Procrastinators Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from chronic procrastination.

this god-awful mess

Funny, as i sat staring at the subject line for a while, feeling my heart-rate increase, breathing grow ragged, and all manner of twitchiness begin, I remembered why I took the name "mustichoose?".

So much is clamoring for expression...can you sometimes feel the pressure of thoughts...or maybe that's oxygen deprivation.

I'm not writing this from a padded room. I've not been destroyed by this disease. I have been throttled by it, sometimes violently but usually subtly, gently, almost tenderly. I resonate to the model that says that some part of ME is protecting me from something; keeping something from me; not forcing/allowing me to face something. Rather vague, I know, but when I try to live too much, the knot tightens in proportion to my struggle and pulls me back to safe stillness.

Good grief. Life isn't as bad as all that. But I would like to stand and stretch, walk about and see what's what. I've self-limited for far too long. I'm looking for a reset button...

I realize this site, like any twelve step group, is here to provide a place for US; the us that Bill W., Dr. Bob, and others recognized as our best, last, and, for some, only hope: one  "fill in the blank"  talking to another.

So...who am us, anyhow?

Over the years I've identified myself as a christian, a heathen freak, a Buddhist, an atheist; I've taken the role of husband (several times), and father (even more times); acknowledged myself to be an addict, alcoholic, adult child, codependent; been diagnosed deppressive, ADD, OCD. 

And each and all of these roles and definitions apply or work for me, more or less, alone and in various combinations and emphases...and the struggles and successes I've had, the survival and recovery  I've experienced have been important but the damn leash/noose is still there!! And procrastination,-- the procrastination that is "me" and "task" being magnets with like poles, the harder the task or I push the more difficult, frightening, impossible it is to engage--runs through all of it. 

So I've been searching out a unified field theory for the threads of my life...and I've said "aha! this is it" before, and changes are made, life does lay a bit lighter across my shoulders. But unless I figure out how to live for 800 years or so I need to quit with the pruning and get to the root!!


This rant brought courtesy of me deciding to check-in, trying to check-in, giving up and checking-in here. (gotta be as devious as my disease)

My list today consists of:

1) getting plates on my vehicle now that the second and final extension has run out...of course, I have had all the paperwork and $$ since the end of first extension whooshed by.

2)going to see my therapist. I managed a call after the first bout of hyperventilation...progress. 


Thank you all whoever you are. And pro for shepherding me in here.


Nodding in recognition


Reading your intro, I found myself nodding in recognition. Our stories aren't the same, and yet we're both locked in the same types of endless, tedious struggles. I loved your line about searching for a "unified field theory for the threads of my life" -- if we could just understand whatever is tormenting us, then we could escape it, eh? BTW, if you're looking for more "aha!" moments, the Procrastination Equation (book) is a good way to generate a pile of them.

About the fear/loathing that pummeled you when you tried to do a check-in... You aren't alone! Just keep in mind that no one here is judging you or condemning you for checking in too late, the contents of your check-in post, skipping the check-in for several days in a row, etc., etc. That mocking, mean voice you hear, if there is one (and I'll bet there is!) -- that unfriendly voice is coming from inside of you, not from anyone here at PA. The people in this community are respectful, caring, and supportive. They get it. All of it. You are not in this alone.

OK, I have to do my morning check-in now. Ick. Best of luck to you today and in the days ahead...


Thank you

We are not alone. Can't hear/say that enough!

And, as everything does, the fear, panic, and self-loathing passed once I was able to allow it to---to let it go.

I'm so glad to have found this site and all of you fellow-travellers. I read P E (during the week or so while pro (whom I have not yet grown weary of thanking!) verified my existence. The aha's I gleaned from the first reading were part of this morning's moment. And I just received my copy of Too Perfect. I've got a couple of hours while simmering and skimming the stockpot to begin reading.


Oh, and I did meet with my therapist, had a meaty session, then legalized my vehicle!

Thanks again for reaching out