Yet another rant wallow
I just feel so alone and cut off from people. Which is crap because I have lovely people in my life, but my mind keeps putting weird slants on stuff. Makes me believe that people are not what they seem or that they do t love me really. It just seems I am incapable of doing the things or making the changes that will make me happier. I just want to sit here and cry.
i have the best of so many worlds but I cannot appreciate my good fortune. Perhaps it's the guilt that colours my view. The guilt that I am not worthy of this life, my husband, my health. That I am not worthy full stop. I am so tired of fighting myself all the time. Of second-guessing all my actions, or of failing to do so when I should. When I just switch to automatic and turn the dial to self-destruct ostrich mode.
why can't I just be normal. Go and hang out while my husband helps a friend out. Enjoy the sun while it lasts. Instead of being holed up in this little dark office feeling upset? I just feel cut off. Like I am not part of that world that is sociable and relaxed. That I deserve to feel bad all the time and should pay for any good experiences I have. I dunno if I really believe that deep down or if I am just upset.
Perhaps I should dry out for a bit, then just get my sunglasses on and go knowing that no-one can see the puffy eyes under them.... :-)
thanks for listening. Depression never really goes away does it? Coz that's sure as hell what that sounds like. No responses needed I don't think as I just needed to be heard. Unless you feel you want to. It wouldn't have been the same if I just wrote it for my own eyes. There are few places where you can be honest and this is a precious place indeed.
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I am glad to hear you are feeling a bit better KF. And I am glad Hypatia is on hand with good responses. I favour the wardrobe in times of crisis/ overwhelming grief etc, it is nice to sit in there and be able to shut the door. Good luck with that phonecall..........
Wishing you all the best,
You have no idea how good it feels to know I'm not the only one with the hide reflex. Unfortunately, my wardrobe would not take my weight, so down the side of the bed had to do.
I was on Fluoxetine which I believe is a Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitor. But again, the choice of drugs/formulation/doses might have changed. I have inherited my mother's dislike of drugs in general, and luckily I am blessed with generally good health otherwise. I am even wary of presenting to the doctor with depression because then it appears in your notes and can make it difficult to get life insurance and stuff. (the humiliation of having my depression put in as an exclusion clause on the life ins for our first mortgage will always stay with me - although it's no more than any other pre-existing condition I guess)
I would however consider counselling, and more so Cognitive Behavioural Therpy. I am generally functional, I sleep a lot better now than I did when mum was ill, I eat well and find time to exercise. But the underlying feelings and issues are still there, and need to be dealt with a safe and professional environment. I tend to overreact to things, especially any sign of conflict. I find parts of my job almost impossible because of it. But knowledge is power, and so even knowing all this objectively can only help me.
My mother also suffered, and seeing some of her papers (as you do when you are clearing out a house - lots of things you'd rather not have seen sometimes!) I found that she had been working with her counseller regarding getting things done and being more productive. Almost broke my heart to see her having said that she had considered sucide but thought that it would have been too hard on me. I have long been aware of mental health issues and we did sometimes discuss it between us. I now believe she was also admitted to hospital for depression for a short while before I was born (voluntarily) This would probably be quite shocking for most people, but it kind of puts her behaviour into some perspective and provides some reasons behind the fact she was not always the most patient mother.
Thanks for the advice. Shall we open a book on how long it takes me to make an appt with the doctor? ;-)
@ everyone from KF
I am very sorry if caused everyone so much concern. I am always very touched when people I've never met in real life show so much compassion, sometimes for someone on the other side of the world.
I was very upset and down, but it did pass somewhat. I have been diagnosed with depression in the past, and was briefly on anti-depressants but hated the 'numbing' feeling they gave me. That was probably 10 years ago. But I have always been a little bit that way. I should really see a counsellor or therapist. I have the money, but it's a very big step, and like anything else - all the while you're (just about) functioning, you try put it to the back of your mind. It is at the root of my procrastination (and other things) i suspect and sometimes it spills over into much more sadness like it did on Sunday.
I have also been dealing with the passing of my mother from cancer which robbed her of almost every dignity and freedom by the end, including being able to speak. I was relatively ok when she died, probably because we had already mourned for each loss along the way. But death places unique demands on a procrastinator and dealing with the finances and selling the house is almost more stressful right now.
Thanks again for showing me that people understand if I just tell them how I feel. Even though my 'front' is more flawed than most people's, it's still a front. I'm not sorry i posted, but I am sorry to have caused more concern by not returning earlier to say I felt a bit better. It was a holiday here in the uk Monday, and then I work outside the house on tues/weds so find PA difficult to use. I will be back Thursday. I should also point out I have no wish to do myself harm in case anyone is worried. Thankfully my mood does not extend to that.
No wonder you are so down, having recently lost your mother and then having to deal with all her things and the estate. 16 months after my husband passed away, I still haven't sorted out all his finances, and they weren't even very complicated!
I'm glad you are feeling better. Just a thought about the depression thing. I had the same concerns as you about medication, but the newer antidepressants don't numb you, they raise the level of serotonin in the brain, and lift the mental state enough to be able to cope and to work on the issues that are causing the problems in the first place. Your GP may also be able to refer you for a short course of counselling on the NHS.
But above all dear Knitfisher, be gentle with yourself. We care for you.
hugs and love to you Knitfisher. That is really tough.
Depression never really goes away does it? Coz that's sure as hell what that sounds like
Maybe you need to highlight this point to yourself. I'm just slowly coming out of severe depression which started last year, and your description of yourself sounds so much like I was. I don't know if you've been depressed before or been on medication, and we don't need to know unless you wish to share, but please do consider whether your present state of mind may need medical/psychological help.
And hang in there - we're all rooting for you
Hi, I do want to respond. I identified with everything you wrote one time or another, so you are not alone. "Showing up" is a shift in the energy of the universe, even if that is the only thing you can do. I can attest to that.
Below is only article I ever found helpful in dealing with my self loathing, (I need t read it again as well,it does not come naturally, take what you want and leave the rest)
Ten Ways To Love Ourselves
Dear Friends on our
~ ~ STOP ALL CRITICISM
CRITICISM NEVER CHANGES
REFUSE TO CRITICIZE YOURSELF.
ACCEPT YOURSELF EXACTLY AS YOU ARE.
WHEN YOU CRITICIZE YOURSELF,
YOUR CHANGES ARE NEGATIVE.
WHEN YOU APPROVE OF YOURSELF,
YOUR CHANGES ARE POSITIVE
~ ~ DON'T SCARE YOURSELF
DON'T SCARE YOURSELF.
STOP TERRORIZING YOURSELF
WITH YOUR THOUGHTS.
IT'S A DREADFUL WAY TO LIVE!
FIND A MENTAL IMAGE THAT GIVES YOU PLEASURE
( MINE IS A WATERFALL),
AND IMMEDIATLEY SWITCH YOUR SCARY THOUGHT
TO A PLEASURABLE THOUGHT.
~ ~ BE GENTLE AND KIND
AND PATIENT ~ ~
BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF.
BE KIND TO YOURSELF.
BE PATIENT WITH YOURSELF
AS YOU LEARN THE NEW WAYS OF THINKING.
TREAT YOURSELF AS YOU WOULD
SOMEONE YOU REALLY, REALLY LOVED.
~ ~ BE KIND TO YOUR MIND
SELF HATRED IS ONLY HATING
YOUR OWN THOUGHTS.
DON'T HATE YOURSELF
FOR HAVING BAD THOUGHTS.
GENTLY CHANGE YOUR THOUGHTS.
~ ~ PRAISE YOURSELF~ ~
CRITICISM BREAKS DOWN THE
PRAISE BUILDS IT UP.
PRAISE YOURSELF AS MUCH AS YOU CAN.
TELL YOURSELF HOW WELL YOU ARE DOING
WITH EACH AND EVERY LITTLE THING.
~ ~ SUPPORT YOURSELF ~
FIND WAYS TO SUPPORT
REACH OUT TO FRIENDS AND
ALLOW THEM TO HELP YOU.
IT IS BEING STRONG
TO ASK FOR HELP
WHEN YOU NEED IT.
~ ~ BE LOVING TO YOUR NEGATIVES
YOU CREATED THEM
TO FULFILL A NEED.
NOW YOU ARE FINDING NEW,
TO FULFILL THOSE NEEDS.
SO, LOVINGLY RELEASE
THE OLD NEGATIVE PATTERNS.
~ ~ TAKE CARE OF YOUR BODY
LEARN ABOUT NUTRITION.
WHAT KIND OF FUEL DOES
YOUR BODY NEED TO HAVE FOR
OPTIMUM ENERGY AND VITALITY?
LEARN ABOUT EXERCISE.
WHAT KIND OF EXERCISE CAN YOU ENJOY
AND TOLERATE ACCORDING TO YOUR ILLNESS?
CHERISH AND REVERE THE TEMPLE YOU LIVE IN.
~ ~ MIRROR WORK ~ ~
LOOK INTO YOUR EYES OFTEN.
EXPRESS THIS GROWING SENSE OF LOVE
YOU HAVE FOR YOURSELF.
LOOKING INTO THE MIRROR.
TALK TO YOUR PARENTS AND LOVED ONES,
LOOKING INTO THE MIRROR.
FORGIVE THEM TOO.
AT LEAST ONCE A DAY SAY:
"I LOVE YOU.
I REALLY LOVE YOU"
~ ~ LOVE YOURSELF ~ ~
DO IT NOW!
DON'T WAIT UNTIL YOU GET WELL,
OR LOSE THE WEIGHT,
OR GET THE NEW JOB,
OR THE NEW RELATIONSHIP.
AND DO THE BEST YOU CAN!
Decided against going
I decide against going in the end. There's now someone there I don't really like and I don't think it would be helpful to get annoyed at him right now. Currently sitting down between the wall and the bed (can anyone say place of safety?) am a little annoyed that my husband don't really respond to me saying that I'm feeling a little sad. But there's quite a few people there so he's probably massively distracted. He got up very early yesterday for me and stood around in field and got sunburn. I guess I should just let him eat on with whatever today. I know marriage isn't based on transactions like that, but it's a hard mind-set to get out of.
What to do? I have bags of stuff to go through from mum's but I'm not sure I'm in the right frame of mind. However you could say I already feel awful so might as well do something unpleasant... That's random logic for you. I think something useful would help me feel better about myself. So maybe 15 mins useful, 15 mins knitting or origami or something nice. Rinse and repeat. We're talking crisis plan here. To pull myself out of the little hole i fell in without realising it til I was in floods of tears.
peace everyone. It's the struggle and the pain that makes you realise how strong you are. That's not a crappy motivational picture on FB. It's what the last year has taught me. I'm sure there are people who would be shocked to know that hiding on the floor beside the bed crying is sadly within normal behaviour for me. But I am who I am because of everything that has happened and goes on in my head. If I were different, I would not have the same compassion or the same strength. And I should never wish to be anyone else.
You are not alone. I know I have seen my home from many strange angles during times of great despair when I just lied on the floor. One friend of mine used to go into her closet and hide under the clothes.
I'm so sorry you are there right now. Sending kind thoughts and virtual hugs to you right now. I agree with you- re: struggle and the pain...makes us who we are, gives us compassion for others etc.
One quote I love is from Emma Thompson:
“Its unfortunate and I really wish I wouldn't have to say this, but I really like human beings who have suffered. They're kinder.”
i wish I could just come and sit next to you on the floor next to your bed. Sometimes I think that when one is down it is sadness that helps - sad poems, sad songs, beautiful ones but sad. Being surrounded by good cheer can be the worst, but with sadness and sad thing ther can be a sense of less aloneness. I listen to Schubert's Winterreise. my thoughts are with o you, dear, compassionate Knitfisher.
((knitfisher)) I'm sorry
I'm sorry you're feeling like this. Come back and hang out in chat so we can keep you company. And do something nice, forget useful, useful is for tomorrow. Knit. Walk. Watch your favourite movie, whatever it takes.
I did two out of four. Knit and watch fav movie (Finding Nemo) I also did a little useful, but not too much. Thanks for the advice and concern.