So angry with myself...

Hello Caroline. I just wanted to say that I totally understand what you're feeling. I have a master thesis due soon too, so far since I handed in last sort of draft in june, which had way less words than the minimum required, i havent been able to write a single word. I´ve been 3 months with excuses with tutor, I even have had several appointments with tutor and graduate dept. director, in which they have asked what the hell is going on with me haha and why i dont make any progress. Honestly, I dont say much, I just say Im doing the best I can, and it's hard for me to write, period. Everytime a new deadline approaches (i keep promising I will hand in SOMETHING every 2 weeks, it hasnt happened so far) I experience so much panic and helplessness, that in order to calm down somehow I want to believe i can write a whole chapter in 2 days, but when i do that, i usually get sick with stress. Then I go to a 12 step meeting or clear my mind with exercise, and i come back to reality: I cant write half a thesis in 2 days. Now, instead of beating myself up and thinking im irresponsible or immature or stupid or whatever, instead of hating myself, recently i've tried 2 things, both with myself and the people I usually let down (ie advisor and such): acceptance and negotiation. And one day at a time. I accept I cant write so much in so little time, I accept that I might get naggings from tutor, I accept i might even be threatened with being kicked out of the program. But i also accept that I have the possibility to negotiate with them. If they force me to hand something in, I hand in an edited chapter with some minor changes. If they allow me an extension, then I do the best I can, even if its writing one new page, or anything. Or nothing. Some weeks I just go there and ask for a new extension. They get furious, yes, but they allow it in the end. And I accept that from this day on, I have the possibility to write something. I forget about the chapter, and think in terms of reading one reference article, writing one line, working 5 or 10 minutes (with timer, preferably). Thats manageable. Then I ask for an extension, as many as necessary and as many as tutor can stand, and focus on tiny accomplishments. I havent been kicked out so far. Tutor is very angry and thinks im irresponsible, yes, but hey, she's still there, and she can think whatever she wants, I know who I am, and I know I dont procrastinate because Im lazy or I want to. Thats all that matters. Today is a new day and I have the hope that i can work on my thesis 10 or 15 minutes. I have faith i will make it. If i keep coming to PA. And you can too. Keep coming :)