Time out and not thinking
Time out and not thinking
Taking advice so kindly given by movingalong on Thursday last, 27 October, I took some time out today. I had thought of a retreat for a week sometime next year but I needed something more immediate and as there was nowhere I could think of going for the day or even half the day I stayed home. It was surprisingly easy not to be distracted and this morning I spent 2-3 hours relaxed and not trying to work things out but surrendering and letting guidance come to me.
What I received was:
Before I went abroad I had planned the life I wanted and could see that over the last few years I had taken many positive steps to achieve this. I had also written a list of things I wanted to do to move forward when I came back.
When I had been abroad I had considered this list and felt that there was something missing. I could not think what it was. When eventually I stopped thinking and trying to work it out I realised that it was not something else that I wanted to do but something different. It was a change in the way I did things. The pattern I had of life was to be attracted to something and then to spend a lot of time thinking about doing it. Sometimes I did not actually do the activity at all, at other times I started to think I should do the activity, demand resistance set in, and I became paralysed and stressed out. I then tried to force myself to do whatever it was. Somewhere I had forgotten that I had once enjoyed the activity or wanted to do it.
The origin of this way of being, thoughts, emotions, and behaviour I knew well. It originated in childhood where I had been subject to many anxious expectations by my parents. I could not fulfil their dreams and no one could. In respect of writing I found this difficult as I was dyslexic. Dyslexia was not recognised at the time so I was called lazy and bad. Knowing an origin is fine but I needed and need to be able to move on. For me the most helpful way of thinking about the issue is that I learnt to be in a particular way which did not and does not work and with which I was and am unhappy and I can learn to be in a different way.
Bullying myself does not work and having friends/acquaintances who bully me does not work either.
My problem is how to learn to be in a different way which means being kind to myself and this is about the most difficult thing I can do. I have achieved some things since joining PA and my next task is to list these and see how I succeeded in doing them.
and that is as far as I got this morning
I would welcome any comments, guidance, advice, criticism etc.
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To Rexroth: re: a different approach, kindness, creativity
Have you read the book "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron?
It's about learning creative joyful spiritual ways to get through blocks. You don't have to be an artist. Living life is in itself an art.
Each chapter has creativity exercises. There is no right or wrong way to do them. She does suggest a certain method of journaling every morning. If you feel demand resistance, then you could adapt her methods to work for you, imperfectly. Take what you need and leave the rest.
I see that she now has an online course, but you don't have to purchase that.
Most people just buy the book and work the exercises on their own for free .... or with a group of friends.