Monday 20th August 2012

My
second deadline was today (Tuesday). It's now 3:10 AM, just sent the paper to
my professor by mail (it would probably be more appropriate to send it during
working hours).

This paper is not a work of
art, to say the least, but I'm happy. I did it somehow. I've learnt a lot from
the process and realized what a big problem I have. I hope I'm on my way to
recovery and I understand that it might take time, but as long as I'm making
progress I'm fine.

I felt a little bad because for
2 days in a row I sent the kids for 6-7 hours every day, so I can get some work
done (this also costs money). Although I know they were in good hands and had a
great time I feel guilty as if they are also victims of my procrastination and
so is my husband because also he's not getting the attention he needs . 

I've noticed that in order to
feel worthy I take upon myself more than I can handle which justifies putting
life on hold until task is completed, but it's never completed (being a chronic
procrastinator), which makes me feel unworthy to enjoy the good in life until I
finish. ahh, what a vicious cycle. It gets worse the closer the deadline (not
eating properly, not bathing, though this time I made sure the house was maintained
on a basic level - dishes, laundry, putting stuff back to place but I can forget
about such luxuries as spending time with loved ones and a vacation is only
something I can dream of). Luckily enough my children cannot allow me this type
of self-concentration and need my warmth and attention, so I have to take
occasional breaks from this self-destructive behavior.

 I also noticed that the
more I get closer to a deadline the more my mind switches into survival mode.
This means time binging, food binging, not showering, no morning prayers and
writing, very little sleep and zero ability to make a plan (because there's no
time). 

Plan for tomorrow - I have to
see in what state I'll be when I wake up in the morning, because I have just
about 2-3 hours of sleep. Still have 2 more papers to hand-in in the next month.
Realistically it's a goal I cannot achieve, no matter how hard I work. I'll
have to figure this one out. I'd like to be able to build a realistic schedule
for them, but haven't got a clue how to do that and I'd like to stand up to
some commitments I've been putting off, because of the deadline.

I'm thankful to God, for
showing me my character flaws and helping me to slowly learn to accept them and
be happy and relatively serene, just at this present moment.

Good night my dear PA friends

Bad.

Electric got disconnected this morning first time ever in my life. I feel like one big fool. 

Anyone doubting this is a serious addiction/disease? Look at me. I'm all the proof you need.

Thank God public assistance paid for 1/3 of my bill, less than I had hoped, but enough to restore my service in 24 hours. I don't know where I'll be sleeping tonight. Not sure I'll be able to handle the heat so who knows. 

I'm in Starbucks, on laptop with phone charging. I feel ill. I hate my wealthy parents for letting me go down the drain. This I will never forget. I know as a Christian I am supposed to forgive, but I just can't right now. 

I have to try to focus here in Starbucks somehow and apply for jobs first, then write so I have enough money to avoid another disconnection of my services. 

And I haven't even dealt with the late rent yet. 

I thought I hit bottom 2 years ago. No, didn't realize it was a long, rolling bottom that was going to hit like this now. What I went through then apparently wasn't enough. 

Now that I have poured out my own personal pity party, I just want to thank any PA'ers here for your presence. Dont let this addiction drive you to the bottom like I did. Thanks for listening. 

Hello, everyone!
I'm so frustrated that I can't make myself to read the textbooks that I need to read! Does anyone have the same problem? I enjoy reading fiction but textbooks... Ah..
Ok, I'm going to do:

1. Shower
2. Wash my hair
3. 10 pages!
4. Bathroom
5. Wash dishes

Show up (done). calender

Powerless but not helpless.

MORNING PRAYER

God direct my thinking today so that it be divorced of self pity, dishonesty, self-will, self-seeking and fear. God inspire my thinking, decisions and intuitions. Help me to relax and take it easy. Free me from doubt and indecision. Guide me through this day and show me my next step. God give me what I need to take care of any problems. I ask all these things that I may be of maximum service to you and my fellow man in the name of the Steps I pray. AMEN

(p. 86 BB)

Today I will: 

Write: 1 down, 13 to go

Apply to jobs

Read apps and fill them out

Read website info

Write out questions + directions

Go in person to apply

Get lease copy

DVD workout

Bible/pray

"If you feel you're about to drown, remember Tool 1 and Break .. It .. Down"

Up early, plan for today: 

• fill out the p/s form
• LR - 20/6
• RC - 21/1 (1, 2)
• Review: LG 24 (1 more to go), RC 21, 22, LR 29
• Pharma/Vac (done with both) - start v/q
• Visit w/p/s
• tags
• go to bed before 11 pm