I can’t afford professional counseling right now, so
hopefully I can use this site to get help.
Sorry about the length, I get too verbose when it’s about myself.
I have been a programmer for over four years, mostly working
at an office that was 40 miles from
home with a toxic employer, but still managed to produce quality work. 6 months ago I got fired from that company (good
news). The excellent quality of my
previous projects created and extremely good opportunity – my dream job. Which entails working **95% from home** for a
prestigious group of individuals in my field, which would allow me to learn a lot from them, and be
introduced to all the right people.
You’d think I would be extremely motivated to have my “dream
job”… but my feelings don’t match my
logic. Similar to, how I know the only
thing that will make me feel better is working, but still can’t seem to do it consistently.
I keep screwing it up by procrastinating, which gets me
anxious, which then gets me paralyzed in a pattern of unhealthy thoughts, and
unable to work at all. The "at
home" is a problem, but it's all in my head. Even with no distractions, timeline scheduled
perfectly, and nothing else to do but work, I might still be stuck. Sometimes once I manage to "break
through" I can work diligently and get in a good place, but every new
project I have is another start of my anxious/paralyzed procrastination
cycle. It is making me go insane and be more
depressed. I recently had to pass on a
project already assigned to me that I
was stuck on, not because of difficulty but just because I was paralyzed. I feel that I am on my last leg at this
opportunity. If I could just work… I have the skills required, it’s not easy, but
that’s why I like it. Need to find out
how to stop myself from continually falling into this same rut.
I’ve become unable to be responsible with alcohol, weed, or video games lately. Which has forced me to
attempt quit all three completely. But relapses
occur occasionally. I never used to have
major problems with these. Somehow
completely sober with nothing to do but work I still manage to sleep, or get myself
into an unhealthy thought pattern instead of working.
Throughout my life I have always known what the “right”
decision was, and waved at it as it passed me by.
I have chronic tardiness.
I feel depressed for no reason. For a while I thought I was manic
-depressive, but I’m not depressed when there are no responsibilities on my
Lately, I am thinking chronic procrastination is the root
of my problems.
-- Contentment (from past accomplishment)
>> Easy/proper schedule
>> procrastination and unhealthy actions
>> unhealthy thoughts/actions
>> massive cramming to get done on time --OR-- quit/failure
Right now I should have enough time to work when I schedule
it, and still have time to do other things I enjoy. Instead I end up doing literally nothing.
Thanks in advance for your attention and support!!