On the edge of giving up
I'm tempted to just drop out of school and do something with my life that will allow me not to want to die when my addiction beats me. This is too much. If I don't get better soon, I might have to face the fact that I may never and I may die an underachieving, depressed, broken man. Why fight it? I'm tired of the emotional rollercoaster ride. I have been trying to get better for 26 years but I am so sick that I don't think I will ever get better. The one last ditch effort is testing myself for ADD. If that doesn't work and I have to live with this, I am seriously considering dropping out of school and trying something else. Either I get better or I don't... and if not, just let me live an underachieving, menial, happy life... please. I am tired of wanting to die because I am up studying for the last minute for a test. I know there are tougher life problems out there, and I know I am lucky, but I am so sick of people telling me how smart and how great and how much potential I have when this fucking disease just pisses it all away? I can't deal with it anymore. I can't deal with towering disappointment and self-loathing. I am on the brink of giving up and just accepting the fact that I am never, ever going to get better. Why fight it? Why want to die when I motherfuck myself like I did for this test? I'm over it. I can't hate myself like this anymore. It's not worth my life.
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I reach this frustration point way too often and I'm so tired of it too. I hope you have someone like a counsellor at school to talk to. And do check into the ADD thing. I am now doing that. I am also trying to get an adhd coach from a non-profit organization with a sliding scale. I feel like coaching may handhold me into making better choices and then build up my self-esteem from nothingness. Please take good care of your self. You are in good company here - we know how bad this problem can feel, but we are cheering you on. I say that with hopes that my brain will register some hope too.
I am so sorry you are feeling so awful.
I can't tell you what the right thing is to do. It is possible that school isn't right for you, or isn't right for you right now. Or that it is right for you but you haven't yet found ways to approach it that work for you. Only you can decide that.
But whatever you decide, do NOT give up on yourself. You are a worthwhile person, you have talents and strengths and unique qualities, and you deserve a good life.
I hope you will keep posting here and let us know how you are doing.
Be kind to yourself, and take care,