New here, desiring drastic change
This is the second time I'm joining a forum for a serious problem. The first was for self-harming (obsessive skin picking) and I completely overcame it! And now, in the past couple of days, I've realized that my chronic procrastination is a serious issue that I need to resolve RIGHT NOW. My first self-destructive habit took me a few years to resolve but I'm completely free of it right now and I've reclaimed so much of my life as a result. I know that if I learn about my chronic procrastination, set up some anti-procrastinating mechanisms and push myself, I will be able to conquer this stress-inducing, debilitating tendency.
Basically, I was raised by super competitive and hypercritical parents and this has made me into a perfectionist with impossibly high standards. Sometimes I excel at things from the beginning but most of the time, I'm average or even floundering. I had so much trouble getting thru my undergraduate degree, its embarassing and I cringe thinking about it. Now my masters degree is at serious risk because I fell behind and its been a month or two since I've even gone to class thinking "oh somehow I'll pull thru this, I've done it before". Well I'm sick of repeating classes, sick of begging, making excuses, feigning illness. The real problem is that I get intimidated by huge tasks and if I know I'm not going to be perfect at it, I just never seem to start working on them. I overcommit thinking that I can handle everything and when I'm not putting out 100% awesome work, I just disappear and don't check the email or answer the phone. Even now, I covered my eyes when looking at my activation email from this forum in my email inbox because there are so many questioning emails from people wondering where the hell I am or what is up with me.
I'm sick of this, I used to think it was because I'm lazy but now I know its that I can't deal psychologically with the super high standards my parents have set me up with. I fully understand that these standards are silly and I don't fault myself for being human anymore BUT I still feel insecure or terrible about myself and its mostly because I can't seem to handle even the normal graduate level work that I am more than capable of handling.
So my plan of action is this: tonight, I will just start looking at the assignments/topics that have baffled me, I will finally get back in touch with professors/school colleagues to find out where I/we stand and I just have to clean up the mess that I've made. I'm just tired of feeling ashamed and subpar to the person I know I should be right now.
Once I accomplish step one (which is unbelievably daunting at the moment), I intend to annihilate the following problem areas: mindless internet surfing to avoid the real problems, I will just entirely avoid the computer except for when I need to work on it, I will only use my iphone for emergencies and not for timewasting, I will wear the timer watch I ordered from amazon to set alarms so that I work in microbursts, I will pool my exercise, cleaning and beauty regime into specific blocks of time so I don't distract myself from my problems by working out a second time or doing my nails or suddenly cleaning the house.
I think that for now, this is a good start. Even admitting to myself that my problem is far greater than I had previously thought is a big thing. Its not a bad habit, its a severe form of self-sabotage because I am emotionally immature and do not have the coping mechanisms necessary to work in stressful environments. I won't survive professionally if I don't overcome this.
And the ranting introduction is over!