Sometimes Someday Never Comes...
I used to have lofty aspirations & ambitious goals in life. I had resolved to kick Murphy S. Law in the teeth; but, alas, ultimately that's what he's done to me - not without my help, of course. I think to be able to accomplish most anything you have to have something motivating you. Either a fear of consequence that nips your heels driving you from behind and/or a reward impelling you forward. I've decided that my pursuit in life thus forward will be preparing for my death or rapture, whichever comes first. I'm not rushing either one. I'm fairly certain you can't rush the rapture, but who knows?
Whenever I've endeavored to finally get my life on track, I am, in the cruelest of ways, derailed. Usually due to a mess of my (but not entirely) own making. I've heard it preached that satan & his minions have their sights trained on us Christians & I'm sure Murphy S. Law is taking up the slack for the rest. I just can't fight anymore. I don't plan on planning anymore other than day-to-day stuff.
Very early this morning I was almost overcome with an illness I thought would send me to the emergency room. I wondered if I might die. I then thought that I don't have the money to go to the ER, much less die. I also pondered who might be dispatched to come to my place & have to sort through the awful state of affairs I'd left things. Not to mention that my place has pockets that are a biohazard. I told God that even though I would prefer to die, I just wasn't prepared to.
God let me wake up today. I'm surprised He let me escape a trip to the emergency room that I might never get paid back. So with this new lease on life I've decided to prepare for the day when I go to meet the Lord or He comes to meet me. I want the dignity & assurance that before it ends I've taken care of the loose ends.
I said all this to say that whenever you've seen me I've tried to be encouraging & upbeat. I don't feel like that anymore. Maybe this change will be noticeable, maybe it won't. I don't know if this will be a permanent thing, but I just feel like being left alone now. I do have one primary goal I will be working towards as I've stated above & that will be a major motivator. My only one.
I have also heard it preached that procrastination is the deadliest & worst thing a person can ever "do". I've seen the terrible truth of that more times than I care to count. All the tomorrows I'd put off came back and smacked me in the face, hard, yesterday & many, many other times. As I look back over yesterday (and many other things) & think about what I could have done differently I see that I was a day late and a dollar short, but it might as well have been ten years & a million dollars. Too little, too late is just that - too little & too late. Sometimes someday never comes...
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I'm thinking of you
It's difficult to find words that won't sound hollow, although I like Movingalong's "solidarity" too. We will stand quietly, silently, beside you.
Thank-you for your thoughtful & comforting words. It is good to know that at a time when I feel so alone that you & others are thinking of me & have taken the time to reach out to let me know that.
I need to add that when I said, "... I just feel like being left alone now.", I meant I would not be feeling very talkative in Chatbox & would probably just keep mostly to myself. I'm sorry for not being more clear on this. Honestly, I'm not thinking clearly right now.
Thank-you all for the encouragement and kind thoughts. It's difficult to feel anything other than despair at this point.
@ Spazz Ma Tazz
I know you want to be left alone.... and here I am .... poking my nose in.... I hope you take this in the spirit which it is intended, which is just to make contact.
> I said all this to say that whenever you've seen me I've tried to be
encouraging & upbeat. I don't feel like that anymore. Maybe this
change will be noticeable, maybe it won't. I don't know if this will be a
permanent thing, but I just feel like being left alone now.
You sound sad SMT, but is ok to be sad. You dont have to be encouraging and upbeat.
>I've also heard it preached that procrastination is the deadliest &
worst thing a person can ever do.
It is a terrible, destructive thing that we do to ourselves, it is true. But is it worse than murder, or hurting other people or stealing from them?
There was something else in your post that bothered me,
> God let me wake up today. I'm surprised He let me escape a trip to the
emergency room that I might never get paid back.
Perhaps I did not understand right, but you think god would normally prefer that you get into debt?
You are very harsh on yourself SMT, in my view.
Reply to Hooch
Perhaps, I should have elucidated that I meant being left alone in the Chatbox or also in regards to comments depending on the comment. I would like to address several things in your reply.
Yes, procrastination is THE deadliest AND worst thing a person could ever "do". Worse than murder, hurting other people, or stealing from them as you queried. Whatever you've done to people, you can try to make amends for it if you take that opportunity. (Notice I said try as I realize some things are indeed egregious. Also, truly heinous offenses are committed by abominable individuals who wouldn't even try to make amends and frankly couldn't.) In this life, there is time to forgive & be forgiven only if you don't squander that time. Not to mention the unbearable guilt of not having told the people you love just how much they meant to you in this life and then finding out they are no longer here. That guilt is exponentially compounded if you were not on good terms & were just about to make the first move to reconcile.
And most importantly of all is the deceptive thinking that the day of salvation is tomorrow or the next day or the next when you may never get that tomorrow & are ETERNALLY damned for want of a tomorrow, a day or two or three. II Corinthians 6:2 "... Behold, now is the accepted time; behold, now is the day of salvation. NKJV
Something else you said was, "Perhaps I did not understand right, but you think God would normally prefer that you get into debt?" No, I do not normally think God would prefer that I get into debt, but in case you couldn't tell from the tone of my lament I am at the point of preferring death to life due to some extraordinary events in my life. The only reason I carry on is because I have to. Other people depend on and care about me, the state of my affairs borders on deplorable, & I'm uncertain as to whether or not people who commit suicide will still make it into heaven. Right now, I am pretty upset with God.
No, I am not harsh on myself & even if I was it is deservedly so. I would have appreciated a more encouraging response as opposed to what I feel was a lecture or someone just trying to make contact as you indicated. However, I wish you all the best regardless.
I am very sorry my post came across as discouraging. That was really was not the way I meant it. When I re-read it tho, I can see how you could have picked up that way, so I do appologize for how my words came across.
I did want to make contact with you, so that you would know that someone was listening, and was sympathetic to what you had to say, and I suppose I did want to pick up some points, but I see I did not manage it the right way. I am very sorry if I caused you additional knocks in an already difficult time.
I am sorry to hear of the regrets over not having had time to make it up with people as you would have liked. That that must be so painful to live with. I see you are in a dark place. Is there anyone around you who can give you help? A doctor? A therapist? A minisister?
I apologise again if this intrusive, or has a lecturing tone (sometimes i give lectures, probably the tone has got ingrained). Despite my sometimes clumsy words I wish you the best, really,
Thank-you for listening. I initially thought you were trying to be encouraging, but just couldn't see much of that in your first reply. I understand we are all human & this humanness thing of being imperfect lends itself to much clumsiness, among other things. I suppose I might qualify for an advanced degree in awkwardness myself (not trying to slight you, just saying I relate). No, I do not feel intruded upon. I really appreciate your concern. Thank-you for taking the time to better express that. You don't know how much it helps & means to me.
I have been through MAP - Member Assistance Program at least one time that I remember for sure, possibly twice. A service where some employers offer three sessions with a trained counselor to their employees, free of charge, during times of crisis or difficulty. That was many years ago. After that, I went to a Christian counselor to recover from one devastating loss only to stop going after suffering another equally devastating loss. Two years after that happened, I summoned the courage to see my personal physician for depression & was prescribed antidepressants which worked at that time. I stopped taking them when I no longer felt I needed them. Last year at this time, I was near a break-down, isolated, & feeling alone. I again had to summon the courage, this time, to call my church for counseling. I met with the associate pastor who gave me free counseling sessions & prayed with me. I have also participated in a very loving, uplifting, & encouraging online Christian fellowship, not to mention the wonderful fellowship here. Now I find myself, indeed, mourning yet another loss. So yes, to long-windedly answer your question, I have pursued many avenues for help & healing. However, it seems as the though the more & harder I try the worse it gets.
There is a ray of hope though. Almost at the exact moment I was going through my deepest turmoil, a good Christian friend called me out of the blue. Not only that, but I had it in my heart & was thinking so hard that I desperately needed to get ahold of this person. I know he prays for me often & has been through similar things. I just couldn't fathom why God would arrange to have this friend of mine call at the precise time I needed him, but not help me avoid the pain & loss I am suffering right now in the first place. I think what I could really use is a time machine. I suppose for a procrastinator that is ironic.
I have have enjoyed fellowshipping with you in the past & am relieved you were not offended by my stern tone. I do not want to lose talking with you in the future.
And thank you SMT, for accepting my apology. A reminder (once again!) that the written word can be treacherous. I wont go on about this, except to reiterate that I wrote the original post in a much gentler tone than it came across. And I am sorry to have caused you upset. 'Advanced degree in awkwardness' I like that, I have my moments in that area :-).
I am glad to hear that you have had people to support you in the darkest times. Truly you do not have your troubles to seek. That is great about your friend phoning you up out of the blue. Amazing!
Maybe Someday never comes, but I really hope that a better day will come.
Yesterday I also felt like giving up
I don't know about your circumstances and I don't wish to compare, but yesterday I had the sinking feeling that I should just give up on my goal. My life in the last ten years have been filled with too little too late and disappointments all around. I may not be the right person to tell you not to give up, but I just want to tell you that today I have a little bit of hope again - mainly thanks to the people here. Take care of yourself!
Thank-you for your kind sentiments. They are appreciated.
I was searching for the most perfect uplifting thing to say, but that would take all day. So I thought it better to reply right away with one word:
Thank-You to Movingalong
Even though I said I wanted to be left alone in my post, I was thinking more along the lines of the Chatbox. Thank-you for not letting that stop you & for the "word" of encouragement.