Monday June 28, 2021

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Just for today (until midnight), I'm commiting to not using unrelated media until I'm done with my eight hours of work.  My exceptions include: media used for exercise, PA-checkins, audiobooks/podcasts during downtime.

I need to stop this pattern of staying up too late.  I have set my alarm for 10pm.  My plan is to brush and floss my teethe at that time.  If I'm in the middle of talking to someone and it's not the kind of conversation one abruptly leaves, I can say, "I actually really need to go right now.  There is something I need to do."  That is the most I am going to say. If I'm in the middle of a tv show or movie, I can press the pause button and do my routine.  I just really need to get used to setting boundaries with myself. 

I have a problem with setting boundaries with myself around staying up late; and it affects my ability to set boundaries about *leaving* with other people.  And I need to get used to doing that.  If I'm playing an online game, and don't feel comfortable saying anything, I can just log out, b/c this is how important this is.  I'm honestly feeling just too involved with the whole gaming thing right now, and I want to pull the breaks on that so I recover my routine, and my habits and feeling physically comfortable.  I feel working on self-esteem before involving myself with others is pivotal.  This person I met with last night was an absolute shitshow.  He had a lot of problems going on in his life, and he was complaining about it to me, and I don't really know him.  I don't want to get involved. I don't think he's good for me.  There were quite a few scarlet red flags.  We were on a virtual date, and his ex-boyfriend showed up with his actual real life brother.  It was super awkward, but that's not even the problem.  The guy I was on the date with was blabbing about his life as a caretaker for his dying grandparents, and the odd predilection of his great-grandparents.  It didn't sound like he had his priorities straight.  He kept saying he wanted to move his grandparents into a hotel, which he would pay for, for a month, b/c his great parent would not let them do what they wanted at home. He mentioned not being available for a long period of time; he did not know when he would be available.  I know I did rightly by blocking him.  I'd like to remove him as a contact without creating drama.  I cannot deal with unavailable people right now.  I seem to have met a bunch of them. It's very annoying.  My own mother is not available for me, and saw my health appointment as a way for her to get a free ride to the hardware store and the food market.  Like as if I were driving six hours up north to have a health appointment, just to be her chauffer to the market.  It's like she sees other people as agents to do her favors.  It's really annoying.  She's always been that way her whole life with other adults.  But it's annoying b/c I needed her to be present for me, and she was not capable of showing up for me.  Speaking of all this, I should call the therapist directly to arrange a time to speak with her.  

[4:30pm]

Back from setting up the call with the therapist.

[6:09pm]

I am sipping my tea.  I'm thinking of the advice on the Daily Stoic podcast, "Do the hard thing first."

[7:01pm]

Still sipping my tea and avoiding outside media. I still feel so gross about last night and this morning.  There are parts of me that want to continue this whatever-it-is with this guy b/c I'm lonely, but I know I need to just take one day at a time, and practice no contact.  He's not a good role model for me, and I need good role models.  If I'm going to have a relationship with someone, they need to be going places; I need to be going places.  I know this is not about him, and that I need to just show up for myself. 

[8:22pm]

I put up some laundry.  I'm going to drink a cup of water, and start brushing my teeth.

[8:56pm]

Done with brushing and flossing my teeth.  Filing July 5 vacation day.

[06/29/21]

Just bookending on Tuesday to say that this whole thing of brushing and flossing really worked.  Technically I did it before 10pm, and then just didn't eat anything else.  But ended up going to sleep around 11pm or thereabouts, and woke at 7am, which is kind of amazing for me.  But I have to really stick to this thing of brushing and flossing at a particular time.

Also, I was pretty good with not using outside media (other than checking my personal email to confirm a therapy appointment and a minute on linkedin).

Morning

[x] intray

[x] read inbox

[x] text Monica

[x] car insurance

[x] text Suzanne

[x] prep banking

[ ] start accounts project

[ ] action tray

[ ] action email backlog

Afternoon

[x] walk - 3.5 miles

[x] banking and shopping

[ ] cross stitch

[ ] make soup

[ ] move bike to shed

Evening

[x] watch tennis

[ ] online committee meeting

This week's challenge

[ ] make solicitors appointment

[ ] prepare notes for appointment