The heavy toll of procrastination
Hi, I'm powerless over my procrastination habit.
My procrastination has affected my finances, relationships
and my self esteem (or maybe my low self esteem has caused the problem). From a
very young age I remember myself as a quitter. Anytime I faced difficulty of
any sort, the easiest thing for me to escape the issue, but things would always
get more complicated.
When I studied towards my bachelors degree I just couldn't
face the final papers. After graduating, I planned to fly to the US with my
husband for his studies in Boston, and stayed behind to finish writing the
papers, while he flew on his own. But I actually did nothing and joined him
later in the US after a couple of months with a strong sense of failure, but
could do nothing but ignore the problem. I signed up to another University,
this time in the US and once again just couldn't make it through to the end.
After 10 years I asked my first University if I could complete the degree. They
agreed and I managed to finish it 14 years after starting! It was an almost
impossible task and if the professors weren't generous enough to give me one
delay over another I would once again fail. Procrastination has also affected
my career. I would waste lots of time on the Internet or focus on unimportant
jobs. I always kind of pulled things through but could never build the career I
2 years ago, after my second child was born, I quit my job,
because I was not getting anywhere and was about to get fired. I signed up for a
masters degree in Communications. It has been just a few weeks after I gave
birth to my second child. It was a disaster. I was a new discipline which required
taking 2 introductory courses. One of them I had to repeat 3 times, just
because I didn't hand my papers in on time and this time the professor wasn't
so understanding. I finally got through this course. Now I'm finishing the
second year which should have been the last, but I will have to take another
year because the courses I failed.
Now, I need to write a seminary paper and two smaller papers
this summer and I'm just powerless. It's not that I don't try. I gave up on a
summer vacation with the kids (ages 22 months and 3 years) and send them off
every day to a caretaker in order to write my papers (paying a nice sum of
money), and I find myself just getting into anxiety attacks and escaping mostly
to the Internet (Facebook, emails and news) and feeling guilty and horrible.
The first paper was due 2 weeks ago. I received an approval
to hand in the paper late, but I've passed that date as well. I wrote about 10%
of the paper. My professor asked me how much time I need and I don't even know
what to tell her, because it's not really a matter of time. I have 2 more
papers to hand in. One at the end of August and the third at the end of
September. It's true the kids don't leave me much time to work. But I know that
they are not the problem. And if I didn't have a problem I could pull it
through with the kids.
In the past year I joined the 12 step program for
Co-dependency (CODA). It has been a great help in my life and in my healing
process. I searched the internet (as part of my procrastination problem) and
found this group. I think it would be good to focus my healing on procrastination,
because most of my anxiety and powerlessness these days is around my papers.
I have a great sponsor for CODA and recently I've started
sponsoring myself. I would love to find a sponsor that deal specifically with procrastination.
Is there a way to find one? Any advice would be more than welcomed.
Thanks anxious and powerless Ronit