,storekromer 10:20 CI
I've been having a lot of trouble getting up on time recently! Once I'm a little more established meeting my current set of bottomlines, need to do something to make my schedule more reasonable.
Got up late (a little before 8:00) today, had bfast, cleaned kitchen, practiced toastmasters speech, had prayer time, came to lab, checked email, now I'm (finally) ready to settle down and work.
Scheduled: Toastmasters 12:30-1:30
MITs:
*Contact ST re: mtg, GET STUFF OUT OF LAB!
*Figure out how to use KEGG
*Basic proc/qc of rat stages data
*Budgeting, pay bills
*Read and summarize papers on genetic expts
Other tasks:
*Ask MC about Wnts
*Read paper+take notes/make comments
*Get genes in RA pathway (from KEGG, GO, or EG)
*Take notes from animal training
Breaks: Swing dance 7:30-10:30, call AG
Right now, I'm going to work on basic proc. and qc, then I'll read genetic expt. papers and write up.
kromer 2:00 CI
So far I have:
*Contacted ST re:mtg
*done basic proc of rat stages data, started QC
*started reading paper on genetic expts
*had lunch
*gone to toastmasters (speech went quite well, yay :) )
Now, I'm going to
*Finish qc
*Figure out how to use KEGG
Back when these 2 tasks are done.
kromer 3:20 CI
Oh man, I'm having a really hard time focusing today, and am websurfing (though I'm staying off the sites I said I'd avoid)...I've made some progress on the qc, but that's it. Qc is mind-numbingly dull, which I think is not helping with the focus problems, so I'm going to take a break from that and work on figuring out how to use KEGG.
kromer 6 CI
OK, slow progress (mainly b/c of lab event I'd forgotten about), but I nailed an MIT! (figured out how to use KEGG) And, in the process, I completed an "other task" (get members of RA pathway). Now, I'm going to go have dinner, then I'll come back and try to finish up QC. Haven't gotten everything I wanted to done, so I think I'll just go to the first 2 hrs of swing, then try to finish reading/summarizing papers on genetic manip. expts
kromer 7:15 CI
Had dinner, got mostly done w/ QC, now heading to swing, then I'll read/summarize papers, call AG, and squeeze in budgeting if I have time.
kromer 11:45 rough night--advice welcome
I haven't gotten any work done since my last CI.
When I called AG (my bf), we ended up having a long and pretty serious talk. I've been having a rough time lately, starting work in a new lab and feeling very adrift. With the help of this fellowship, I've been pushing through and making progress on my work (albeit slower than I'd like :P ). But I still have a lot of insecurity and self-doubt.
Self-doubt is not really something he has or understands. So my insecurity is driving him nuts, and making him wonder whether he wants to be around me for the long haul
I understand where he's coming from, but I really don't know how to get rid of my self-doubt and worries--they've been around since about second grade. I can certainly work on being less whiny, but I don't know if I can hide all my worries from someone I talk to an hour a day.
So I'm feeling pretty stuck and upset (and angry at myself for not getting all my work done tonight)
For now, I'm going to do my 15 min of tidying (so I can meet my bottomlines), then pray and go to bed. Tomorrow I'll spend some time thinking about constructive things I can do.
Sorry to dump on you guys--any advice on how to overcome self-doubt (or deal with it without driving your loved ones bonkers) would be much appreciated!
Asking for help to do the next right thing.
thanks so much!
you all give very good advice! your advice and prayers (and the feeling that you guys "get it") make me feel so incredibly much better, thank you all.
I love the phrase "quit trying to buy bread at the hardware store!" I have written this on a post-it and stuck it on my computer to remind me :)
fudo_shin: reply to kromer (8:38pm)
If he's not the kind of person who is supportive when it comes to self-doubt, then you do not need to discuss this topic with him. Choose to get support for this area of yourself from avenues where you are getting the support that you need. I second essentially what Agnus was saying about milk at the hardware store.
If he's going to become disenchanted with you because your self-doubt is an element of your character you cannot help revealing, then he's going to be disenchanted and that's that. As I'm sure you're aware, you don't have control over the situation, the relationship or his choices, but you can choose whom you discuss your insecurities with. If you feel that support in this area, is something you require in a significant other, it is possible that he is not living up to *your* needs. It could be that your HP is trying to tell you what you want out of the relationship, instead of just what he may want.
for kromer
Thanks for sharing - it has helped me also to read what others shared in reply. Besides the book journey mentions, my marriage was saved by "The Five Love Languages." I learned that J doesn't straighten my underwear drawer b/c he thinks I'm sloppy, but b/c "service" is his love language. And I learned that my main love languages - listening and encouraging - are simply not his love languages.
Then I applied a saying I learned in Alanon: Quit trying to buy bread at a hardware store! Today I come to PA or go to some other 12-Step circles or select girlfriends when I need verbal processing and encouragement. Thank God that J and I at least share a HP, 12-Step recovery, and the love language of affection. Hope this is encouraging for you too, kromer. I'm sending love and praying for you today.
advice @kromer
I highly recommend the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". It helped me a lot . . . I can't say it as well as the book does, but here's my brief synopsis: Women like to talk through problems and issues. Men want to solve problems, not talk about them. When a woman talks about a problem to a man, he gets frustrated if he can't solve the problem right away and then stop talking about it. Women get frustrated because men don't want to listen to them talk through the problem.
Forgive me for sounding sexist above!! As the author (Grey I think?) explains in the book, gender doesn't necessarily match up with these attitudes . . . as a matter of fact, in my marriage, I am much more like the "man" above and DH is more like the "woman", but still the book helped me realize why he wants to talk to me about his work problems and doesn't want me to give advice. He just wants me to listen. And occasionally nod or say "yes, dear" lololol.
Jo
"The elevator to success is out of order. You'll have to take the stairs . . . one step at a time." - Joe Girard
encouragement4 kromer
I can so relate to your feelings and all that self-doubt and worry that overtime just feels like a part of you you have to carry around... I see such a theme lately among us - maybe it's always there and just stands out more to me right now - but along the lines of clements quote "if i feel guilty i will get less done..." if we feel bad about ourselves we will get less done and only feel worse about ourselves!
Most advice is easier said/written than done - all I can say from my recent failure and how much self doubt I had in me to even avoid enough to fail that big - I am feeling a bit of freedom in being honest about my mistakes and weaknesses and surprisingly a bit of strength in being transparent that way - to mess up and be loved and accepted anyway is a gift. I don't know how we can not drive them bonkers but i know as long as you have your own doubt to deal with and add on worry over someone elses you will only get worse. I pray you find a balance and the gift of acceptance from others and yourself.
Maybe try tomorrow (today) to pretend -to give yourself that gift and fake it til you make it - what would it be like to pretend we were great and be confident in ourselves for a day... an hour... I think I will try it myself :) Healthy thoughts take a long time to feel familiar when we are so used to unhealthy - but if we practice long enough...
I think you are awesome by the way! Praying for you :)
peace to kromer
i'm not sure i have advice, but i pray with you that god will show you the way, and i want to say i support you.
many here, incl me, have noticed that it is hard for ppl not like us to understand. It is exactly why this place is so magical--to have found ppl who understand, who do not judge, after living with basically everyone who does not understand and does judge.
here's some advice: you can only be yourself. You can't build a relationship on being someone you're not. For us, this can be quite unfortunate. We have been dealing w/ the reality of us for a long time.
That said, kromer, you are the quintessential example of "break it down." You are an inspiration. If you look up "break it down" in the procrastinators dictionary, your picture will be there.
Given that you have this part of your personality, i think it takes great courage and strength of character to keep plugging along like you do, to keep restarting. I hope bf can see that. If not, his loss.
Anyway, mostly i want you to know my prayers are with you!
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the touch of the master's hand: http://procrastinators-anonymous.org/node/1898#comment-27748
"fall down seven times, get up eight" - japanese proverb
Holy crap! The year is half over!
*looks around for those New Year's Resolutions*
Jo
"The elevator to success is out of order. You'll have to take the stairs . . . one step at a time." - Joe Girard
Today is Canada Day
Today is Canada Day here.....for me that means I had the work off today, and although my husband is off, he has gone to volunteer at some of the festivities at the park in town. Me and the kids will head down after the parade - I really do not like parades, and where the kids enjoy themselves, they also focus on the candy too much! Parades are NOT about the candy being thrown!!
This darn computer is such a means of procrastination. I have been playing various games and watching the clock tick the time away. I really need to get off this chair..... not quite yet though......
Just checked out activities for canada day. they start in 5 minutes. So , if I get up now, I can make lunch, unload the dishwasher, load and wipe down counters, take out meat for dinner, get laundry out of dryer, clean litter, wash up and change, fold laundry and then me and the kids can go and see what is happening.
Now is the moment to get up off this chair and start doing instead of thinking .......
changing tv from kid shows to hard rock, get me motivated........
off I go...really....just do it....geez.
This is ridiculous. I want to start a new kakuro instead of something that will benefit me and the kids. I need to
JUST DO IT
And I did just do it. I didn't rush, just kept doing and everything fell into place. Kids had a good time, they got to see the magician's act...again...and play in the playground with tons of other kids. We got home and I mowed the backyard - which the lawnmower didn't like, it was so long. Made hamburgers for supper and cleaned up right away. When I finish on the computer I will go up and finish folding laundry and then I think I will read a bit.
I feel much better than I did this morning :)
Nothing is worth more than this day - Goethe
July 1
I think of July 1 as a second chance- The fiscal year date.
Yesterday I had to stop at my dr. office for a script refill. He asked what are you doing now: Instantly I felt shame. I felt worthless because I took the summer "off" for the kids. I felt like I needed to show him an income statement to prove it was ok. I felt the "not good enough" feeling, that I was a loser, I should at the very minimum be taking some kind of courses, I felt that guilt, worthless feeling of not having a job that was "worthy" , I felt like being with the kids was just a lame "excuse" for being lazy,I felt any spiritual work right now was even a lamer "excuse" (he is an athiest), etc., etc., I felt hopeless. Why? Why do I always think that?. He wanted to talk to me even though I did not have an appointment, he did not even charge me for the visit. He seemed happy and smiling, and gave me a magazine with self help lectures that I could download on my mp3 player. A program person called and told me someone in the program told her to call me, she spoke very highly of me. I wanted to say, I think she gave you the wrong number, you must mean someone else.
If only I could stop criticizing myself in my head, I think I could be more productive.
Today1. walk/pray 2. make list 3. do things with kids 4. airline tickets 5. forgive self for not being perfect
Thanks for letting me share.
Thank you everyone
Thanks for the support. The truth is I really don't like perfect people anyway, so why would I even want to be one, if there even is such a thing. We are all perfectly imperfect.
I need to be abstinent of the garbage thoughts and stop inflicting self torture. I still remember the one day I stopped criticizing myself in my head- I told myself I could do it the next day but not that day. I was so happy and I felt like I was on vacation. But the next day it felt "all wrong" and I picked up the familiar self critical thoughts.
I told my son to say "whatever" when his brother trys to provoke him with antagonistic comments. That is what I am going to say when I catch my negative thoughts of myself "Whatever".
forgiveness for not being perfect
Vic i was thinking before how easy it is to love and support and encourage others and so hard to do the same for ourselves. You (and all of us here) have such a capacity to show love and forgivness and empathize - it is just the enemy that prevents us from speaking that way to our own hearts...
"If only I could stop criticizing myself in my head, I think I could be more productive." I think i said almost the same thing in my post before i read yours :)
What a joy when we all let go and celebrate who we are - imperfections and all -who ever said we had to be perfect anyway!?
I found this reply I wrote to you some time ago and I needed it in a way i never thought i would for myself....
http://procrastinators-anonymous.org/node/2016#comment-29532
silence the inner critic
It is difficult, but we all here probably need to silence our inner harsh critic that says we are not good enough, etc. With help from our HP, we can love ourselves and take baby steps forward and make slow but steady progress. Think of yourself in the way a loving friend would and see if that helps.
Thanks for sharing, Vic.
rec
@vic
Absolutely! Not only is all that "beating myself up" time wasted, it prevents you from moving forward. Stop doing it.
Of course I say that with a great deal of conviction haha, but this is definitely an area that I struggle with and I have to constantly remind myself of the above advice!
Jo
"The elevator to success is out of order. You'll have to take the stairs . . . one step at a time." - Joe Girard
Journey 8 am
Working from home again today. Yesterday was ok, I guess, I didn't check off many items on my todo list but yet I was busy all day . . .some of it was wheel spinning but also had some unplanned meetings and all kinds of email conversations about projects. I'm frustrated because I don't really know where the time went, but yet I felt that I worked pretty hard most of the day. Today I will do a better job of using my journal to keep track of my activities.
I've been to the gym, checked email and calendar. I made a todo list but it needs triage and sanity check. I'm going to have some coffee, yogurt, and Honey Bunches of Oats, then I'll tackle that triage process!
I should be ready to get some actual work done by 9:30 or so . . .
Laters.
Jo
"The elevator to success is out of order. You'll have to take the stairs . . . one step at a time." - Joe Girard