I want to say hello to everyone here. I've got tears in my eyes, because finally, it feels good.
I always felt that somewhere there had to be someone who lived liked me and felt like me, someone who could understand. It's been a hard, passive but hard struggle, to drag myself along, for so many years. I remember the empty stares my teachers would direct towards me, shaking their head and muttering the words " I don't understand you" , after another bad mark, after another " I don't know, I didn't study." , even if the oral test had been pre- organized weeks ahead. I remember my self-defeated attitude. I was already a very bad procrastinator, and I couldn't understand either, I just knew a force I couldn't fight urged me to resist everything I wanted to do. I know the labels:" you're lazy." "You just didn't want to do it bad enough." But the worst thing of all is: "Oh, don't take it too seriously, we all procrastinate. I'm messy too. "But you just know they don't know what they're talking about. They don't know what YOU'RE talking about. But maybe, here, someone does.
Maybe here someone can imagine the mess (and the smell) in the house. Piles of dirty dishes, piles of dirty washing (not knowing what to wear because you didn't do the washing for days and everything is dirty), the empty fridge. Maybe here someone can imagine the guilt that arises at work, when you know that you are NOT doing so many of the things that you should do in order to do a good job, what it feels like to be afraid of when someone will notice and ask you "why didn't you do this?" and not being able to come up with a better answer than "I'm sorry for the inconvience, but I'm a compulsive procrastinator". Maybe someone here will know what it feels to be buried by the frustration of yet another later, yet another tomorrow which never come(day after day for ten, twelve even more years) leaving you slowly without faith, dreams, ambition or even enthusiasm. Laters and tomorrows which in the end made you feel you were not worthy any of your dreams, any of your desires, which you ended up leaving behind. Sorry if I've been a bit long, but I really needed this.
Like someone else said, now I don't feel so alone. Thank you for creating this site.
I hope we can all help each other sharing our efforts and our thoughts. If something is visible it's easier to fight. And I, already feel better.