Procrastinators Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from chronic procrastination.

Thursday July 2, 2009

Constance's Friday

work a bit on BR

get leech block up again - done. Too bad that leech block can be deinstalled when I just crave a certain site ...

lock & rest between 2000-0000 - done

That's about all I can do today.

Feel very bad about myself ... started day bay watching movies ... and the worst thing is probably that I somehow believe live goes on forever. But it doesn't. It's freaking short. When will I wake up and start the life I've been dreaming about for 36 years now ...?



says "sorry for my silly English, not a native speaker here :-) "

"Failing to plan is planning to fail"


fudo_shin - my sponsor - 9:26 pm

 My SLAA sponsor wrote me an email telling me that she is unable to sponsor me or take outreach calls right now.  I am devastated about this. I am afraid b/c I don't know too many people who *get* me.  I don't know too many people who are on the same page, and I find the task of finding a sponsor GRUELING.  I didn't even find her until 1.5 years into my program, and that is with online coupled with real life.  And even then, it was just as a temporary--- I the commitment-phobe-- whom no one is good enough for.  Or at least that's what I thought *then*.  I know she's not the only person with the wisdom; I know others have wisdom, but it takes a long time to find someone on the same page and it takes a long time to even GET on the same page with someone.  I cried for literally two hours and had two different balling sessions.  My eyes were red; I needed a tissue box.  I ...

I was scared.  I'm still in denial.  I don't even want to think about it.  I just want to do whatever I need to do. I already wrote a fourth step, like she asked me to about the one guy Jake.  And I am going to listen to that CD she sent me over email.  One thing I recognize though is that instead of losing my sobriety in SLAA and totally ignoring it all now that she's unavailable, I'm going to make it worth it. I  am going to use everything that she told me.  I had a moment of choice this afternoon.  It did occur to me that maybe cuz my sponsor is out of the picture, maybe that means I can do whatever  the heck I want----

But you know, I realized that having a relationship with someone who isn't interested in me and treats me like crap is not my interest anymore.  As much as my addict wants it.  I now have a self-esteem about things, or I am starting to.  I used to feel like "What the hell?"  when she would say that a guy was not good enough for me if he didn't treat me the way I wanted to be treated.  I never even had a concept about that before.  And now, I do.   She gave me that gift.  And I'm not going to throw it away.  I now feel like I know what it's like to be treated with respect, b/c I've formed those bonds with people in my twelve step programs, and now I want that in my romantic life, if at all.  I have a small, nascent, yet existent sense of worthyness.  If only because I have suffered so much in my life.  I have suffered b/c I have sought people who didn't wnt to be with me or did not treat me the right way, and I don't want to spend the rest of my life doing that.  THe only way to stop is to stop.

But I'm still very sad. I was very sad this afternoon.  And I just need to communicate that somewhere, b/c it does feel overwhelming knowing I got some step work left to do.  Knowing I got to call new people and deal with talking to new people who may not get me.  But regardless, I need to expand my base of support.  I do have a higher power.  My sponsor is human.   I am sorry to lose her; it is a great loss.  But there are people among me in the program, and I am going to keep goign to meetings and doing the work and quietly working on step stuff.  I don't even know if I've lost her; everything is open-ended with human beings.  there are other people I can and will reach out to.  I'm just afraid, you know.  It's hard to reach out to people, and be that awkward person at meetings trying to get to know more people.  But I know I will be okay.  I've worked my four steps and I have done a lot of work; I am a fraid of a sponsor telling me I Need to do my four steps over again.    These are the things that go through my mind.  I also was afraid of not being able to call someone who actually understood where I were coming from, but i will try to seek out different people for all the different needs that I have in program.


Please do not leave advice.  Thank you.  Prayers welcome. 

prayers for fudo_shin

That sounds like a really tough situation, and I admire you for coming here and talking it through. My prayers are with you.

fudoshin: prayers 11:11pm- Friday

Thanks for the prayers, I really do need it and appreciate it right now.

fudo_shin - my sponsor - 9:35 pm


Please do not leave advice.  Thank you.  Prayers welcome. 


Here's the thing that's bugging me, among others. I cannot go on a walk right now and go stalk someone, and think "Oh my sponsor wouldn't want me to do that, so I'm not giong to."  Instead it has to be *ME* making the decision, "I don't want to do it." I hate that. I hate being in the position of being the one I have to be acocuntable to.  I hate not doing something because *I* have a sense of dignity.  I hate just being honorable for my own sake, for me.  facing myself for my sake.  Well, that just takes the cake on the list of non-desirables.  Self-care.  That's WORK.  Her being away or unavailable forces me to be good,b/c of*me*.  I feel like I'm out here on an island for my own sake.  Like I really DO HAVE to be good right now, b/c who the fuck else is going to do it for me?  No one.  No one.  It's when my ex left me and I quit my addiction to self-mutilation, because I felt like somehow impelled.   I felt like, "No one is going to take care of me right now.  So I have to do something for myself.   If I don't quit this mutilation then I'm just going to be a lonely little peach tree with no one to love me.  I'm just going to be bereft and self-mutilative.  If he left me, I have to do something for me.  Something so that I can feel better than I ever did when i were with him."  So I quit the skin mutilation.  But  I still have urges, I'm still an addict.  

But you get the point: I may be able to quit skin pulling and picking, but I'll never be able to quit being a love addict, I feel like.  I don't know if I even want to.  I know I'm an addict.  But I do get something out of it. I still enjoy things I do in that addiction, even though I have bottomlines.  I still get a high, even if I'm not looking for one.  Love addiction is a bit more subtle than skin mutilation.  You're either, touching your nose and making it bleed or you're not.  But if i go on a walk and I pass by a guy's favorite place, am I stalking him or just excercising?  Sometimes, it's a combo of both.  If I go to karaoke, am I doing it to cure my anorexia, and social anxiety, am I doing it just to have fun?  Or am I doing it to catch a glimpse of the hot red head at the bar?  Maybe all of those.  And is it so bad, if I get all the positive stuff, too?  I don't know.  That's something I have to ask my HP about.

I feel like I'm on my own, but i'm not, there are still other people out there.  Higher power, lead the way, and please remove my character defects.  I know i'm not perfect but I want to do the right thing.  I want to act in a way I can feel proud.

fudo_shin - things I've learned from PA - 9:07 pm

  • action precedes motivation
  • take one small step toward my goal, no matter how small it is and I will start the momentum toward the progressive direction
    • examples include: starting a draft of an email before sending it
    • taking out a book or pamphlet before reading it
    • opening a book.
    • writing it down on paper first and rewriting it
    • typing it/ or writing it down first and worrying about how it sounds later;
    • taking a walk is better than no exercise at all
    • one form of exercise is better than none at all
    • write a letter communicating what I've done
    • do the most important thing out of a stack of seemingly overwhelming items
    • collect important items in a folder, soon the folder will fill up and it will be more about addressing the one or two items that i don't have, rather than worrying about putting a whole folder together.
  • starting is the hardest part, everything from there is absolutely positively down hill and you better believe it, self
  • It is to my advantage and the advantage of others as well for me to take care of myself before I can involve myself with others.  I may not do this perfectly but I can keep doing this again everyday
  • prioritize.  The key to my being on time, is that I literally put the rest of my shit on hold.  I write down a list or keep a record o what I were doing before if it is necessary. I have to prioritize being on time.
  • The same goes for those task lists that I have to prioritize; I have to cut everything else out, sometimes, just to make sure that I finish a task, and *that* is totally fine.



Please do not leave advice.  Thank you.  Prayers welcome. 

fudo_shin - seventh step prayer - 9 pm

I'm really in the seventh step mood tonight.  Gonna memorize it so I can say it during my walk.  I'm just posting this here, cuz I read someone mention it and I needed to read it:

Seventh Step Prayer

from page 76
of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous


I am now willing that you should have all of me,
good and bad.
I pray that you now remove from me
every single defect of character which stands in the
of my usefulness to you and my fellows.
Grant me strength, as I go out from here,
to do your bidding.

without works is dead."


fudo_shin - 14 days sobriety + accomplishments - 8:48 pm

Please no advice.  Thank you.  Prayers are welcome.

Two weeks ago I made a commitment to avoid the following sites. I  was scared that maybe I had included LJ or blogging sites on the list, but it looks like I haven't.  Good. I was scared; I accidentally went on one, when I was cyberstalking this dude, who never called me back.  I know!!!  And then, I realized, "hey wait a minute, is this on my restricted list?  How come page addict isn't blocking me?"  Well, I guess I know why.  Anyways, I am not going to add it, simply b/c I know there are some useful pieces of information on blogs, and I've been pretty good avoiding it anyways, didn't spend much time there anyways.  It's tough enough for me to just do 30 days of this avoiding these, but I'm going to think about it. I 've been avoiding actually blogging on blogging sites (esp.  livejournal), which I perceive to be social networking activity in disguise.  One last thing: I know I make this look easy, but it is NOT easy.  I go through everyday--more like every third day now-- cringin at the bit.  I have my moments, but the urges pass. And when I find it difficult what I do is I think to myself: "What else can I do to have fun right now?"  "What else can I do instead of this at this moment, just for ten minutes or even a moment?"  I once had a great outreach call friend in CoDA who used to say, "If you cannot take one day at a time, take one hour at a time, and if you cannot take one hour at time, try taking one minute at a time."  And one minute at a time is all I can do sometimes.  Most of the time, it's enough.  The hardest part is starting, just like the hardest part is making the decision to do something ELSE.
  • social networking sites, including facebook, twitter, youtube
  • dating sites
  • chatting sites: woome, chat with a stranger, etc.  I cannot be on a
    chatting site.  MMORPGs count as "chat sites".  IRC.  The only
    exception is 12 step-related chat.
  • chat programs
  • YouTube, Google videos, Crackle
  •, and calling anyone's associated fan line

I never thought I'd make it.  I brushed my teeth on Wednesday night, this morning.  Just as a review the following are important to me this week:

  • wake up at 7am on July 3rd and apply for food stamps and cash assistance
  • I changed my running plan so that I'm starting over again from scratch in order to keep myself motivated to just get out there.  I am committing to just the week 1 activities on Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat.
  • get done with English papers
  • I WAS on time for the interview with the company I would like to work
    for on Thursday morning at 10:30am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<-----gold star!:)))
  • brush teeth before bed: started doing this on Wednesday night.  Need to do it tonight.

Recycler CI 8:20pm EST

Hi Pro Buddies!

This morning at the gym, I got there in time to stretch and shower; so I am still showing up! :)

At work, while today's projects were like a journey in slow motion, I did do some things, and also responded quickly when my boss had requests (which is a main point of my job, lol). At lunchtime, I got a to-go meal at a restaurant, and then did my stretching. Afternoon was similar to morning, but I made it through the day! :)

After work, I went to my chiropracter appt, which is a main reason that I Feel Sooo Much Better tonight! I need to go regularly, and especially after traveling! Whew!

Tonight I think it is realistic that I will be able to sleep. Last night, while I only slept maybe 4 hours, I didn't take any otc or other sleeping pills, so I think that will help my process to re-adjust to sleeping "naturally." (somehow that didn't make sense when I typed it, lol).

Next: write email to 2 friends, read inspirational book, do a little stretching or whatever before bedtime.

Have a great night, everyone! :)



Thank you, gals & guys, for being here! :)

CI Do It Now 5:42 pm THURS

find passport

call act part's DONE  LM

call Paul DONE  LM

fix blue toot

note to R Latm

call Rhor 

Ag ci 11:05am, 1:15 folo-up

tech supt finished at 10pm and I finally have Outlook again, yay!  Had a mild morning so far, getting ready for 6 days vaca, and catching up emails and phone calls this morning.  Next up: finish breakfastCall the Melb cd repro. decide on pet care and purchase accordingly. make J's list. take cd for repro.  work incoming emails and MITs from the week. pack. relax. prep for studio work tonight. be on time to studio.

1:15 - I actually feel pretty good about delegating some stuff today. The cd repro is eating up a lot of my time when it's really an admin task so I requested admin support for it. And I delegated the pet care stuff to J. I am making good progress on the emails, and will tackle MIT#1 next.

GeorgeSmiley 9:55 AM + Updates

I didn't CI here yesterday because I was out for the day in The Big City, working in the morning, then movie in the afternoon w/ Mrs. GS plus a discussion group at her church.

No. 1 son turns 18 today. We're supposed to see each other this AM before he goes to the Even Bigger City for his favorite team's baseball game.

No. 2 son comes over after Day Camp. 

I need to finish 2 projects today:

Project C-E

Project W-M-06

Update, 10:40 AM

Trouble getting started. Going to chatbox




Want what you have. Be who you are. Do what you can. ~Forrest Church

The Hero's Code:

Show Up. Pay Attention. Speak the Truth. Let Go of the Outcome.


I just spent the last hour on today's check in and lost everything when I tried to insert a photo. My head critic is having a field day with it.

My new motto is "whatever" . I will validate my own plan for the day  and trust that whatever I wrote was good enough.

I am sure it would be ok with eveyone else, I don't need to prepare a defense.

The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials.-Chinese proverb


A friend of mine in AA calls this her short version of the 7th Step prayer: "Whatever!"

kromer 10:25 CI

This morning I had to pack for my 4th of july visit to my parents, so I'm a bit late to lab, and need to leave early...but I can do focused work until I leave, and then do some more work on the plane.

Scheduled: Leave at 4:45 for flight

*Read CY paper
*Finish QC, choose which samples to use
*Graph expr of genes in RA pathways
*Read 2 papers on meiosis
*Pack up work for the weekend

Other tasks:
*Read 2 Dazl papers
*Get genes in other pathways
*Ask MC about Wnts
*Write up genetic manip. expts
*Brainstorm how to look for variation across stages
*Read about meiotic blocks

Right now, i'm going to take an hour to finish QC and choose which samples to use.

Journey 9:15

Good morning!  I'm in the office today and getting ready for a 9:30 meeting.  Later!  

"The elevator to success is out of order.   You'll have to take the stairs . . . one step at a time." - Joe Girard

mj thursday checkin

"Done is better than perfect..." Like it.



one box that I moved

s to dmv

10 am w a

fax to dtv



repot 2


get big coleus


Thanks, bGG.....  Done is

Thanks, bGG.....  Done is better than perfect - Scott Allen

Cuz you can always go back and clean up the edges!

I am feeling better today, not overwhelmed right off the bat.   I feel optimistic that I will get off this chair in a timely manner and get things done!  I certainly helps that the kids are still sleeping....a little bit of relaxed mommy time first thing is always welcome :)

Nothing is worth more than this day  - Goethe

clean up the edges!

YES! I was looking for the right words to add :)

Cleaning up a few edges this morning and enjoying some relaxed mommy time too!


 Done is better than perfect.  Scott Allen

(cuz you can always go back and clean up the edges! - Isabo)


byGodsGrace todays CI

working late - but not unrealistically for days on end! AND I am working with awareness - the desire to perfect and avoid for fear it won't be perfect still are there just waiting to rule me - but I am refocused on the addictive part of this and not letting it sabotage me.

AND - I have to give another praise report about my failure - one had already forgiven me and shown kindness - and now my actual clients said they forgive me and hope i can forgive myself! WOW - I was thinking of this quote before from Joyce Meyer:

It's easy to give people what they deserve, but it's a privilege to give them mercy.

Lord let me never forget the lessons you teach me!

Word of the day: 2 Timothy 7:1

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

To Do List:

jobC Samples/email,  ck mail, mtg 11:45 resched Fri, phone store

ss for quote, email ab updated inv/mtg time, dd st 2:30

exch job2 supplies ONAP, make list for sat  ONAP, jobC proof print, job M proofs/email

  Done is better than perfect. Scott Allen