Still struggling with master thesis and guilt
feb. 28th, 2013
Hello, I was supposed to finish my thesis by decembrer and I didn't, I have been given an extension, but my thesis director quit due to my constant procrastination, so I am now also faced with the task of finding a new director, which is what im working on these last weeks. I try not to beat myself up for that. I just couldn't follow with my ex director's quick rythm of work. I try very hard not let that fact makes me feel inadequate or worthless. However, what is really bothering me inside is that because I wasnt able to finish my thesis by last august, I had to reject a scholarship that I was granted (around last july, when I still thought i would finish by august) to study what i really like, and the best, it was abroad. For me it was like my BIG chance to move and meet a new place, new people, and start a new career, a new life doing what I really enjoyed. And i rejected it, i let it go. I can ask for it again this year, sure, but Im stuck with my thesis and I have until may to graduate if i want to do the paperwork to apply (I cant apply if i dont graduate from this master). Obviously I also rejected my admission to the university (twice, in august and december) and well, im basically throwing away these great opportunities because i cant seem to move on with this degree, which I understand, because i dont like it. But i need to finish in order to move on to what i DO like and love, and still, i get stuck every 10 minutes. Days and weeks pass and although ive made small progress, it seems i need to finish a full draft, at least 3 chapters, in like one month if I want to be able to apply to the university, get the scholarship and finally (after 10 years of studying what i dont like) studying what I now know i do like. And also i need to take in count the fact that it is not a sure thing i will be given the scholarship again after I voluntarily rejected it last year. Guilt and frustation and despair have been the latest feelings these past weeks. I so want to move on, but it seems i keep sabotaging my dreams myself. I want to think I can finish this thing, but can i finish it by the actual deadline? I really dont want to let go this opportunity this year. I cant stand another year postponing what i consider is my dream career. I started this career path 10 years ago to please other people, I never actually asked myself if I really liked it until recently. I already feel a lot of guilt for that, and i dont want to add to it the guilt of letting go AGAIN this chance of changing career paths and my country of residence. I just hope i can manage to get out of this degree any way i can and by the deadline. I'll keep checking in to achieve that. I still have at least march. I'll try at least keep the hope for this coming month. Thanks PA.