Time out and not thinking
Time out and not thinking
Taking advice so kindly given by movingalong on Thursday last, 27 October, I took some time out today. I had thought of a retreat for a week sometime next year but I needed something more immediate and as there was nowhere I could think of going for the day or even half the day I stayed home. It was surprisingly easy not to be distracted and this morning I spent 2-3 hours relaxed and not trying to work things out but surrendering and letting guidance come to me.
What I received was:
Before I went abroad I had planned the life I wanted and could see that over the last few years I had taken many positive steps to achieve this. I had also written a list of things I wanted to do to move forward when I came back.
When I had been abroad I had considered this list and felt that there was something missing. I could not think what it was. When eventually I stopped thinking and trying to work it out I realised that it was not something else that I wanted to do but something different. It was a change in the way I did things. The pattern I had of life was to be attracted to something and then to spend a lot of time thinking about doing it. Sometimes I did not actually do the activity at all, at other times I started to think I should do the activity, demand resistance set in, and I became paralysed and stressed out. I then tried to force myself to do whatever it was. Somewhere I had forgotten that I had once enjoyed the activity or wanted to do it.
The origin of this way of being, thoughts, emotions, and behaviour I knew well. It originated in childhood where I had been subject to many anxious expectations by my parents. I could not fulfil their dreams and no one could. In respect of writing I found this difficult as I was dyslexic. Dyslexia was not recognised at the time so I was called lazy and bad. Knowing an origin is fine but I needed and need to be able to move on. For me the most helpful way of thinking about the issue is that I learnt to be in a particular way which did not and does not work and with which I was and am unhappy and I can learn to be in a different way.
Bullying myself does not work and having friends/acquaintances who bully me does not work either.
My problem is how to learn to be in a different way which means being kind to myself and this is about the most difficult thing I can do. I have achieved some things since joining PA and my next task is to list these and see how I succeeded in doing them.
and that is as far as I got this morning
I would welcome any comments, guidance, advice, criticism etc.