I just joined the site. I’ve never been in any kind of help
group like this, so I want to apologise in advance if I say or act
inappropriately in some way which I have a habit of doing.
I’m 40 this year and I’ve been a procrastinator for as long
as I can remember. I under-achieved at school, at work and in my personal life,
all because of it. I only ever held down a job by finding ways to cover-up my
lack of work, which caused a lot of stress and guilt. I broke promises to
others and myself. Life was far from ideal, but I always used to cope. I even
used to joke about it with friends and work colleagues who claimed to feel
That was until a few years ago when a few traumatic events
occurred in a short timeframe and things went downhill rapidly until I reached
where I am now – jobless, broke, relationship in trouble and now under genuine
threat of homelessness. I don’t know anybody else who could be in such a poor
state and yet continue to lack the drive to repair the damage, and yet that’s
where I am. My mail goes unopened, phone unanswered, and rather than spend even
so much as 5 minutes applying for jobs, I will waste time doing anything at all
that’s of no consequence. Even with my landlord giving me notice to quit my home,
I did nothing to find an alternative until far too late. I’m under psychiatric care
and on medication, or at least supposed to be, because of it.
What I can’t communicate to anyone is, that it’s not straightforward
laziness or even apathy – I desperately want to fix things, I want to get a job
– even at the exact moment I skip past the job websites and go to surf
something meaningless, hating myself as I do it. I’ve never felt so imprisoned
and alone. I don’t even believe myself anymore when I say I’ll do it later, not
that it stops me from telling myself exactly that. I don’t believe the excuses
I make as to why it really isn’t the right time to do whatever I need to do,
although I still make the excuses.
I hope that I find an answer here…
Thanks to anyone who bothered to read this far, and I’ll try
to sound more cheerful next time, I promise !
Now I just need to dig properly into this site, without switching on the tv.