Friday 4 May 2007

LILMISSY 2:27 C I

JUST RECEIVED A CALL FROM LEE, AS USUSAL THE TONE IN HIS VOICE TELLS THE TRUE STORY OF WHAT HE IS THINKING.  I COULD FEEL THE TENSION BUILDING AS IT USUALLY DOES.  ATTEMPTING TO NOT BECOME FRUSTRATED WITH HIM IS NOT EASY, SINCE HIS FAMOUS WORDS ARE " YOU NEVER DO WHAT YOU SAY YOU ARE GOING TO DO.  BUT THIS TIME I WOULD RATHER MAKE SURE THE PLANS ARE IN ORDER BEFORE WALKING OUT THE DOOR.  HE SEEMS TO BECOME MORE FRUSTRATED WHEN THE SUBJECT OF THE VEHICLES COMES UP BECAUSE HE WANTS TO FIX THEM. HOWEVER, TO AVOID ANY HASSLES BE CLEAR WHAT THE PLANS ARE.  INSTEAD OF ABRUPTLY AGREEING TO SOMETHING OUT OF FRUSTRATION THAT IN THE END WILL FAIL. 
THE PLAN: P/U RX; COVER FOR P/U; FAX RX INF; CALL MS. J.

Yesterday's plan (negative motivation) didn't work. Actually, that's not entirely true. I did start on the hardest part of the thing I've been procrastinating on. And made some significant progress on it. But I certainly didn't finish. And when it became obvious I wasn't going to finish, I decided not to stick with the "commitment" I'd made to send $ to a cause offensive to me if I didn't finish. The therapist who'd suggested this to me had explained a key component I ignored--giving her the check in advance so that if I didn't meet the goal, I knew the check would be sent. I didn't even write the check in advance, much less give it to anyone else. And I knew that I was trying to do it as a desperation move, without due deliberation. And finally, the reason I never tried it before is that I really didn't like the idea of negative motivation, even if it was effective. I mean, I'm fearful enough about this stuff (writing) without creating a system where the thing that is supposed to get me to stop procrastinating is fear. It's be so long since I've been in this much of a "stuck place." I'm feeling pretty low.