Monday February 27, 2012

Ok, half measures availed us nothing...well, they got us half-way there tho, right? 

Spent 2 hours sorting

5:45 clean kitchen,

6:30 TEA AND REST

7:00 dINNER FOR j AND MYSELF 

dining room

cat litter box

bedroom/laundry down

laundry/finish sorting

check back in

feng shui computer area? Phone call at 9

Ready or not here I go! 

Please do not leave advice or feedback.  Thank you.  Prayers welcome. 

I was totally obsessing about what to say to my former sponsor regarding the dating site last night.  I don't think she's a good outreach call person for me.  I should've seen or rather, now I do see, that I can only really be with someone who IS romantically anorexic or understands what it's like to be romantically anorexic.  Because normal people in my program don't always understand that we anorectics need to use a dating site in order to find dates.  I have been trying to formulate my words in a way that is diplomatic, so that I can leave her a message telling her I have no intention of quitting dating sites permanently, but why am I doing it?  Mostly because I don't think I can make decisions right now because I'm stressed b/c of school and work, I think I need more friends than dates, I want to deal with this academic thing that has contributed to feelings of low self-worth, I want to get out of my rutt of contacting folks periodically who are merely friends, I want to act in a dignified manner, I feel like I need more friends in program to bounce things off of, I do n't have a regular sponsor I can work with surrounding dating or getting current, it's winter.  I do not like to date very much during winter.   I had a crush on someone I did not want to have a crush on.  He wasn't the only person I had a problem with, not that I even have a problem with him, he's just a person, he never asked for me to be obsessed with him.  There are other folks whom I spoke to consistently who were not really available to me and I wanteed to get out of my rutt of talking to those particular people, but mostly it's the school thing, working needing to get done, my needing to attend to my priorities in P.A. program, which is something I felt I could do better if I were participating in fewere THINGS.

My recovery is not about avoiding dating sites or doing things out there, my recovery would look like my feeling comfortable in my own skin and not caring what other people think of me, regardless of whether or not I'm on a dating site.  I spend very little time there overall.  I have accounts that last maybe 3-5 to 14 days at most.  I probably spend altogether a month or two on the dating site per year, so I'm definitely not one to stay.  My deal is that I pick up and leave and I do not think it's as my mom says that I am just avoiding what I "know in my heart is not good for me."  That's crap.  It's more like, I've never been a person who has dated, who has been dated, and so it feels weird for me (though I have gone on 16 first dates and had anorexic relationships).  I've never even been a person who flirted, because of my upbringing with my mother who was very very very religious and conservative anda opposed to any of that behavior whatsoever, and completely against dating or having any fun at all until work is done.  So I think my behavior and fear is just an internal response to that trauma and also my own anxiety about rejection, which is is actually a lot better than it was before.  I have gotten very used to asking people out on dating sites and getting rejected there, I can do that.  Certainly if my sponsor were to give me advice on how I could date offline, I would apply it into my curriculum, but I don't really see her offering any feedback or support in that way.  And I don't think she is obliged to give that level of support since she's not my sponsor right now, moreover, whatever support she's willing to provide is up to her, but I don't see that happening.

About to take work first call for the day, and I havent even prayed up or planned ... HP be with me!  Back after with my commitment list.  Thanks for the starter, lennon and .. Happy Monday everyone!

Back with a plan: Congratulate myself and thank HP for what I accomplished already: prayer/pets/program/personal care, breakfast, swept the back walk, did some food prep, put away groceries, straighted the kitchen, tried out a new web tool, tried out my new iPad, quality time with J, crafted a difficult email and sent it, had a great work call and typed notes well, dealt with a few incoming emails, and processed some stored Inbox emails. Whew!  That's a pretty productive morning!  Next up:

DONE! Lunch
DONE!  Prayer for the afternoon
DONE  Decide about cat (another week or IV, or say goodbye?)
DONE! Finish dinner prep
DONE! Edit paper for A
DONE! Telecon to calm A for conference
DONE! Download scripts from P
Find contracts for Proj B and respond to JY
Figure out how to get JY the webinar recording
DONE! Do two microbursts on clearing emails
DONE! Dinner
Walk doggie, weather permitting
DONE! Pack dinner, leave by 5:30 to meet H
DONE! Stepwork and dinner with H
DONE! Meeting
Step 10-11 by 10pm
1 round each of my 2 fave games
Asleep by 10:30

Checking out: I need to reschedule these tasks I did not get done today: Download scripts from P, Find contracts for Proj B and respond to JY, Solve the webinar recording tranfer to JY - also not getting to my bedtime Stepwork or sleep on time tonight...zzz...

-Physics
-Math
-Physics recitation
-Optics workshop
-Do ONE optics problem from hw #4
-Do ONE optics problem from hw #2
-Email Sam
-Look at Physics hw for this week
-Update calendar w assignments/tests
-Cancel appointment w career center
-work on putting clothes away for clearing out/up goal

I was early to work :) but it was because I didn't go to the gym :(.

I'm still recovering from this nasty cold.   I spent Saturday and part of Sunday in the bed but on Sunday I started to feel better and actually got out and bought a few groceries, cooked dinner, and did the dishes.   I still don't feel that great but I am at work.   Today's short todo list:

• Manage the commute to and from work without causing any accidents
• Prepare agenda for noon meeting
• Find someone to be in charge of noon meeting so that I can skip it
• Do at least some work on Project O - getting lots done on this today!
• Do at least some work on Project M - sticking with Project O for today since it's going well
• Avoid getting bogged down in non-project admin type work today
• Mope around office with slightly martyred air all day, then leave early
• Stop by post office on the way home to mail check

That's doable.   I've been avoiding soda lately but today I'm allowing myself diet coke and ginger ale. 

Update 6:30 pm - I am home, and actually got a good bit done on Project O.  Maybe I should spent more large chunks of time (with breaks) on one project.   But then, if I'm not sick, I will probably get bored.   We;ll see.     

"Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter.  Try again.  Fail again. Fail better." - Samuel Beckett

Show up (done), calender, basics

Today is a new day and a new start to change the things I c an. Grateful.

Still ill and need to do what is essential today

Done:
Up prayer and reflection
Back to bed
Checked emails, posts and post

Todo:
Send rent to landlords - this is important
Tidy a little and sort a little and don't make more mess
Prayer and reflection
Bed and sleep

anything else is a bonus today

Regards Rexroth

Good Morning! Not quite sure what the day will look like. Haven't posted in daily check-in in awhile. And things hve not been good. Doing the daily check-ins and checking things off my list gives me a sense of accomplishment no matter how few or trivial those things listed may be. So here I go again starting today.

Make coffee

Take dogs out

Get a shower

Brush teeth

Get dressed

Take D to her appt

Get to work on time

Never sure how to handle the unexpected twists and turns of the day. I am always left feeling upset and the day seems to get away from me when things don't go as planned. Seems difficult to regroup and recover when things change.