Wednesday June 30, 2021

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Just for today (until midnight), I'm commiting to not using unrelated media until I'm done with my eight hours of work.  My exceptions include: media used for exercise, PA-checkins, audiobooks/podcasts during downtime.

I need to stop this pattern of staying up too late.  I have set my alarm for 10pm.  My plan is to brush and floss my teeth at that time.  If I'm in the middle of talking to someone and it's not the kind of conversation one abruptly leaves, I can say, "I actually really need to go right now.  There is something I need to do."  That is the most I am going to say. If I'm in the middle of a tv show or movie, I can press the pause button and do my routine.  I just really need to get used to setting boundaries with myself. 

I have a problem with setting boundaries with myself around staying up late; and it affects my ability to set boundaries about *leaving* with other people.  And I need to get used to doing that.  If I'm playing an online game, and don't feel comfortable saying anything, I can just log out, b/c this is how important this is.  I'm honestly feeling just too involved with the whole gaming thing right now, and I want to pull the breaks on that so I recover my routine, and my habits and feeling physically comfortable.  I feel working on self-esteem before involving myself with others is pivotal. 

[12:12pm]

Done with breakfast and pills.  Sipping my tea right now.

[1:29pm]

I went on an online game just to block a bunch of people.  That was media usage.  I did it for peace of mind . After I did it, I realized I did not have to do it, b/c the probability of their contacting me was low . It was really about peace of mind so that I don't get contacted.  Part of me wanted him[*], but I cannot have that distraction in my life.  It's just not good for me.  My association with that person I spent time with on Sunday night constitutes my addiction.  I'm disgusted with myself and I'm angry that I do not show up better for myself.  I feel lonely.  My best friend was my mom for a long time.  She was always opportunistic, but now that I'm an adult, she sees me as she does other people that I can just do things for her or give her resources, which I cannot.  It's very draining to have a parent like that who basically has too many needs to fulfill and gives nothing.  She was always looking for a hand out her entire life, even when she was earning 150K in 1999.  It disgusts me so much.  I don't want to be like that.  I want to be financially successful, which is one of the reasons why I just want to end this case with the company.  I want to settle, and get whatever monies I can, to help me pay off my debt with the car.  

When I speak of wanting to have him, it's more of the fancying myself with someone, as opposed to really wanting.  But he comes with a great deal of personal baggage, and is not able to support himself.  Being fully self-supporting is one of the traditions that I practice, and I cannot be with someone who is not.  That's so unsexy to me.  I don't think he's a good model of how to be a human.  If I'm going to be with a partner, they need to be someone who is self-sufficient.  I thought about just annexing him as an "online" partner within the context of the game, but I recognize that he talks so much about his personal life (and puts a lot of it on me) that it's not possible to have a pleasant in-game relationship that doesn't involve his real life drama dragging me down.  I know I'm not thinking clearly regarding this person, so I'm doing the one-day-at-a-time no contact thing.  I feel so alone.  It feels unbearable, icky and gross. 

An object flew on my windshield of my new car yesterday, when I was deliberately driving as safely as possible.  I thought, "Maybe this is the universe punishing me for going no contact." But that's not the case.  Random things happen, I just need to deal with them. I've been in contact with the financier at my dealership to see if I can get coverage for future windshield randomness happening.  Good G-d, I thought I had every inch of this car insured.  Apparently, having the windshield insured is necessary, too.  I need to find out what it costs, whether it's possible to insure the windshield right now and use that insurance, and what the deductible is.  So apparently this is something folks deal with a LOT.  I never had to before, but I found a place that offers help with windshields straightaway.  I'm going to check the car out to make sure the glass is the only issue.

[07/01/2021]

I'm just checking in that I did indeed do the dental routine around 10pm last night.  This is helping me.  I did not however follow through on no media.