Procrastinators Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from chronic procrastination.

Wednesday April 6, 2011

I pray for the willingness to be willing.

fudoshin: HELP : 3:57pm

Please do not leave feedback or advice.  Thank you.  Prayers welcome. I highly recommend you don't read this.  I do not want to know that you relate; I know many procrastinators relate to this.  It doesn't help me.  What I need is recovery.  Not solidarity.


I know it says "help," but that's really for my Higher Power.  I am not asking for help from anyone else.  I am terrified about my life.  I am freaked out beyond belief.  I ... am having difficulty just forming sentences.  I don't want to talk to my counselor b/c they'll prolly just recommend drugs, which is not what I need.

I am barely well already.

I am freaking out.  Freaking out.  I am destitute.  I have put myself here.  I am the cause of this, and yet, I cannot do anything about it, I feel like.  I'm freaking out, and it's not a good use of my time, but I can't help it.  I am finally realizing that nothing matters, nothing I've done the past two years of my life matters.  I feel like a total slave.  A slave! marching orders I've taken from nobody but my own inability to face up to reality, do anything about my situation, et cetera, et cetera.  This sometimes feels like one long binge of cruising.  It's like I paid 6000 USD just to binge and cruise and not really do anything with the best years of my life.  I feel like I've totally wasted the past seven years of my life.  I mean --  I have had some good points, but most of it has been a waste, and I've f*cked up.  So so much.  It's like I really have no self-esteem whatsoever.  I treat myself with no respect.  I cannot sleep at night.  Well, I do treat myself with SOME respect.  But I feel like I've gone completely crazy.  I've gone to the complete extreme of this addiction in terms of the seventh sign of compulsive procrastination ("We are acutely aware of what we should be doing, or think we
should be doing, and oddly out of touch with what we actually want
and need.").  But I need to have a healing.  It's like I don't know what to do in order to get it.  I feel like there is no help out there for me, no real sponsorship available.  I have told people in my twelve step programs about this addiction and they have the same problem and have NO idea what to do about it or don't wish to work the program of PA (which is perfectly fine by me), because it's just too difficult an issue for them to work with right now, and that's fine, totally fine, OR they just stare at me as if I'm a crazy person, like, "WTH is wrong with you?  Why wouldn't you just do what you need to do?   You're a logical person; why wouldn't you do what is logically recommended to you?"  As if "doing," were a matter of "knowing," or as if I even "knew" what to do.  I am constantly in the position, as a result of my addiciton to procrastination, of not knowing what to do, and isn't just that ...  I've lost track of reality to the point that --

My addiction has set in so much that I no longer know what's important anymore.  I don't know if I set my standards for myself too high or what, but I feel like I am unable to cope with reality.  There are only certain things I feel like I can do.  Some people drink alcohol in order to get through grad school in math.  I felt like that at one point, but now math is easy for me, and writing is hard.  I feel like I have to act out in this addiction and my sex addiction in order to get by.  (Yet here I am writing a freaking page about how I can't write a freaking page.)  I'm perfectly capable.  "I just don't want to," they say.  They don't know what procrastination is about.

I was at another twelve step program meeting yesterday and I got MASSIVELY triggered b/c the format of the meeting talked about how procrastination is "fear of failure."  Procrastination is not fear of failure, it's much, much, much more.  Procrastination can be caused by many fears: fear of failure, fear of success, fear of being imperfect, or fear of being overwhelmed due to supposed impossible expectations.  It does not even have to be a fear.  Procrastination can be a mechanism of passive aggressive exertion.  Procrastination can be just an addiction to relieve stress and pressure.  Procrastination can be a learned habit that one participates in for no other reason than because she is oriented to it.  Procrastination can be social avoidance: e.g. "If I avoid these tasks, then I can avoid ever dating or being in a relationship, because I am eternally unready for one," et cetera, et cetera, ad infinitum.  Procrastination is a way of retaining a lifestyle.  And it isn't always a negative thing.  What matters is how I use the addiction.  I use the addiction to perpetuate & facilitate self shame.

And I can't deal with it anymore.  I cannot deal with feeling inept.  I cannot deal with not wearing any decent clothes.  I can't deal with not having money to buy food.  I can't deal with feeling like I'm at everyone's whim for where my food and clothing is coming from simply because I'm too afraid to go against other people's anger.  It's an utter disappointment for me that I've worked so hard in my life to not quite do things (I know that's a split infinitive).  It's like I know all sorts of things about literature and words, but I cannot get into a grad program in English, b/c I f*cked up my transcript beyond belief.  Or maybe I didn't. Who knows?  Maybe some English department someday will believe me that Procrastination is a real addiction and that I'm not just lazy and that I am bipolar/borderline/dissociative/socially anxious, etc.  I'm certainly not going to write *that* in an essay.  I have tried the prescription drugs, and the drugs haven't helped me, and yet, I would gladly take them and abuse them, because I'm an addict.  It's an unfortunate and disturbing paradox.  I realize my anger toward my counselor is really part of my overall resentment toward the mental health industry that the way to resolve issues is to drug people.  Drugs don't cure procrastination.  They don't make you do everything you have to do.  I've tried them.  They can't change me into being the person I want to be.  The only way I've changed is through faith, action, working a program, taking one day or one hour at a time, having fellowship with other people, and exchanging recovery, personal choice, personal decision-making, and having other people in my life.  Drugs are not part of my recovery.  Drugs are part of my dependency.

Rexroth Check In

I've been away. I need to be back. I am here. It is late evening nearly midnight so I won't be getting much done now but I thought I would not put off posting until tomorrow as I did yesterday and the day before.

Rex! wb!

I've missed your witty and inspirational posts.


Self-improvement is the name of the game, and your primary objective is to strengthen yourself, not to destroy an opponent. Maxwell Maltz

welcome back Rexroth

Glad to see you back!

(Rexroth) Good to have you back


Welcome back Rexroth!


glad you are back.

katia 4.6

Woo! Plodding through the week. Didn't get math hw done though :/

Things to do today-
-Vitamins & #1 #2 #3
-#1 #2 #3 #4 #5 #6 #7 #8 #9
-4 math problems
-3 math problems
-Read 1.1-1.5 in quant textbook
-Look at quant problem set
-Look at math for friday
-3 math problems for friday
-put photos on computer

kromer 1:30 CI

ok, having a hard time focusing today.

I've done some stuff (met w/ rotons, started sample prep, checked on expt, went to bike shop) but have also been doing a lot of surfing.

Main tasks for today are:
*Emails (Foy, passport, figure, MK, probes, protocol, comm. mtg)
*genotyping gel
*Finish sample prep
*Submit samples, update lab nb
*Maureen SOP and work on data
*Finish bike repair

OK, starting with maureen SOP/lab nb


Work 8AM-5PM: 

-Figure out fix for low c (test low r, test high r, test add c)

-Deal with 1 issue [DONE]

-Deal with 2 issues [DONE]

-Deal with 3 issues [DONE]

-Deal with 4 issues [DONE]

-Deal with 5 issues [DONE]

-Deal with 6 issues 

-Deal with 7 issues 

-Deal with 8 issues 

-Deal with 9 issues 

-Deal with 10 issues  

After Work 5PM-Sleep:

-Document stuff for insurance

-order postcard thank you cards

-finish spreadsheet of c products 

-fix hole in garage


-make key copy

-buy more contacts 

Journey Wednesday

Progress on getting to work earlier = not so much. I was 15 minutes late today. On the positive side, I did pretty well working from home yesterday. I used instant boss and pretty much stuck to the intervals. I checked in here whenever I felt I was getting off track. I felt that I didn't accomplish as much on my project as I wanted to, but it wasn't because I didn't try.

Today is full of meetings but I've been on task and working hard between meetings - I'm not real good at that so I'm happy.

Have a great day!


Self-improvement is the name of the game, and your primary objective is to strengthen yourself, not to destroy an opponent. Maxwell Maltz

Hypatia's check-in 4.20pm

Beautiful starter picture.

I've just arrived at my desk after another hectic day, so am not going to get a lot done here!

Plan for the rest of the day

  • write today's reports today
  • read documents for tomorrow - no time, already an hour late going home


Scribbler's Hump Day CI 8:59 a.m.


  • Get up at 6 (7 today)
  • Make bed
  • Exercise
  • Coffee, paper
  • Check-ins
  • Healthy breakfast
  • Sightreading practice


  • Update Quicken
  • Email TE re: parking spot
  • Query 
  • Music marketing
  • Call 3 re: cruise
  • Call 3 re: M3
  • Draft Monroe piece
  • Request 3 insurance quotes //


  • Healthy lunch
  • Do 1 BN - M3
  • Voice lesson
  • Rewrite pricehike
  • Send TH photo ideas
  • Work on taxes


  • Run - hills
  • Merle's b'day w/RB
  • Rehearse w/RB
  • Read, relax
  • Bed by 10:30

hope4meandu day 3 here; day 10 at work

fudo_shin, brilliant starter, thank you!!!

HI!! This amazing woman rescued Goldie the cat & he's in our spare room, YAY!!! Miracle!!! He's a boy, got all his shots, was already neutered, got some medication, etc., but his face is an open wound (sorry for the horrible image). He also has feline aids. I'm hoping to get him to a vet, because he must be in a lot of pain. I have had awful experiences with cats, so I'm frightened of him. He bites & scratches, and I'm hoping this is mostly due to his condition.

Thankfully, also I started a spending chart as of 4/3, through all my previous receipts out and, once again, am starting new.

To do:
-call Ms. W, update order
-order from GG
-change order
-email C if I did something wrong
-cancel Saturday?
-call Av
-email or call Y
-email group for a free cat carrier, if possible
-call Mom
-call Bat
-call Liz

-going to Citibank to close account

Wishing you all a day full of willingness!!

♥"Careful the wish we make, wishes are children. Careful the path they take, wishes come true..." From "Children Will Listen," by Stephen Sondheim.♥

wednesday goals


Goodmorning everyone!  My goals for today:

  1. take care of stuff on desk
  2. input decisions
  3. figure out overall responses
  4. go to therapist
  5. clean out fridge
  6. straighten up house 

best to everyone as they work through their goals today!

 having a rough day today with a lot of foot traffic and more interest in the web than work.  having a visitor for a tour today sometime between12-3 so i'm not inclined to to much apparently.  I'd like to revisit some of yesterday's motivation. 

didn't manage anything on my list :)  not the first time for that, though.  My afternoon meeting was so late that i had to cancel my appointment and then the person finally emailed at 3:45.  I got really angry because they waited about 8 hours to let me know they hadn't hopped in the car that day and then i thought, man, sounds like a procrastination problem to me. 




great article:


My Day Today

I want to thank my Higher Power for this program, this website, the telephone and online meetings, and my life.

I want to thank fudo_shin for starting this trend.

Things I have done today

1. Went to the 7 a.m. telephone DA meeting

2. Took shower

3. Got dressed

4. Went to the 8:30 a.m. telephone PA meeting

Things I will do today

1. Go to the mock interview

2. Prayer and meditation

3. Eat brunch

4. Eat dinner

5. Finish assignment for my Office Management class

6. Type my paper for the leadership class

7. Do corrections for the leadership class

8. Change clothes

9. Post and send Al-Anon literature for today

10. Make bed

11. Wash dishes

12. Get sleep apnea stuff ready for today

13. Declutter apartment for 15 minutes

14. Go to work at 5:30 p.m.

15. Do numbers

Thanks for letting me share

fudoshin: day 79 : 3:46am

Please do not leave advice.  Thank you.  Prayers welcome. 


This is the 79th day that I have followed through with the following:

  • 90 days away from dating sites and facebook
  • 90 days of not stalking people's profiles of people I've tried to date in the past
  • 90 days of not stalking people online that I've tried to date in
    the past. (I am now back on day 42 for this).
  • No Internet chat, aside from employment or twelve-step.  This
    includes not stalking people on AIM or other chat networks, whom I've
    tried to date in the past. (I'm on day 7
    of this.)
  • 56 days of exercise: on day 7 of this.