Greetings one and all,
I've lurked around PA for a few months now, even called into a few morning check in meetings. They helped a lot but I didn't keep up with it.
I have a terrible problem with procrastinating ... especially at work. I surf and I surf and I surf and I read articles and I follow links and I lose myself online for hours and days and weeks instead of working. It is terribly painful and destructive but I can not stop. Sometimes I love surfing, sometimes I hate it.
Anyway, I am in a different 12-step program as well. Started in December last year. It is going well. I was at a big book meeting last night and we were reading the chapter To Employers, and I read this:
"He may wish to do something for other alcoholics and something of the sort may come up during business hours. A reasonable amount of latitude will be helpful. This work is necessary to maintain his sobriety." (p 146)
I have been very resistant to doing any recovery work online (I have such problems online, I just so wanted to meet with people in person). But reading that passage last night, I was struck with the idea of using email and this forum. I believe it is the right thing for me to do at this time. I do have SOME latitude at work. Normally I use that latitude to surf my life away, but as I mentioned, that has become unbearably painful and has been for years now. So now I am going to try to use the latitude I have at work to talk with other addicts.
So that's my story. Thank you so much for being here. I try to talk to people in my other program about this procrastination/compulsive surfing stuff, they are generally understanding and empathetic, but most just can't connect with me deeply because they don't have the same problem, circumstances, etc.
I should also mention I also procrastinate outside of work, thought I don't feel as terrible about that stuff in general. The one place that it's become dangerous is with my car. My ABS brakes need to be repaired. I didn't get it done last winter, and now we have had our first snow storm (upper midwest, USA) and I still am very far from getting it done. There is a mechanic that was recommended to me very near to our office, I still haven't gone there. I have the money for it, too... Alas.
Again, thanks for hearing me, I look forward to connecting with people here. I am going over to the daily check in thread now.
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Pleeeease Fix Your Brakes
Lately I have not felt like coming onto the Procrastinators Anonymous site as often as I usually do. I used to spend the bulk of my free time in the chatbox to help me get marginally useful things accomplished. Then I suffered a terrible loss. I wrote about it in a post called Sometimes Someday Never Comes... I'd rather not elaborate on it, nor did I elucidate what it was in my post as it is highly sensitive & personal to me.
Please, please, please get your brakes fixed ASAP. I don't want you to have your own sometimes someday never comes story or worse yet; to inflict a terrible, highly avoidable tragedy on others, particularly any children, due to your own malfeasance / nonfeasance. If you do absolutely NOTHING else, please do that. It's one thing to be the victim of your own neglect, something else entirely to subject others to it. The two most precious things in this world are time & lives because, once lost, you can never get either back. I ask you to think on this.
Your comment just reminded me that I need to have the tread on my tires evaluated. I've been sliding some on wet roads, and the memory of that always escapes me once the drive is over. I WILL have that looked into ASAP and will report back. Thanks so much for the reminder.
Your Welcome Piqued
Hope you saw my last reply to you on the whole wait/weight thing. It was late & you were probably heading home from the office at the time. :)
Finally fixed tires!!
Finally got the car into the shop. Inside of front tires was down to secondary rubber, meaning that the next step was having steel bands show through. Replaced both tires. So relieved to have it done before the weather gets any worse. Thanks, Spazz Ma Tazz, for lighting a fire under my butt about this.
journal entry 12/17
I am struggling terribly today. ON mondays i am assigned to post social media posts for work. It is so difficult to get back to my other tasks once i've done some surfing and posting on facebook. I just got sucked down the rabbit hole terribly for hours. And I HAVE MAJOR DEADLINES WEDNESDAY MORNING THAT I MIGHT NOT HIT. This would be major disaster. I cannot afford to blow a whole day surfing the internt. I've [practiccally given up the idea of getting anything done today. I am feeling shame, guilt, embarrasment, fear of getting caught, chastised, fired. I am feeling self loating, self pity. UGH. I have tried meditating, praying, everything. I feel so powerless and overwhelmed and screwed.
*texted a friend. wrote this journal entry. was able to salvage a couple hours of solid work here at the end of the day.
Good Job Andy
That is great that you were able to save those hours. I imagine my words as being very flimsy compared to how you are feeling, but please don't beat yourself up. I've been sucked into that whole gamut of emotions that sucks you into an endless self-defeating cycle.
Take things one step at a time. Breathe. Then take another step if you can. Don't forget to breathe some more, lol. Take one more step. Breathe again. Keep repeating. I saw this on a website I like to surf when I'm procrastinating: "Yard by yard, life is hard. Inch by inch, life's a cinch" by Anonymous. I hope those are not trifling words, they are not meant to be.
Please take care of yourself.
andy b journal entry 11/27
Woof. Struggled today and yesterday.
I've been justifying unmanageable web surfing by thinking about how hard it is to get back into the work groove after a holiday.
Plus the content of the sites is itself a sort of justification.
I will continue praying on this. I do wish I had more contact with people suffering the same problem.
Productive day today.
I did some surfing right when i got in today.
Doesn't help that i'm back to eating breakfast at work.
Doesn't help that i slipped last night in my other program.
Anyway, now that P is working weird hours, i might be able to get back to an earlier evening schedule again. I am so unsatisfied at home by myself. The compulsion to watch tv and engage in my other addictive behavior has been strong lately.
I have prayed about it and I am resolving to hit my knees upon arriving at home in the afternoon/evening and startng the night with a prayer. Hopefully that will energize me into having some serenity at night.
Anyway, I'm grateful for a productive day today, despite the trouble I've been having in the evenings.
Looking forward to spending time with L, earning money to donate to this website :)
When i get my life in order at work, my addict, my disease pops up at home in the evening. When my home life is going well, it pops up at work. Something to notice.
journal Wed 11/14
Had a good productive day. Good thing, because I am on a tight deadline.
Did some surfing, lost an hour or two surfing compulsion/addiction books, web sites, etc.
That is a tricky topic for me bc I have some latitude for doing recovery work; I think I will have to pray for guidance on the issue.
Taking sacred pause and saying a quick prayer seems to be helpful way to get back on track and get into a work burst.
i'm new too, sounds like we're in good company. i'm still figuring out how to use this site wisely and not use it to procrastinate more and - well, faff, not sure where that word comes from, but i got it from dissertation websites, and i'm unfortunately, very familiar with FAFF. it is indeed a four letter word.
Thanks hdmom, Yes i
Yes i looked up faff and it definately describes me.
Regarding using this site to procrastinate, I guess since finding something in the big book that talked about helping others, I figured that if I was going to be procrastinating, I might as well channel it into talking with other addicts.
After only having been active on this site for 1.5 days now, I can see that that's definately not what people come here for. And I am fearful of triggering others with my posts. What to do, what to do . . .
Anyway, thanks for your response and your valuable insight.
I believe I will use this thread to post a journal-type entry today about my struggles and successes.
Today, day one of using this site, was a good day for work. I got a lot done, indicated on my daily check in post.
I also went and got a salad for lunch instead of eating gross ramen noodles again.
I did experience some real desperate feelings of loneliness and strong craving for immediate gratification, especially in the morning and early afternoon. I sent some emails out to people in my other program and checked my email about a thousand times, craving their replies. I also checked this site a bunch, craving response to my threads. I also went in and blundered around the chatroom without any real understanding of what goes on in there. I feel like I wasn't using that tool the way others use it.
But really I have at least 40 minutes left, and I am bored to death. I don't know if I should do one last little thing or what. I guess I will. This is a time when I would normally engage in some major surfing that could lead to me staying in the office way too late.
I believe I will clean my desk. I see a few things that need to be filed, and a couple items that need to be returned to another room.
Note, I am so grateful for this site. But I will have to be careful to use it in a way that doesn't screw up other people's programs. I don't see people talking about triggers much, but it seems possible to trigger other people. And I know I was almost triggered today by learning about resources to look into.
It is nice to read your introduction. I am new here too. I can really understand the procrastination / compulsive surfing problem very well.
I wish you well with your work tasks and with the car task. (I hope that doesnt sound patronising or anything, it is not meant to.)
Onward and upward,
Thanks, Hooch! Today was
Today was a good day. Got a lot done at work, and didn't surf!
Also, Hooch, what is
what is faff? i'm a little scared to ask.
Faff is indeed a scary concept. It describes the compulsion to straighten the bookcase, pick lumpy bits off the wallpaper, sharpen all the pencils, read articles on the internet, make unnecessary cups of tea, and all other time-wasting activities which lead one down the path to lack of progress and despair. Be afraid, be very afraid.
Well done on getting stuff accomplished today!
I love your "faff" definition. Really made me smile. Humorous hooch, although it so seriously affects our lives. Good attitude.
Good luck with all your aims, wishing you minimal faff,
Wishing you a good day too. Down with faff.
Thanks for the reply Be
Thanks for the reply :)