this god-awful mess
Funny, as i sat staring at the subject line for a while, feeling my heart-rate increase, breathing grow ragged, and all manner of twitchiness begin, I remembered why I took the name "mustichoose?".
So much is clamoring for expression...can you sometimes feel the pressure of thoughts...or maybe that's oxygen deprivation.
I'm not writing this from a padded room. I've not been destroyed by this disease. I have been throttled by it, sometimes violently but usually subtly, gently, almost tenderly. I resonate to the model that says that some part of ME is protecting me from something; keeping something from me; not forcing/allowing me to face something. Rather vague, I know, but when I try to live too much, the knot tightens in proportion to my struggle and pulls me back to safe stillness.
Good grief. Life isn't as bad as all that. But I would like to stand and stretch, walk about and see what's what. I've self-limited for far too long. I'm looking for a reset button...
I realize this site, like any twelve step group, is here to provide a place for US; the us that Bill W., Dr. Bob, and others recognized as our best, last, and, for some, only hope: one "fill in the blank" talking to another.
So...who am us, anyhow?
Over the years I've identified myself as a christian, a heathen freak, a Buddhist, an atheist; I've taken the role of husband (several times), and father (even more times); acknowledged myself to be an addict, alcoholic, adult child, codependent; been diagnosed deppressive, ADD, OCD.
And each and all of these roles and definitions apply or work for me, more or less, alone and in various combinations and emphases...and the struggles and successes I've had, the survival and recovery I've experienced have been important but the damn leash/noose is still there!! And procrastination,-- the procrastination that is "me" and "task" being magnets with like poles, the harder the task or I push the more difficult, frightening, impossible it is to engage--runs through all of it.
So I've been searching out a unified field theory for the threads of my life...and I've said "aha! this is it" before, and changes are made, life does lay a bit lighter across my shoulders. But unless I figure out how to live for 800 years or so I need to quit with the pruning and get to the root!!
This rant brought courtesy of me deciding to check-in, trying to check-in, giving up and checking-in here. (gotta be as devious as my disease)
My list today consists of:
1) getting plates on my vehicle now that the second and final extension has run out...of course, I have had all the paperwork and $$ since the end of first extension whooshed by.
2)going to see my therapist. I managed a call after the first bout of hyperventilation...progress.
Thank you all whoever you are. And pro for shepherding me in here.