Tuesday June 30, 2009

Hi Pro Buddies!

I am back online now! I really missed you guys!!!

In day-to-day life, I tend to get overwhelmed; hence not doing things, therefore procrastinating. So I attend exercise conference each year to learn and reinforce as many ways as I can the help me not be stuck/stay stuck emotionally and otherwise, because it helps me in my recovery, PA and my other programs, too.

Exercise conference each year for me is learning new techniques and new ideas. This year (the year I planned to not go but went anyway) in addition to the physical exercises & techniques, without attracting attention I had tears coming down my face because the experiential emotional learning was so strong: that other people had to emotionally process too even at conference, and that I could emotionally process also without having to leave the roon/session. Wow, HP was really working. I need to transcribe my notes from the conference, so I can access the ideas to continue progress through during this year.

Also, thank you, HP, for letting me have a safe trip. I have agoraphobia. Three days before the conference I found out the airport shuttle wasn't available as previously stated. I started having panic attacks at the thought of a rental car. But with prayer from a local group, I was able get the rental car in an unfamiliar city, drive 1.5+ hours in unfamiliar territory, find where I was supposed to go, and be emotionally present during the conference. During the drives to & from, I was able to recover from getting lost in the car on both drives. On the return airline trip, the delayed first flight had me making the connecting flight with less than 5 minutes to spare vs the 1.5 hours I was supposed to have, but I ran for the gate "just in case" and made it. It would have been ok if I hadn't made it, but I was very thankful that I did get there in time for the flight, even though I didn't get to go to the bathroom in between flights :( [tmi]

Since it's the 7th consecutive annual conference I've been to of a group that has a totally different religion than I do, I have a lot of thanks to HP for providing Recovery Paths via the most unexpected of sources, and for keeping me safe physically, emotionally, and in all ways. Thanks, HP!

Anyway, somehow I made it through a full workday today. I'm going to type a little more, then look forward going to sleep on time, instead of with the 3-hour time difference that I've had since last Thursday.

Have a great night, everyone! :) Hugs! :)

Recycler

Recycler

Thank you, gals & guys, for being here! :)

12 DAYS!!!

• social networking sites, including facebook, twitter, youtube
• dating sites
• chatting sites: woome, chat with a stranger, etc.  I cannot be on a
  chatting site.  MMORPGs count as "chat sites".  IRC.  The only
  exception is 12 step-related chat.
• chat programs
• MMORPGs
• YouTube, Google videos, Crackle
• SayNow.com, and calling anyone's associated fan line

I never thought I'd make it.  I fell through on my commitment to brush my teeth before bed for 21 days.  I just didn't do it last night.  My second day, last night.  eeep. I stayed up way too late, and did a whole bunch of unnecessary things like "window shopping" on websites yesterday and didn't leave the house when I said I would, and kept making food.

Just as a review the following are important to me this week:

• wake up at 6am on July 1st, and apply for food stamps and cash assistance
• run 5 minutes+ 1 minute walk * 5, on Tuesday, Wed, Friday and Saturday, in order to jump back into running plan
• get done with English papers
• be on time for the interview with the company I would like to work for on Thursday morning at 10:30am.  Must leave at 10am and get up at 8:30am.  Which means I need to sleep by 12am the night of Wednesday
• brush teeth before bed

_______________________________________________________________________

Please do not leave advice.  Thank you.  Prayers welcome. 

Just to be honest: I am really struggling with my recovery program(s).  I'm waking up every morning with my stomach in a knot, anxious because of the backogs or perceived backlogs and that old nagging feeling of impending doom.  Hate this!  God please help me. Making it worse: my Outlook calendar has a bug and that's where I schedule my day. Acck.

I believe. Just for today, I will "Go...be freed...just believe...get up!" (Mk 5)

This is an unrealistic list but it's what is pressuring me today, so I list it and pray for grace to "go in peace:"

• Call Deb and amend for not meeting today
• Massage therapy 11:15
• Advise RR of toolkit ship
• Phone tech support for help later today
• 1 hour calling DLs
• 1 hour researching and calling 4 new AP Onsites
• send weekly update report
• team conf call 2pm
• call studio tech
• order cd-roms
• finish AP spreadsheet
• 30 minutes from Project Mgmt folder
• 30 minutes from Today folder
• 1 hour from To Read folder
• 30 minutes from bill basket

Epic failure...Amazing grace

Haven't posted because I am still in a bit of shock - but I know I can share this here and it will be understood and maybe help someone else not face the same.

Last week started as the best week EVER and ended as the worst. I have never publicly failed on that scale before. In fact, on of the things that made it the best week was that professionally I stepped out with a public face for the first time - only to promise things in a big way that I didn't deliver. Not only did I let down and disappoint the most important and influnencial client i've ever had and all those important people that were involved, I did it online. 

Had it not been for prayers from a few people that knew how bad it was and the amazing love and grace of God I wouldn't have survived the weekend. The shame, fear, embarassment, hopelessness, denial, panic and too many other emotions to describe were overwhelming.

In the face of that I did not hide out which is a testament to some progress here. Without Gods grace i would have had a nervous breakdown, complete mental snap and probably would have hurt myself - knowing i have my daughter to take care of am have no choice but to recover was my first life line. Then I had 2 friends who gave me hope in the word to remind me that as amazing as it is to imagine, God KNEW my failure and weakness before it happened (not that he wanted it to happen, but gives me free will to let it happen) and that he ALREADY has a solution. It may not be what I would choose but he will give me grace to go thru it if I trust him. I am still in a bit of shock and completely surrendered to God - having hit professional and financial bottom - to make something good out of what is so horribly bad.

I spent so much time and money on this job because of the potential for visibility that i didn't profit and worse I now have to pay it back. I was financially barely making it month to month and will need a miracle to pay my bills for July.

In the midst of this I see God working in me and through others to bless me and I am so grateful for Christians who actually walk out the love of God. The clients still don't want to talk to me - understandable - but have graciously kept from blasting me online and are willing to let me pay them back over time. The planner admited to not talking to me the day of b/c whe would have said things in anger that she didn't mean and would regret later and showed me incredible love and kindness despite legitimate reasons to be outraged. It is so sad that a recurring theme for me has been that people put up with me because they think I am talented and love my work - when I get it done on time. She acutally would work with me again - with strict deadlines of course. But that is a miracle in itself. It is also a miracle that I spoke to anyone. I have not done things before and avoided the person or situation completely and the thought of packing up and moving home without a word to anyone crossed my mind.

From a PA perspective - i learned that whatever progress I've made, I am still an avoidance addict with an inability to plan or see things rationally at times. I tried to do a job that no normal person would do alone by myself and in not enough time. I made a whole series of bad decisions and overextended myself so that I had no real sleep for days and when failure was inevitable, I still couldn't see it - tried to stick to the original plan instead of adjust. In the aftermath, having slept and out from under all the pressure i put on myself I can see so many easy solutions - a friend told me it's being so desperate to have everything right and in the end I had no ability to switch gears and do something passable just to have it done.

I can see so many mistakes... the biggest being that I made a plan but didn't follow it and that led me to an impossible situation. I also see that I need accountability in a very serious way. I must have someone who knows what my obligations are and what my plans are to meet them - and my flesh even after this failure resists that - because in truth I know I have unrealistic expectations of myself and my time and for anyone to really look in they would see it clearly. Crazy that there would be denial still after all of this...

I am humbled and scared and holding on to the love of God for direction and hope. I have a few more impossible deadlines (if I don't handle them without perfectionism)  to face and meet this week in the midst of my feeling so bad about myself and i never perform well when I am financially insecure - so I am completely surrendered and at the end of myself here and as bad as that feels I know it means God can use this to continue to remake me into what he created me to be.

thank you everyone here for listening and being here for me - i would not have even progressed enough to have gotten this job likely or been able to stand in the face of this failure (however weak my legs feel under me) without this fellowship of overcomers and i truly love and appreciate you all.

I am not going to give up as much as i want to and I would so appreciate your prayers so that I can not retreat but overcome this in the way God has planned.