On the edge of giving up
I'm tempted to just drop out of school and do something with my life that will allow me not to want to die when my addiction beats me. This is too much. If I don't get better soon, I might have to face the fact that I may never and I may die an underachieving, depressed, broken man. Why fight it? I'm tired of the emotional rollercoaster ride. I have been trying to get better for 26 years but I am so sick that I don't think I will ever get better. The one last ditch effort is testing myself for ADD. If that doesn't work and I have to live with this, I am seriously considering dropping out of school and trying something else. Either I get better or I don't... and if not, just let me live an underachieving, menial, happy life... please. I am tired of wanting to die because I am up studying for the last minute for a test. I know there are tougher life problems out there, and I know I am lucky, but I am so sick of people telling me how smart and how great and how much potential I have when this fucking disease just pisses it all away? I can't deal with it anymore. I can't deal with towering disappointment and self-loathing. I am on the brink of giving up and just accepting the fact that I am never, ever going to get better. Why fight it? Why want to die when I motherfuck myself like I did for this test? I'm over it. I can't hate myself like this anymore. It's not worth my life.