Grieving a person I used to know....

Hello again all - I've decided to repost this from the daily forums to create a new special project for myself in order to try and reach a specific aim. I will be adding in the future as things become clearer. The last month or so has been hard as poor internet so I've been a lax attender whereas I did find some value in being reasonably regular here.  So here goes - -

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Monday 17th February - midnight

Grieving ideals, not yet distraught... 

Well I come to you all again as I come down from my 'high' of Denial.  I am going to fail two important career exams on Friday. Again (this will be third time).  I think i only have one more chance in july/aug on this training pathway before they'll kick me off.  But I'm not even so panicky like I used get - 'each' time my reaction is more like grief, letting go of a childhood dream, of an ideal of myself, of the image I have projected (and maybe been projected to some degree) for 10-20years. Its more than an image - I have spent my whole high school, two degrees and 4 working years to this 'dream', this 'idea', this version of me. Its heartbreaking in many ways to see drifting away this persona I have work so hard to keep the dream alive and achieve so much. I have worked very hard for significant periods of time.

But there is a another idea of me that is also in the way of my dream - someone who can come home from work and ENJOY life, to switch off.  My last 4 years have felt like every moment should be studying that is not spent at work. And the preceeding 4 years were spent always feeling guilty and not worthy if not studying. And to a point I could do that.   Then the point came when I couldn't keep up with that inner driving voice.

I struggle daily, sometimes every minute with my inner critic - it pretty much only concentrates on this area of my life now.  And it has tenure: my job is important (I'm an Emergency Doctor, peoples lives and the lives of their family and friends depend in many degrees on me).  I know I'm not dumb or stupid although I may not be as 'quick' as some of my colleagues. I make a good doctor (and good feedback from my bossess) and I honestly enjoy most aspects of my work. But I cannot seem to 'knuckle down' and 'just do it'.

And is it worth this cloud that is always over me, that wakes me from sleep in cold sweats with dreams about work, that never lets me enjoy relaxation time, that always taunts with the next skill - 'good enough' is NEVER enough - and maybe it shouldn't be if you're a doctor. Can I live up to that? Maybe -just.  Do I WANT to live up to it for the next 30years of work?  Do I honestly think that if I pass these exams, those stresses will melt away? NO - I know they will not - I will not know 'everything' or even 'enough'.  And what happens in 4-5 years time when I have to sit the next level of exams? And then become a boss with even more people depending on your assumed knowledge.  I can't imagine that my same habits of thought/my inner critic will be much better then when the expectation of knowledge and real life time responsibility is even greater. 

I refuse to feel a failure because deep down I know I'm not:

- I believe I am intrinsically valuable - my job and ability to 'contribute to society' does not dictate that 

- even though at I could have studied 'harder' at various points in time, its not that I've not worked or studied hard, it just hasn't been the 'right' 'hard'

- I know I am good at my job and I work hard

I'm not sure if its useful or not to be dreaming of a different 'me' - I would be good as a real estate agent, or a bookkeeper. Maybe outdoor education teacher or primary school. I have other skills or could develop them, I'm NOT lazy - I'm just twisted with my time when my upstairs inner critic is in full voice.

I have been to two psychologists over the years about these pressures and they've been very helpful in identifying why I do what I shouldn't be doing - recognising a deep fear, paralysis, expectation, surrealism. But those insights and various techniques haven't made much of a dint with this endeavour.

And its not a case of praying more and trusting more - I know that my higher power loves me for me and that maybe there will be no medals at the end to keep up with something that eats away at me ALL THE TIME.  

I get that there is reward and satisfaction for a job well done and making most of opportunities. I know we have burdens to carry and that its not about making life 'easy'. But I think this is a bit different - I don't think this deep battle I have has to do with laziness and structuring my time. It has to do with paralysis, and fear. Maybe I am not 'strong' enough for this - and maybe that's okay...

Is it time to cut my losses and walk away...? I'm not talking about sudden drastic changes:  I currently have a job I enjoy and that I'm useful in as a doctor.

So: I will sit the exam on friday - mostly since I'm being paid to attend by work as part of professional development leave. I will sit the exams again in August/Sept.  In the meantime, I will have 5 full on months of study to cover alot of material - it will be hard work.  I will have to figure out some way of getting useful accountability and be serious about it so that I can drown out this voice.

And IF that doesn't happen... maybe its time to start afresh in something new. It will be scary and unknown - is it a case of the grass is greener and will the same demons follow me through...?  I turn 30 in late December and will make a decision by then. Seems fitting.