Thursday July 2, 2009

 My SLAA sponsor wrote me an email telling me that she is unable to sponsor me or take outreach calls right now.  I am devastated about this. I am afraid b/c I don't know too many people who *get* me.  I don't know too many people who are on the same page, and I find the task of finding a sponsor GRUELING.  I didn't even find her until 1.5 years into my program, and that is with online coupled with real life.  And even then, it was just as a temporary--- I the commitment-phobe-- whom no one is good enough for.  Or at least that's what I thought *then*.  I know she's not the only person with the wisdom; I know others have wisdom, but it takes a long time to find someone on the same page and it takes a long time to even GET on the same page with someone.  I cried for literally two hours and had two different balling sessions.  My eyes were red; I needed a tissue box.  I ...

I was scared.  I'm still in denial.  I don't even want to think about it.  I just want to do whatever I need to do. I already wrote a fourth step, like she asked me to about the one guy Jake.  And I am going to listen to that CD she sent me over email.  One thing I recognize though is that instead of losing my sobriety in SLAA and totally ignoring it all now that she's unavailable, I'm going to make it worth it. I  am going to use everything that she told me.  I had a moment of choice this afternoon.  It did occur to me that maybe cuz my sponsor is out of the picture, maybe that means I can do whatever  the heck I want----

But you know, I realized that having a relationship with someone who isn't interested in me and treats me like crap is not my interest anymore.  As much as my addict wants it.  I now have a self-esteem about things, or I am starting to.  I used to feel like "What the hell?"  when she would say that a guy was not good enough for me if he didn't treat me the way I wanted to be treated.  I never even had a concept about that before.  And now, I do.   She gave me that gift.  And I'm not going to throw it away.  I now feel like I know what it's like to be treated with respect, b/c I've formed those bonds with people in my twelve step programs, and now I want that in my romantic life, if at all.  I have a small, nascent, yet existent sense of worthyness.  If only because I have suffered so much in my life.  I have suffered b/c I have sought people who didn't wnt to be with me or did not treat me the right way, and I don't want to spend the rest of my life doing that.  THe only way to stop is to stop.

But I'm still very sad. I was very sad this afternoon.  And I just need to communicate that somewhere, b/c it does feel overwhelming knowing I got some step work left to do.  Knowing I got to call new people and deal with talking to new people who may not get me.  But regardless, I need to expand my base of support.  I do have a higher power.  My sponsor is human.   I am sorry to lose her; it is a great loss.  But there are people among me in the program, and I am going to keep goign to meetings and doing the work and quietly working on step stuff.  I don't even know if I've lost her; everything is open-ended with human beings.  there are other people I can and will reach out to.  I'm just afraid, you know.  It's hard to reach out to people, and be that awkward person at meetings trying to get to know more people.  But I know I will be okay.  I've worked my four steps and I have done a lot of work; I am a fraid of a sponsor telling me I Need to do my four steps over again.    These are the things that go through my mind.  I also was afraid of not being able to call someone who actually understood where I were coming from, but i will try to seek out different people for all the different needs that I have in program.

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Please do not leave advice.  Thank you.  Prayers welcome. 

• action precedes motivation
• take one small step toward my goal, no matter how small it is and I will start the momentum toward the progressive direction
  • examples include: starting a draft of an email before sending it
  • taking out a book or pamphlet before reading it
  • opening a book.
  • writing it down on paper first and rewriting it
  • typing it/ or writing it down first and worrying about how it sounds later;
  • taking a walk is better than no exercise at all
  • one form of exercise is better than none at all
  • write a letter communicating what I've done
  • do the most important thing out of a stack of seemingly overwhelming items
  • collect important items in a folder, soon the folder will fill up and it will be more about addressing the one or two items that i don't have, rather than worrying about putting a whole folder together.
• starting is the hardest part, everything from there is absolutely positively down hill and you better believe it, self
• It is to my advantage and the advantage of others as well for me to take care of myself before I can involve myself with others.  I may not do this perfectly but I can keep doing this again everyday
• prioritize.  The key to my being on time, is that I literally put the rest of my shit on hold.  I write down a list or keep a record o what I were doing before if it is necessary. I have to prioritize being on time.
• The same goes for those task lists that I have to prioritize; I have to cut everything else out, sometimes, just to make sure that I finish a task, and *that* is totally fine.

 

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Please do not leave advice.  Thank you.  Prayers welcome. 

Please no advice.  Thank you.  Prayers are welcome.

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Two weeks ago I made a commitment to avoid the following sites. I  was scared that maybe I had included LJ or blogging sites on the list, but it looks like I haven't.  Good. I was scared; I accidentally went on one, when I was cyberstalking this dude, who never called me back.  I know!!!  And then, I realized, "hey wait a minute, is this on my restricted list?  How come page addict isn't blocking me?"  Well, I guess I know why.  Anyways, I am not going to add it, simply b/c I know there are some useful pieces of information on blogs, and I've been pretty good avoiding it anyways, didn't spend much time there anyways.  It's tough enough for me to just do 30 days of this avoiding these, but I'm going to think about it. I 've been avoiding actually blogging on blogging sites (esp.  livejournal), which I perceive to be social networking activity in disguise.  One last thing: I know I make this look easy, but it is NOT easy.  I go through everyday--more like every third day now-- cringin at the bit.  I have my moments, but the urges pass. And when I find it difficult what I do is I think to myself: "What else can I do to have fun right now?"  "What else can I do instead of this at this moment, just for ten minutes or even a moment?"  I once had a great outreach call friend in CoDA who used to say, "If you cannot take one day at a time, take one hour at a time, and if you cannot take one hour at time, try taking one minute at a time."  And one minute at a time is all I can do sometimes.  Most of the time, it's enough.  The hardest part is starting, just like the hardest part is making the decision to do something ELSE.

• social networking sites, including facebook, twitter, youtube
• dating sites
• chatting sites: woome, chat with a stranger, etc.  I cannot be on a
  chatting site.  MMORPGs count as "chat sites".  IRC.  The only
  exception is 12 step-related chat.
• chat programs
• MMORPGs
• YouTube, Google videos, Crackle
• SayNow.com, and calling anyone's associated fan line

I never thought I'd make it.  I brushed my teeth on Wednesday night, this morning.  Just as a review the following are important to me this week:

• wake up at 7am on July 3rd and apply for food stamps and cash assistance
• I changed my running plan so that I'm starting over again from scratch in order to keep myself motivated to just get out there.  I am committing to just the week 1 activities on Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat.
• get done with English papers
• I WAS on time for the interview with the company I would like to work
  for on Thursday morning at 10:30am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<-----gold star!:)))
• brush teeth before bed: started doing this on Wednesday night.  Need to do it tonight.

find passport

call act part's DONE  LM

call Paul DONE  LM

fix blue toot

note to R Latm

call Rhor 

I didn't CI here yesterday because I was out for the day in The Big City, working in the morning, then movie in the afternoon w/ Mrs. GS plus a discussion group at her church.

No. 1 son turns 18 today. We're supposed to see each other this AM before he goes to the Even Bigger City for his favorite team's baseball game.

No. 2 son comes over after Day Camp. 

I need to finish 2 projects today:

Project C-E

Project W-M-06

Update, 10:40 AM

Trouble getting started. Going to chatbox

 

 

~~

Want what you have. Be who you are. Do what you can. ~Forrest Church

The Hero's Code:

Show Up. Pay Attention. Speak the Truth. Let Go of the Outcome.

Good morning!  I'm in the office today and getting ready for a 9:30 meeting.  Later!  

"The elevator to success is out of order.   You'll have to take the stairs . . . one step at a time." - Joe Girard

Thanks, bGG.....  Done is better than perfect - Scott Allen

Cuz you can always go back and clean up the edges!

I am feeling better today, not overwhelmed right off the bat.   I feel optimistic that I will get off this chair in a timely manner and get things done!  I certainly helps that the kids are still sleeping....a little bit of relaxed mommy time first thing is always welcome :)

Nothing is worth more than this day  - Goethe