Yet another rant wallow
I just feel so alone and cut off from people. Which is crap because I have lovely people in my life, but my mind keeps putting weird slants on stuff. Makes me believe that people are not what they seem or that they do t love me really. It just seems I am incapable of doing the things or making the changes that will make me happier. I just want to sit here and cry.
i have the best of so many worlds but I cannot appreciate my good fortune. Perhaps it's the guilt that colours my view. The guilt that I am not worthy of this life, my husband, my health. That I am not worthy full stop. I am so tired of fighting myself all the time. Of second-guessing all my actions, or of failing to do so when I should. When I just switch to automatic and turn the dial to self-destruct ostrich mode.
why can't I just be normal. Go and hang out while my husband helps a friend out. Enjoy the sun while it lasts. Instead of being holed up in this little dark office feeling upset? I just feel cut off. Like I am not part of that world that is sociable and relaxed. That I deserve to feel bad all the time and should pay for any good experiences I have. I dunno if I really believe that deep down or if I am just upset.
Perhaps I should dry out for a bit, then just get my sunglasses on and go knowing that no-one can see the puffy eyes under them.... :-)
thanks for listening. Depression never really goes away does it? Coz that's sure as hell what that sounds like. No responses needed I don't think as I just needed to be heard. Unless you feel you want to. It wouldn't have been the same if I just wrote it for my own eyes. There are few places where you can be honest and this is a precious place indeed.